Metro Pulse Online: Movies, Past &Amp; Future

Armed only with his mysterious mental connection to the feral minds of studio executives, the Movie Guru reveals just how good or bad this week's new releases will be:

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (PG)
A New York City teenager (Lindsay Lohan, Freaky Friday) rules her school as the most popular kid around. But when her family moves to the suburbs, she takes a backseat to the “drama queen” in residence. Will she abandon her dreams of being a famous actress or believe in herself and make her drama coach (Carol Kane) proud?
Prediction: This lesson in teen individuality makes us wistful for the ‘80s magic of Molly Ringwald and John Hughes. The question is: Can Lohan’s aw-shucks marketability carry this 90-minute music video with a dreadful title?

Eurotrip (R)
As if America weren’t already incredibly unpopular with the rest of the free world, the makers of Old School and Road Trip let fly with a multitude of European stereotypes in this American Pie meets Vacation comedy. When a recent high school grad discovers that his German pen pal is a hot babe, he and his friends (including Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Michelle Trachtenberg) travel across the Atlantic for a visit.
Prediction: Sex? Yep. Drugs? Sure. Rock ‘n’ roll? Of course! Don’t take mom to this one, that is, unless you want your ass shipped back home.

Welcome to Mooseport (PG-13)
A former U.S. president (Gene Hackman) retires to a small New England coastal town to write his memoirs, but the residents convince him to fill the vacant mayoral seat. In the interest of democracy—and to win back his girlfriend (Maura Tierney)—local plumber (Ray Romano) runs against the former prez, initiating a full-on campaign.
Prediction: Hackman has perfected the art of playing himself, and the elderly do love their Raymond. You must be at least 50 years old to enjoy this movie.

Against the Ropes (PG-13)
Lifelong boxing fanatic Jackie Kallen (Meg Ryan) works a dead-end job, but she wants to get in the business. After seeing up up-and-coming fighter Luther Shaw (Omar Epps) in a brawl, she’s inspired by his raw talent and buys his managing contract for $1. They learn to trust each other as they turn him into a champ. Based on the true story of boxing’s most successful female manager.
Prediction: After her turn in the gritty but flawed In the Cut, Ryan continues to break out of her cute-girl schtick. This time she puts those new lips around a Detroit accent and dons some shiny urban rags. We’ll see which affectation is the least believable.

If I Had a Sledgehammer

Forgive me, Bob Villa, for I have sinned. It has been many, many months since my last confession. I am smitten with yet another home improvement show.

After my last penance, during which I got to be part of the making of reality DIY TV, I swore off the form, save for my still unabashed enjoyment of TLC’s Trading Spaces. Sure, the form is getting a bit tired despite all of the new designer blood series producers are flinging into the mix. Granted, yes, the field is crowded with imitators, most of which pale in comparison to the Doug Wilson—Hilda Santo-Tomas—Frank Bielec trinity. It was easy to keep my vow of home improvement show chastity, especially since the boob tube seems to always be tuned to Noggin. Oobi and Dora are my constant companions these days, and the Diva doesn’t share my love of reality-based redecorating.

And then Steve Watson sledgehammered his way into my life. This former Vol—he’s originally from Cleveland, Tenn., and attended UT—is the host of the most destructive home improvement show out there. Monster House (Mondays, 8 p.m. Discovery), which spins out of the same production company (Original Productions) that unleashed Monster Garage, does more than splash up a coat of paint and wrap the sofa in fabric. The Monster Crew, which is comprised of five experienced tradesman and changes with every episode, storms your domicile like a bull on speed, knocking down walls, ceilings and doors with abandon. But what they build in its place is always amazing. Like, say, the Zen House, which featured two “weeping walls” that made a ranch house into a tranquil haven. Or the Jurassic House, which included a three-wall, 3-D sculpture of a T-Rex.

It’s amazing stuff, these Monster transformations. But what really makes it so compelling is the personalities and the group dynamics of the teams of builders, none of whom have worked together before and have a mere week to get these big-ass projects done. Tempers flare. Manhoods compared. Egos bruised. Surfing through it all is Steve, whose gruff ministrations keep the pace hopping while frequently brokering detentes with skills that would make Jimmy Carter cry. If this is a sin, never let me be washed clean.

—Adrienne Martini