or, how to write a hands-free college scouting report
by Brooks Clark
The Jayson Blair scandal shocked the nation, because a guy sat in Brooklyn writing news stories about things going on in places like Jericho, W.Va., based on what he could find in other papers and on the Internet.
That presents a spine-chilling problem for the many people who write college football scouting reports, because much of the exercise involves writing about teams in places like Tuscaloosa, Ala., by thumbing through inch-thick media guides, pre-season magazines, newspapers and maybe a Las Vegas tip sheet—then making sure you sound like you know what you're talking about. This is accomplished by saying, "The Zips have six starters back on offense and six back on defense," then adding a Keith Jackson-esque down-home saying like, "and they're as mad as a banty rooster outside a locked henhouse!"
The true journalists actually do the reporting. This is accomplished by going to UT practices and attending the Media Days at SEC's headquarters Birmingham, Ala., where they actually get to interview the coach and a star or two from each team.
Q: from scribe: "Coach: how does the team look?"
A: "We have six starters on defense, and six on offense, and we're as mean as a semi driver stuck on I-40 between Papermill and West Hills."
Then there is the matter of describing the prowess of players. First, you ask the coach.
Q: from scribe: "Coach, who is that with you?"
A: "I am proud to say that this young student-athlete is as fine a churchgoing young man as there is in college athletics. He has feet like a sewing machine, his summer job was pushing armored vehicles out of ditches in Iraq, and when he was growing up his mother used to lock the refrigerator with a chain and padlock."
Q: "Tell us about the team this year."
A: "Most of us are eligible, which is good. And coach says I can eat all I want. Hi Mom!"
Some players, especially the most egotistical ones, really help you out. There was Kelley Washington, who dubbed himself as "The Future" last year and Miami's Kellen Winslow Jr. who's anointed himself "The Chosen One" this year. (Winslow was also anointed with turf toe in mid-August, which should be no factor by Nov. 8, when the Vols play at Miami.)
Then there are the tough questions. As the News Sentinel's John Adams said of the questions asked Mississippi State linebacker T.J. Mawhinney, each one was a variety of, "Why did you guys stink?"
If you don't get to meet any players, you use expressions like "highly touted." This is the only place that the average person ever reads any form of the word "tout," so this is an important educational tool. Once you get bored with that, you use "heralded." (Be careful about the word "promising." That's a nice way of saying "hopeless." Top-level prognosticators can ruin a career with a misplaced "promising," as in, "Howard Dean is a promising candidate.")
Then there is the matter of heights, weights, times in the 40 and statistics. The rule is, you only list one of these if it makes the reader say, "Wow!" As in, under 5'7", over 6'8", over 320 pounds, an under-4.5 40, 100 tackles in a game, a bench press of more than three school buses at once. The same rule applies if there is any evidence at all that a player actually attends classes or intends to join the 27 percent of the Arkansas football team in graduating. Example: "Coach Boots Unbuckle was impressed when he visited the family home and his prospective nose tackle asked to carry on their conver-sation in Base 12."
The great thing about football scouting reports is that nobody expects the predictions to actually be correct. In one pre-season NFL report, Paul "Dr. Z" Zimmerman of Sports Illustrated once correctly predicted not only the two teams that would make the Super Bowl, but also the winner, and it ruined the fans' fun. "Why did they even play the season?" was a logical question.
With fun in mind, the only predicted team record that this column got right last year was Vanderbilt, at 2-10. We had Ole Miss at 7-5; they fooled us by going 7-6.
Ultimately, pigskin prognostication is a trifle pagan—the cycles of life and all that. You're disappointing one year, great the next. (Like UT, we hope.) You have your rebuilding years (like Florida and South Carolina). Sometimes you've got everything going for you, and you blow it (like Georgia and Auburn this year, we hope). In this pagan world, we view our coaches and quarterbacks like Shamans, whose mystical powers bring about magical results. Steve Spurrier had Big Medicine, and sometimes Bad Medicine. And sometimes a Herschel Walker just runs all over everybody. Still, the coming season looks promising....
So onward and upward:
Georgia
The Tale of Two Davids
It's true. The Georgia Bulldogs were so proud of winning the SEC that nine of them sold their championship rings to a jewelry broker. Happily, there are no rules against selling title rings, nor are there any against smoking marijuana either, since five Bulldogs got caught doing that, too, and they got off with 30 hours of community service and missing between one and three games. ("Wow!")
