Metro Pulse/Cover/The Football Issue

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Brooks Makes Book
Former Sports Illustrated writer Brooks Clark's patented SEC preview and predictions for the season ahead.

Big John Meets the Press
Mike Gibson gets some face-time with big Vol on campus John Henderson at UT's Media Day feeding frenzy.

Going Long
Just in case Brooks is wrong, Adrienne Martini consults some more dependable sources (like a Magic 8-Ball).

Referee Reveries
Mike Gibson sits down with some of our more experienced local referees to find out what wets their whistle.

Stranger in a Strange Land
Katie Allison Granju recounts the horror of discovering that, despite your best efforts, your son has turned out to be a football fan.

Also Starring...
A brief look at some of UT's other major players this year

Will Bartholomew
At 6-feet-nothing, this blocking stand-out with the anchor-like build and the aw-shucks grin carries as much bodymass-per-square-inch as any player on the team. He's also one of a handful of married players on the squad, a fact that has (paradoxically) made the Bartholomew household a favorite haunt for teammates. "I think my wife's kind of adopted about 20 of these guys," says Bartholomew, with a droll smile. "They're always coming over and eating all my food."
Vital stats: 6', 250-lb. senior FB
Nickname: "White Lightning"
Favorite TV show: Seinfeld
Favorite movie: Braveheart
Favorite book: In the Grip of Grace
Boxers or briefs: "I'm in between; what do you call these things that come down to here? Boxer-briefs."

Fred Weary
Constructed like an A-frame house and as hard as a frozen block of granite, Weary is probably the strongest player on the team. Local papers alluded to the fact that he recently matched former defensive tackle Darwin Walker's University of Tennessee bench press record at 535 pounds—a truly exceptional lift that ranks in the top 2 percent among players at any level. What wasn't mentioned was that UT strength coaches actually stopped the big guy short of a maximum effort. "I could've gotten more, but they were concerned because my shoulder was a little sore," Weary remembers. "In the weightroom and on the field, I try to lead by example."
Vital stats: 6'4", 301-lb. senior offensive guard
Nickname: "Big Fred"
Favorite TV show: Soul Food
Favorite movie: Remember the Titans
Boxers or briefs: You're welcome to ask.
Most embarrassing football moment: "My freshman year I cramped up in the weight room," Weary says. "The coaches had to carry me out on a stretcher, like I'd been in a wrestling match."

Alex Walls
The All-SEC performer emerged from nowhere in 2000, a theretofore little-known sophomore who suddenly couldn't miss a field goal with a blindfold and a broken leg. "I really wasn't expecting to do much here," says Walls, a baby-faced everyguy who looks shorter and lighter than his press-guide listing. "Then I get put in the spotlight, win a few awards here and there, and play on this caliber of team. It's been a real exciting two years."
Vital stats: 6'1", 190-lb. junior placekicker
Favorite TV show: Friends
Favorite movie: Office Space
Most embarrassing football moment: "It was in a scrimmage, an open scrimmage with like 2,000 people there. It was a little wet, and I was practicing my kicks. I actually kicked my other leg, swung so hard it threw me off balance and I landed on my tail. I have no idea how many people saw me."

What does it all mean?

by Brooks Clark

In order to be eligible for admittance to UT, Jabari "J-Train" Davis, who hails from Stone Mountain, Georgia, had to pass the 70-question science portion of the Georgia High School exit exam. As he waited for his results, Davis expressed his concern that the test was conceived and graded at the University of Georgia, where J-Train feared ill-will about his choice of heading up I-75 to run for UT.

Metro Pulse understands this paranoia after perusing a purloined copy of the test given Davis, which featured scientific questions like the following:

Match the theory to the application. According to:
1)Theory of Relativity
2)Theory of Gravity
3)Euclidean Space
4)Theory of Evolution
5)Theory of the Lottery
6)The SEC
7)Doppler Effect

a)two parallel lines never meet
b)what goes up, must go down
c)humans like Mark Wahlberg and Charlton Heston can travel through time and land on planets ruled by apes
d) J Trains look different going up I-75 than they do coming back
e)tailbacks at Georgia can evolve into Heisman Trophy winners
f)passes dropped by Gator receivers are still TDs
g)students with a B average in Georgia can go to college for free

Nature abhors:
a)nurture
b)a vacuum
c) Brooks "The Human Vacuum Cleaner" Robinson
d)the BCS computer rankings
e)UT Vol fans

Brooks Clark's Annual SEC Preview!
(Don't try this at home.)

