Metro Pulse/Cover/The Football Issue

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Maternal Madness

Tots influence new moms' picks for UT's season

by Adrienne Martini and Joey Cody

Brooks may have a handle on all of those pesky facts about the upcoming Vol football season, but in the golden days of yore, Joey Cody and Adrienne Martini used to handicap each UT football season using their own unique methods. After a brief respite to pop out some babies—Asher and Maddy, respectively—these chicks are back at this whole prediction business. But motherhood has not left them unscathed.

Aug. 30: Fresno State
Joey: Adrienne, are you as alarmed as I am at the state of our air here in East Tennessee and what it's doing to our children? So appalling is it, that when I make the mistake of checking the air quality index online, I refuse to take my son out to play in the summer wind (or, as I call it, "the slurry sirocco") for fear that it will soon mutate him into a C.H.U.D. Frenso, however, is one of the few U. S. cities whose clouds are actually more toxic than ours. Whoa. Imagine what that's done to their kids! How could we possibly compete?
Chicks' Pick: FRESNO STATE

Sept. 6: Marshall
Joey: West Virginia is such gorgeous place—great for raising your brood. There's so much to do! Water, mountains—it's the perfect playground. And contrary to popular belief, there are some great minds in the Virginia of the west—it's full of quiet brilliance. In the phys-ed department, however, Mr. Schwarzenegger will not be awarding any Presidential Physical Fitness Awards—there's just not much thunder in that herd.
Chicks' Pick: MARSHALL

Sept. 20: at Florida
Adrienne: Can I tell you how thrilled I am that Maddy is still too young to really want to go to Disney? We're trying to keep her away from as much mainstream commercial crap as we can. Despite our best efforts, however, she still has picked up on Winnie the Pooh and really digs Blue's Clues. Branded kids' toys will always win in the end.
Joey: Shamefully, I have always had a weakness for Disney critters and the talent of the Imagineers. Zak, on the other hand, believes the Disney empire is pure evil and that Mickey Mouse is a demon. Thinks the sugary beasties and saturation of pre-packaged characters completely obliterate kids' imaginative abilities. Be that as it may, there is no denying the raw marketing power of the Sunshine State, the Long Arm of Disney. Orlando, er, Gainesville shall prevail. Uber alles.
Chicks' Pick: FLORIDA

Sept. 27: South Carolina
Joey: So, did I tell you Zak is working in Myrtle Beach next week? Yup—he's abandoning me, smack dab in the middle of Elimination Communication (including a huge debate on disposable vs. cloth vs. Poquito Pants), a new nap schedule, and a nasty bout of teething. (I can't believe this mommie job doesn't at least come with a kick-ass benefits package.) I mean, it'd be one thing if he were going to Deadwood, S. Dak., or something, but Myrtle Beach? Of warm beaches, cold margaritas, and Girls Gone Wild? Damn S.C. to hell.
Chicks' Pick: TENNESSEE

Oct. 4: at Auburn
Adrienne: One of Maddy's favorite alternate care providers is named Auburn, whose father chose the name because of his love for the Tigers. We love that Auburn lives here, though, and not near her namesake.
Chicks' Pick: TENNESSEE

Oct. 11: Georgia
Joey: Did you know that Georgia is the home of the incredible Kids II brand of toys? That's right, Alpharetta is nirvana. (We'll make the pilgrimage someday.) Their Musical Moon Teether and Kookazoo Tunnel Gym are his absolute favorites. And you should just see him twist Mr. Bendy Octopus—it's so cute, you could just die! A state that gives my boy such joy can't be all bad.
Chicks' Pick: GEORGIA

Oct. 25: at Alabama
Adrienne: While I do strongly suspect that she has been Stepforded, the woman who created the Baby Einstein series of educational videos is a genius. Who knew that close-up moving pictures of common baby toys like trains and blocks set to the dulcet sounds of Mozart and Beethoven (as interpreted on a Casio keyboard) could be so damn hypnotic? I dig 'em. And the little Diva digs 'em and becomes so engrossed that I can do crazy things like load the dishwasher or fold laundry. One of her favorite bits involves a wind-up elephant who elicits chortles of baby laugher each time he pops up on the screen. It's good times. Because of this, I gotta go with the ominously named Crimson Tide, who inexplicably slap a mean-looking pachyderm on all of their paraphernalia.
Chicks' Pick: ALABAMA

Nov. 1: Duke
Joey: Oh, Adrienne—you've just got to bring Maddy to Bald Head Island one of these days to go on a sea turtle walk. The island conservancy organizes the turtle walks (usually beginning at 9 p.m.), and it's amazing to watch the huge Loggerhead mamas lay their eggs by moonlight in May or the hatchlings scramble to the water in August. C'mon, let her stay up late—kids love this stuff!
Chicks' Pick: DUKE

Nov. 8: at Miami
Adrienne: Black beans are the baby's favorite food, followed closely by bananas and kiwi. She loves all sorts of exotic fare, truth be told, and I firmly suspect that Cuban cuisine would be snarfed down quicker than you can say mojito. One of these days we'll get her to Miami, home to all of the great Cuban cooks—outside of, you know, Cuba—and let her get her gums wrapped around some tropical eats.
Chicks' Pick: MIAMI

Nov. 15 Mississippi State
Adrienne: My new theory: all newborn babes look like Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill looked like a bulldog. Ergo, babies love bulldogs.
Chicks' Pick: MISSISSIPPI STATE

Nov. 22: Vanderbilt
Joey: I've long sworn that, after his Montessori schooling, I will never, Ev-ver, allow Ash to be instructed by anyone who has graduated summa cum laude, from the Peabody College. The faculty, the program, is just tops. And I would never encourage Ash to fight with snobby, unathletic rich kids, but if they ask for a brawl, you've gotta stand your ground, right?
Chicks' Pick: TENNESSEE

Nov. 29: at Kentucky
Adrienne: While my dental hygienist assures me that Maddy's relative slowness in the tooth-cutting department is not a sign of a larger problem, I can't help but feel that I've done something wrong. Did I not eat enough green leafies while pregnant? Does she need more calcium in her diet? Or is lack of teeth the sign of rickets or scurvy or something? Rather than celebrate the fact that she can only bite other kids with her two middle lowers, I worry that her toothlessness is a sign of something more troublesome.
Which is also why I think Kentucky will win in the end.
Chicks' Pick: KENTUCKY