The Dawgs lose their entire offensive line, so it may seem surprising that they have pre-season rankings as high as No. 5 in the nation. The story comes down to two dudes named David from Snellville, Ga., both juniors , both 6'3" and best friends since they were six.
Touted (get that) in the SEC press guide as "Perhaps one of the SEC's most unheralded quarterbacks," David Greene led the SEC with a 137.3 passing efficiency rating ("Wow!") and threw for 22 touchdowns.
Defensive end David Pollak, SEC Player of the Year and first team All-America last year, refused to pose for Playboy's pre-season All-America team for fear of offending the folks at the Athens-area churches where he likes to speak. Please don't mention that they would have to be reading Playboy in order to be offended.
This year, as last year, sophomore D.J. Shockley, a Parade All-America in 2000, will share time at quarterback. For the Vols to pass against this team on Oct. 11 in Knoxville, the offensive line must contain Pollak (14 sacks last year), and UT quarterback Casey Clausen must avoid senior roverback Kentrell Curry, a 4.4 man in the 40, and junior free safety Sean Jones.
Tennessee
What's the Plan?
Coach Phil Fulmer said recently, "Last year's offense was as boring as I've ever been around."
For offensive coordinator Randy Sanders, the question is, "What's the plan?" It has to be runners who run, blockers who block, a passer who passes, receivers who receive, and....
UT has four returnees on the offensive line, anchored by 6'2", 300-pound All-America center Scott Wells and 6'6", 305-pound tackle Michael Munoz, now recovered from knee surgery in 2001, a broken hand he played with much of last season, and a staph infection in his left leg in November. In a remarkably frank interview with John Adams, Wells said of last season's team, "We had people doing their own thing. They were using our program as a foot stool to the NFL. They weren't really concerned with what happened while they were here."
Cedric Houston, Gerald Riggs and Jabari (J Train) Davis look promising at tailback ("Doh!").
In defense of quarterback Casey Clausen, whenever he dropped back to pass, there was no one open, except sometimes tight end Jason Witten, who had 39 catches, compared to oft-injured Kelley "The Future" Washington's 23. "People are saying I'm an underachiever, and that fires me up," says Clausen.
Clausen will benefit from a revamped set of wide receivers. Tony Brown, a 6'2", 200-pound junior had 39 catches. Mark Jones is a 5'9", 185-pound punt returner with great moves, and 200-meter track star Jonathan Wade, showed his afterburners when he took a short pass and ran for 80 yards in a recent scrimmage. Derrick Tinsley is a tailback-turned receiver with 4.4 speed in the 40. He made 20 catches as a tailback last year, but he made three big fumbles, against Alabama, Arkansas and Maryland, respectively, and he's had a succession of injuries—requiring surgery after his freshman year to correct an irregular heartbeat, then a stress fracture and two concussions last year, and a sprained ankle this summer. But the best of all might be 6'3", 200-pound receiver/quarterback James Banks.
Free safety Rashad Baker leads active SEC players with 10 career interceptions.
Bearden High graduate Dustin Colquitt had 10 punts downed inside the 10 yard line last year. (His brother Britton joins the team as a redshirt freshman.)
Florida
The Firm of Midgett, Dickey, Ingle and Leak
In his second year at the controls left by pilot Steve, Ron Zook faces a rebuilding year, with only nine returning starters to face a difficult schedule, including UT on Sept. 20.
To replace Rex Grossman, Zook must pick his quarterback from a typical Florida crowd that includes three freshmen—Gavin Dickey, Justin Midgett, and hotshot Chris Leak (brother of UT's C.J. Leak), who came into summer school and made an impression. The experienced contender is Ingle Martin, a redshirt sophomore from Nashville's Montgomery Bell Academy, who threw just 10 passes for 7 completions last year.
The Gators, who inexplicably pictured a crocodile on their media guide, have experience on the left side of the line, in 6'7", 349-pound senior tackle Max Starks, 6'4", 310-pound pre-season All-America senior guard Shannon Snell, and 6'5", 309-pound sophomore center Mike Degory.
Kentucky
Keep your eyes on J Lo
Don't be fooled by the pounds that he's got, he's still Jared from Fort Thomas, Ky.
This J Lo—6'4", 260-pound quarterback Jared Lorenzen has been running the Wildcat offense for three years now. He's passed for 8,133 yards and 62 touchdowns. He's listed as No. 6 on the CBSSportsline.com pre-season Heisman watch, and he'll be throwing to first-team All-America Derek Abney, who returned an NCAA-record six kicks (four punts, two kickoffs) for touchdowns last year. Abney also caught 40 passes.