East 2000 Predicted

1. Florida 10-3 10-2

2. Tennessee 8-4 11-2

3. Georgia 8-4 8-4

4. So. Carolina 8-4 8-4

5. Vanderbilt 3-8 4-7

6. Kentucky 2-9 2-9

West 2000 Predicted

1. LSU 9-4 8-4

2. Miss. State 8-4 8-4

3. Auburn 8-3 8-3

4. Alabama 3-8 7-4

5. Arkansas 6-6 7-5

6. Ole Miss 7-5 6-6

UT is to Georgia as:
a)Mark Wahlberg is to Charlton Heston
b)Genesis is to Darwin
c) A Legislature is to a lottery
d) Pamela Reed is to Brooks Robinson
e) Jabari Davis is to Jasper Sanks

UT Vols fans evolved from
a)tree lemurs
b)lottery salesmen
c)Mark Wahlberg
d)Charlton Heston
e)traffic cones

To make bronze, you mix which two elements?
a)tin
b)copper
c)Coppertone
d)A Heisman Trophy
e)Herschel Walker

In the equation E = MC2, which letter refers to the speed of Jasper Sanks?
a)E
b)M
c)C
d)NFL

In 1980 Herschel Walker, with a mass of 232 pounds, traveling at a speed of 40 yards every 4.3 seconds, ran over Bill Bates and arrived at the Heisman Trophy two years later. Solve for Peyton Manning.

Tuition for the University of Georgia to B-or-above average students is free, because their state has:
a)a Lottery,
b)a Legislature,
c) Jasper Sanks,
d) a Heisman Trophy

The boiling point for UT fans is:
a)10-2
b) 9-3
c) 8-4
d) Pamela Reed
e) the Tennessee Legislature

Now, on to the analysis...

East

Florida
Puppeteer Steve Spurrier has another pair of marionettes dangling at string-end to guide this "No. 1 In the Nation Preseason" offense. If Rex Grossman doesn't move the Gators, then he'll be yanked away like that google-eyed goat-herd in The Sound of Music and Brock Berlin will be swung onto the stage.
Happily, this method of quarterback manipulation doesn't work. It certainly failed against UT three years ago. It even failed between Craig Morton and Roger Staubach—either one of whom could and did lead teams to the Super Bowl but got the Cowboys nowhere switching off. Remember Gestalt? Well this is GeSpurrt—two quarterbacks together equal less than the sum of their parts divided by two.
As loaded as they are, the No. 1 Gators will suffer unexpected disappointments.

Tennessee
"You have big, and then you have 'structural big,'" says 6-foot-6, 260-pound South Carolina linebacker Kalimba Edwards of UT's 6-foot-7, 290-pound defensive tackle John Henderson. "He shocked me," says Edwards. "He has structure. And he can move, too. He's phenomenal."
Henderson, dubbed "Little Shaq" in high school basketball, has already won the lineman's version of the Heisman, the Outland Trophy, and he would have gone very high in the NFL draft had he elected to leave early. He decided not to. He says he felt that he wasn't quite ready. Perhaps he compared the experience of Heath Shuler to that of Peyton Manning. The NFL is definitely cruel to those who aren't ready. And as Reggie White proved, a phenomenal pass rusher can have a lengthy career in the NFL. Why rush rushing?
Tailback grise Travis Stephens is right to affect an air of gentle bemusement at the overweening ambition of fleet-footed freshmen upstarts Jabari "J-Train" Davis, Cedric Houston, Derrick Tinsley and Keldrick Williams. The first two are Parade All-Americas, the third a Superprep All-America, the last is world famous in Alabama. But 2001 is the year for Travis' Gridiron Odyssey.
A lot of time was wasted last year figuring out that California surfer dude Casey Clausen should be the quarterback, which in retrospect was a no-brainer. We still don't know how Texas got Chris Simms. Of course we don't know how Texas gets so many of UT's professors, either.
There's no shortage of speed. This winter wide receiver Leonard Scott ran the fastest indoor 60-yard dash in SEC history, and versatile receiver/quarterback Kelley Washington, a 6-foot-4 refugee from four years in the Florida Marlins baseball system, clocked a 4.29 in the 40. "People will know about him quick this year," predicts Clausen.

Georgia
Mark Richt played backup quarterback behind Jim Kelly at the University of Miami, John Elway at Denver, and Dan Marino at the Dolphins—and backup coach behind Bobby Bowden at Florida State. For the past 14 seasons Richt has engineered the Seminoles' nuclear powered offense, grooming Heisman Trophy winners Charlie Ward and Chris Weinke.
In the quarterbacks department, the Dawgs are where UT was last fall, with three pretenders vying for the throne—redshirt freshman David Greene, junior Cory Phillips and freshman D.J. Shockley, a Parade All-America, ranked as the top quarterback in the country by Superprep magazine. The rule of thumb for quarterbacks is, when in doubt, pick one from either California or Western Pennsylvania. But all three of these guys are from Georgia. Look for the youngster D.J. Shockley to step in before too long.

