Front Page

The 'Zine

Sunsphere City

Bonus Track

Market Square

Contact Us!
About the Site

on this story


Brooks Makes Book
Former Sports Illustrated writer Brooks Clark's patented SEC preview and predictions for the season ahead.

Big John Meets the Press
Mike Gibson gets some face-time with big Vol on campus John Henderson at UT's Media Day feeding frenzy.

Going Long
Just in case Brooks is wrong, Adrienne Martini consults some more dependable sources (like a Magic 8-Ball).

Referee Reveries
Mike Gibson sits down with some of our more experienced local referees to find out what wets their whistle.

Stranger in a Strange Land
Katie Allison Granju recounts the horror of discovering that, despite your best efforts, your son has turned out to be a football fan.

  Going Long

Some alternative predictions for the Vols' season.

by Adrienne Martini

Last year, Joey Cody and I, armed with little more than a stack of Sports Illustrated and a lot of bad attitude, predicted the outcome of each game of the Vols' 2000 season. Much to everyone's surprise—especially ours—we went 10-1. Our methods, based mostly on the dippiness of the team name, colors or mascot, were even more successful than those of our own beloved Brooks, who failed to see which way the worm would turn on both the Georgia and the Florida games.

But you, dear sports fan, deserve more. We should have foreseen the LSU OT debacle and still delivered an accurate prediction. Consider us shamed.

Vows to do better have been taken. Teeth have been gnashed. Guts have been checked. Tears have been shed. And—best for last—oracles have been consulted.

This year, rather than rely on our own skewed views, we thought we'd let the mystical powers-that-be point us to our predictions.

A note on methodology, such as it was:

The coin was one of them shiny new state coins. The Georgia side (complete with peach) represented the opponents. Noble George Washington, of course, stood in for the Vols.

The Magic 8-ball was asked "Will the Vols beat x," with x representing the opposing team in question.

The Tarot reading was of the single card sort as performed by with the Haindl Deck, which "weaves a tapestry of haunting beauty from the traditions of Native America, the Holy Grail, the I Ching, Kabbalah and the Norse Runes," which, additionally, seemed to cover the rest of our bases on the whole future-divining front.

Sept. 1: Syracuse
Coin toss: Vols.
Magic 8-ball: "Most Likely"
Tarot: ALCHEMY—Measurement and combination. Do not allow setbacks to turn enthusiasm into its mirror image of dejection. Take control. Moderation.
Prediction: It will be a hard-fought game but, ultimately, the Vols will be victorious.

Sept. 8: Arkansas
Coin toss: Vols.
Magic 8-ball: "It is decidedly so."
Tarot: THE HANGED MAN—Attachment. Deep spiritual awareness. Independence.
Prediction: All signs point to the Vols emerging as the winners.

Sept. 15: Florida
Coin toss: Florida
Magic 8-ball: "It is decidedly so."
Tarot: FIVE OF STONES—Wintry times. Money troubles. Illness. Isolation.
Prediction: The oracles are split—yet more lean toward a Florida victory. And it may snow in Gainesville.

Sept. 29: LSU
Coin toss: LSU
Magic 8-ball: "Concentrate then ask again." "Don't count on it."
Tarot: THE DEVIL—Something exciting, possibly dangerous or forbidden. Temptation. Physical gratification. Exploring darker feelings. Wild action opens up new areas in life.
Prediction: The dangerous Death Valley Fighting Tigers will work their mojo again and kick Vol tush.

Oct. 6: Georgia
Coin toss: Vols.
Magic 8-ball: "Better not tell you now."
Tarot: FATHER OF WANDS (reversed)—Snobbishness, especially intellectual. Devotion. Doubts, weakness, confusion. Magic 8-ball, rechecked two hours later: "Yes."
Prediction: Clearly, the Vols will show the weak, effete Bulldogs how the game is played, Knox-patch style.

Oct. 20: Alabama
Coin toss: 'bama.
Magic 8-ball: "It is certain."
Tarot: SON OF SWORDS—Someone gentle, yet persuasive. An initiate to esoteric mysteries. Kindness.
Prediction: Again, the oracles disagree. But "Crimson Tide" is as esoteric as it comes. Gotta go with Alabama.

Oct. 27: South Carolina
Coin toss: South Carolina
Magic 8-ball: "Concentrate then ask again." "Don't count on it."
Tarot: FIVE OF SWORDS—An overwhelming situation. Need to hold onto principles until the time comes to make a change.
Prediction: While popular wisdom would lean toward the Vols, the oracles tell us that South Carolina will win and, additionally, that this may be the start of something of a difficult interpersonal period for Phillip Fulmer and the boys.

Nov. 3: Notre Dame
Coin toss: Vols.
Magic 8-ball: "Yes, definitely."
Tarot: TEN OF SWORDS—Pain, confusion. Personal difficulties. Problems.
Prediction: Team dramas flare up (and QB Clausen decides to travel to Tibet to "explore his options"), but the Vols pull it together and smackdown the Fighting Irish.

Nov. 10: Memphis
Coin toss: Memphis
Magic 8-ball: "As I see it yes."
Tarot: FATHER OF CUPS (reversed)—Father's power disrupted.
Prediction: After Fulmer leaves the game in a huff, the Vols will win.

Nov. 17: Kentucky
Coin toss: Vols.
Magic 8-ball: "Signs point to yes."
Tarot: TEN OF CUPS (reversed)—Success blocked. Negativity, apathy.
Prediction: Vols. But the local sports pages tear into the scandal brewing between Bob Kesling and Smokey.

Nov. 24: Vanderbilt
Coin toss: Vols.
Magic 8-ball: "Yes."
Tarot: SON OF SWORDS (reversed)—Weakness, possibly corruption.
Prediction: Vols. But UT college football as we know it may forever change.

August 30, 2001 * Vol. 11, No. 35
© 2001 Metro Pulse