Kentucky took many teams by surprise in coach Rich Brooks' first season after taking over for Hal Mumme. The Cats should catch one less team by surprise this time around.
Offensive tackle Antonio Hall, a 6'5", 302-pound music education major, was featured in a Sports Illustrated round-up of brainy ballplayers. "Hall is a gifted piano player as well as a talented singer, with a repertoire that ranges from show tunes to opera. He plans to teach music to inner-city middle schoolers when he's finished playing football." He says he's being trained as a baritone-bass for the opera, but he'd love to be on Broadway or singing at the Met.
South Carolina
Hard Times for the 'Cocks
These are the times that try Lou Holtz's and South Carolina's souls. They lost their last five games of last year and must find replacements for 17 starters. The bright spots are 6'4", 315-pound pre-season All-America offensive tackle Travelle Wharton, cornerback Dunta Robinson, and defensive ends Moe Thompson and George Cause.
With Mrs. Holtz in poor health this August, rumors are circulating that 66-year-old Holtz, who got his first assistant coaching job at Iowa in 1960, may soon turn over the reins of the South Carolina program to his son Skip, now the assistant head coach and offensive coordinator.
Vanderbilt
Still Learning the Game
"We've had all the moral victories in the world," says sophomore quarterback Jay Cutler. Unfortunately, the Commodores went 0-8 in the SEC and haven't had a winning season since 1982. Cutler comes from Santa Claus, Ind., but his best Christmas gifts are Kwane Doster, a sophomore tailback who ran for 798 yards last year, and 6'4", 328-pound left offensive tackle Justin Geisinger, who maxes on the bench press at 525 pounds and can do 37 reps at 225.
Coach Bobby Johnson has a chance of improving, with seven starters returning on offense and defense. Sophomore defensive end Jovan is described in the SEC press guide as "still learning the game." His mother didn't let him start playing football until his junior year in high school.
Auburn
Jay Cam, Cadillac, and Ronnie
After the Tigers beat Bama 17-7, senior linebacker Karlos Dansby stood in the end zone and said, "Put this loss in a turkey and smoke it."
With 16 starters returning, Auburn is poised for a big year. Junior Jason (Jay Cam) Campbell, a Parade high school All-America from Taylorsville, Miss., threw for 1,215 yards. Fullback Brandon Johnson "would love to play football without a helmet," says coach Tommy Tuberville. "He's an old school, hard-nosed kid." But the show really belongs to two of the best running backs in the nation—juniors Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, who ran for 745 yards and 10 touchdowns before breaking his leg in the seventh game of the season, and Ronnie Brown, who finished with 1,008 yards.
Alabama
The Party Animal as Victim
For many of us whose college years fell during the neo-Animal House era, whose first years of adulthood were the disco years, followed quickly by the cocaine-addled '80s (remember the Time cover of a cocaine-filled champagne glass, with the headline, "The perfect drug?"), there is more sympathy than one might expect for middle aged adults behaving badly. Alabama's woes seem so natural.
In another era, guys like Iowa State men's basketball coach Larry Eustachy and Alabama football's Mike Price would be inducted into a Party Animal Hall of Fame. They could be hailed as heroes by rock bands and students on MTV's Spring Break after the rest of the party nation has strapped itself into a minivan. If they're not actual heroes for their cavorting with co-eds and evening at a topless bar, respectively, they certainly should not be held accountable for their actions. Rather, they are victims of their culture and upbringing.
True to this "I'm the victim" approach, Price has sued Alabama for $20 million after his unceremonious dismissal, claiming denial of due process, violation of civil rights, breach of contract, wrongful termination, and fraud. Whose fraud?
With all the seediness of Price's night on the town and in his hotel room, and the credit card with the $1,400 worth of breakfasts, it's no wonder Alabama turned to 38-year-old straight arrow Mike Shula, a former 'Bama quarterback with the coaching pedigree of his father Don and brother Dave. Although he has never had a head coaching job, Shula has been a coach in the NFL since 1998, most recently as quarterbacks coach with the Miami Dolphins for the past two years.
Also highly qualified for the job was Sylvester Croom, a former Bryant player and coach, who would have been the SEC's first black head coach. The sub-surface story was that it certainly wasn't fair that Croom didn't get the job, but it also might not have been fair to put Croom in such a historic position in the wake of Mike Price's debauchery and the general chaos of the past several years. Patronizing? Yes. But one certainly hopes that Croom gets his chance before too long.
Marshall Tito ruled Yugoslavia from 1945 to 1980, after which everything fell apart. Bear Bryant coached at Bama from 1958 to 1982, after which things have certainly been interesting.