South Carolina
How do you follow up the 4th largest turnaround in SEC history? Lou Holtz's feisty roosters, shut out of the hen house (0-11) in '99, were cocks of the walk in 2000, going 8-4, including a narrow loss (14-17) to UT, a 21-10 upset of pre-season favorite Georgia and a 24-7 Outback Bowl triumph over Ohio State.
The Gamecocks are led by linebacker Edwards, a pre-season All-America and a political science major, and defensive back Sheldon Brown.

Vanderbilt
Like the Arnold Schwarzenegger character in Terminator, linebacker Luke Hammond doesn't give up easily. Last August Hammond plunged nine stories in an elevator shaft accident—and lived. In fact, he recovered from his injuries in time for spring football practice.
Vandy had 100 percent of its football players graduate in 2001, obviously the highest in the nation—and probably higher than any three other SEC teams combined. Lefty quarterback Greg Zolman, who's working on his MBA, will probably have a big season, thanks in part to 6-foot-7, 335-pound offensive right tackle Pat Green, who guards Zolman's blind side and also scored a 1370 on the SAT. Of course, free safety Jonathan Shaub, from Brentwood, got a perfect 1600, won the Lipscomb High chemistry award, the regional math contest, and a Gold Medal at National Latin Exam. Vandi Vidi da Vinci!

Kentucky
Kentucky wants to use frozen embryos—to play linebacker. For new coach Guy Morriss, the cupboard is bare.
The Wildcat program found that a whimsical head coach is great—for a while. Last summer madcap coach Hal Mumme did wrong by quarterback Dusty Bonner, who transferred to Valdosta State and now appears on the occasional "Best Quarterback You've Never Heard Of" list. His replacement was the Sam's Wholesale Club-sized Jared Lorenzen, who set lots of freshman passing records but ended last season with an eight-game losing streak. Ironically, Lorenzen, whose weight has varied in the past year from 275 to 325 pounds, is preceded in the Kentucky media guide by safety Isaac Lightfoot.

WEST

LSU
Quarterback Rohan Davey looks like he should be starting in the NFL, not the SEC. He's 6-foot-3, 239 pounds, and his middle name is St. Patrick. (He was born in Clarendon, Jamaica, on April 14, 1978.) The Tigers will make it to the SEC title game and either beat Florida or lose to UT.

Mississippi State
"Dog" safety Pig Prather, a Playboy preseason All-America, and free safety Josh Morgan lead the team that upset Florida 47-35 last September, lost to LSU in overtime in October, beat 'Bama 29-7 and lost in OT to Arkansas in November, and edged Texas A&M 43-41 in OT December. The Bulldogs get their chance to ruin Florida's No. 1 ranking on Sept. 29. in Gainesville.

Auburn
"I normally put the schedule on our refrigerator," says Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville. "My wife asked why I didn't do that this year. I said I didn't want to look at it."
Redshirt freshman Jason "Jay Cam" Campbell, a Parade All-America, is the quarterback, and freshman tailback Carnell "Cadillac" Williams ran for 102 yards in a pre-season scrimmage.

Alabama
The worst offense in the SEC a year ago. A challenge for new coach Dennis Franchione, who gets to clean up the wreckage of the DuBose years. Look for a lively quarterback battle between junior Tyler Watts, who weighs 217 pounds and who can squat 515 pounds and hang and clean 315 pounds after recovering from a torn ACL in his left knee, and senior Andrew Zow, who also weighs 217 pounds and also once tore the ACL in his left knee, back when he was a senior at Union County High in Florida.

Ole Miss
It's as close to a Faulkner novel—well, maybe a Grisham novel—as football can get. Once again David Cutcliffe gets to coach a Manning at quarterback—only this time it's Eli, and at Ole Miss, where dad Archie was a legend and mom Olivia was Homecoming Queen. It'll be a tough year for Eli behind a young offensive line. Joe Gunn is the running back, but look out for freshmen Brandon Jacobs. Redshirt freshman receiver Trey Fryfogle is the top receiver.

Arkansas
"Sometimes it's just bad karma," said Dean Weber, the Arkansas trainer, explaining to John Adams of the News-Sentinel why last season Razorback starters fell to injuries like World War I soldiers running into machinegun fire. Perhaps coach Houston Nutt should trade in the weight room for a Kung-Fu style monastery, shave his head and start speaking in epigrammatic Haikus. "The Run and the Pass are like two streams that join and carve their way through the defense, no matter how solid it might appear."
Quarterback Robby Hampton's karma apparently didn't cut the mustard. His separated shoulder never really healed from last year and he's been reincarnated as a speech therapist. Having earned his degree in communication disorders last spring, Hampton will be doing graduate work while sophomore Zak Clark barks signals for the Hogs.
Secondary coach Dave Wommack describes his multiple defense as "organized confusion. We want to be pro-active. We want offenses to be more concerned about what we're doing than what they're doing."
Ah! But the blitz is like the rain. Too much can wash away the good with the bad.