As a practical matter, Alabama schoolchildren probably need a mnemonic device to keep track of the post-Bryant coaching parade, the way that English children kept track of the Kings of England
("When Will His Stupid Head Remember Just How" for William, William, Henry I, Stephen, Henry II, Richard, John, and Henry III.) Let's try "People Can Sure Deepsix Football Programs Stupidly" for Perkins, Curry, Stallings, DuBose, Franchione, Price and Shula.
One of the team's best defenders, senior linebacker Brooks Daniels, recently withdrew from school for undisclosed medical reasons, leaving the Tide with five returning starters on defense and six on offense, including guard Justin Smiley, a pre-season All-America, senior tailback Shaud Williams, and senior flanker Triandos Luke. The quarterback is everybody's dreamboat, sophomore Brodie Croyle, who has a 32-inch vertical leap and takes over full-time with the graduation of Tyler Watts. Credentials? Croyle's father, John, played for Bear Bryant; his sister, Reagan, played on the Tide basketball team and was the 2000 homecoming queen.
LSU
The Catcher Does the Pitching
Matt Mauck hit .221 as a minor league catcher in two seasons in the Cubs organization. As a 23-year-old sophomore last year, he quarterbacked a season that started off 6-1, lost to Auburn, then became 7-2 thanks to a last-second, fingertip catch by Devery Henderson of a deflected Hail Mary pass that defeated Kentucky 33-30 and entered Tiger history as the "Bluegrass Miracle." Then came a 31-0 loss to Alabama, a 14-13 win over Ole Miss, then a 21-20 loss to Arkansas that kept the Tigers out of the SEC title game. The season ended with a 35-20 loss to Texas.
The team returns 16 starters, including lanky junior receiver Michael Clayton, one of the best receivers in the SEC with 104 catches over the past two seasons. Stephen Peterman, a 6'4", 325-pound senior, is the nation's best guard, according to The Sporting News.
Three-year starter at offensive tackle Rodney Reed was another of SI's brainy brawnies. A 6'4", 280-pound accounting major, who graduated in May with a 3.94 GPA, spent the past two summers as an intern doing individual and corporate tax returns at Postlethwaite & Netterville in Baton Rouge. He's already working on his master's in accounting.
Arkansas
Dark (Horse) Hogs
How did Arkansas make it to the SEC title game? And might they make it again with basically the whole team returning? Matt Jones became a solid quarterback, throwing for 16 touchdowns. The top three receivers, all returning, caught 100 passes. They're joined by freshman wide receiver Chris Baker, who runs a 4.27 40.
Running backs De'Arrius Howard and Cedric Cobbs combined for 994 yards behind right tackle Shawn Andrews, a pre-season All-America. The Hogs have four tough road games at Alabama, Texas, Ole Miss and LSU.
Ole Miss
Eli's Comin'
The Rebels ended the season with five losses, then wins over MSU (24-12) and Nebraska (27-23). Among seven defensive and seven offensive returnees is 6'5", 218-pound quarterback Eli Manning, a two-time Playboy All-America. Like his brother before him, he could have gone pro. Like his brother, he decided to stay for his senior year. He is now ranked by The Sporting News as the top QB for the 2004 NFL draft.
He'll be throwing to Chris Collins, a senior from Gloster, Miss., who holds the school record for touchdown passes, with 17.
The defense is anchored by nose tackle Jesse Mitchell, who at 6'1" and 277, is built like a bowling ball, and defensive back Eric Oliver, who made 129 tackles last year.
Coach David Cutcliffe has gone 30-19 in the five years since he left the UT staff
Miss. St.
The Little Engine That Cain't
To borrow an old line, the Bulldogs are devastated by the return of 15 starters from the team that went 0-8 in the SEC. In answer to the question, "Why did you stink?" linebacker T.J. Mawhinney answered truthfully, "We didn't get it done. Not one thing." Five assistant coaches were fired after last season. During spring practice quarterback Kevin Fant felt so much stress that he developed insomnia and left the team. He returned in the summer with his stress under control, and coach Jackie Sherrill sees hope.
"I feel very confident that it has bottomed out," Sherrill said during Media Days. "When a train starts going downhill, you can't stop it. I've always believed you can slow it down, but you can't stop it until it bottoms out."
Sadly, Sherrill lost his mother and his brother this spring, and his wife, Peggy, was diagnosed with cancer.
August 28, 2003 * Vol. 13, No. 35
© 2003 Metro Pulse
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