What does Brooks Clark know, anyway? Well, a lot. But Adrienne Martini and Joey Cody aren't afraid.
Our very own Chicks' Picks.tm
Armed with little more than a stack of borrowed Sports Illustrateds, the magic that is the Internet, and some powerful women's intuition, Joey Cody and Adrienne Martini pit their prediction powers against the Brooks Clark powerhouse. Who will emerge victorious—the almighty sportswriter, or two curly-haired girls who know zilch about college football? Venture a guess of your own.
We find our fair prognosticators enjoying a nice brew on a lovely purple couch in a shabbily chic North Knoxville home. Chit-chat ensues, but soon the girls decide to get down to business, recycling old mascot jokes and analyzing color-coordination.
Sept. 2: Southern Mississippi
AM: Now which one is Southern Mississippi? Is that Ole Miss? Or something else entirely?
JC: We may be in way over our heads here.
AM: No, wait. (The sound of frantic page-turning is heard.) SI has the Southern Miss Golden Eagles ranked 20. UT is 14. Golden Eagles? How scary is a Golden Eagle? Dangerous, maybe, if one dropped out of the sky and fell on your head but not nearly as intimidating as one would hope. Freak accidents aren't scary so much as irritating.
JC: I'm always in for an underdog, Adrienne, being the beleaguered yet steadfast Seahawks fan that I am. But I've gotta give the first home game to the Vols. I just pray my skybox is ready in time.
AM: Hey, their colors are the same as my beloved Steelers, who have been having a really lousy series of seasons. I betcha the Golden Eagles' quarterback is a yutz, too. That does it. I'm going with the Vols.
Final Answer: Vols
Sept. 16: Florida
JC: The fearsome Florida.
AM: In the interest of full disclosure, I must make it known that most of my Southern cousins graduated from Florida. I hesitate to give that side of the family any more ammunition to use against me at holidays. I hear enough about how I don't have kids yet; the last thing I want is to let them dog me for not picking Florida this year. Therefore, I abstain. It's all you, Cody.
JC: Oh, Jesus. I really wish you hadn't told me that, Adrienne. Uhhh...I'd love to bow out of this vote as well, seein' as how this prophecy won't win me any popularity contests. But to be completely honest, I'm just not sure the Vols believe they can beat that butt-ugly Florida jersey. I'd love to see it, but I'm just not feelin' it. Here's to a great tail-gate for your cuz. I just hope that mutant chipmunk, Bob Kesling, can maintain control of bodily functions during this game.
Final Answer: Gators
Sept. 23: Louisiana—Monroe
AM: I've actually driven through Monroe, Louisiana. Dreadful place. Truly horrible. And it's just too damn muggy to think of anyone playing football there.
JC: (bEEEEElch!) S'cuse me. Well, evidently, they don't play football there, Adrienne. The Indians are ranked 108 of 115.
AM: Gotta go with the Vols on this one. It's a gimme.
JC: Yeah, no sweat.
Final Answer: Vols
Sept. 30: Louisiana State University
JC: Look! The quarterback's name is Josh Booty. I wonder if you pronounce it Cajun—style: "Boot-tay."
AM: I'm sure he had to grow up tough with a name like Booty. And their fight song: "Hey Fighting Tiger." Sounds like something you'd say to a sailor on leave if you were looking to make a booty call. They do play in a place called Death Valley—though I get the feeling that refers more to the home team choking all the time...
JC: This is all getting way too technical for me.
Final Answer: Vols
Oct. 7: Georgia
AM: I love Uga, the mascot. Always had a soft spot in my heart for bulldogs. Cuteness counts in my book, even though it has gotten me into trouble in the past. And while Smoky is a lovely dog in his own right, the Vols are not named after him. Besides, I loved Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
JC: Whatever. You and your funny little books. I just remember driving down to Athens one year to see my sister's volleyball tournament. I inadvertently wore a peach sweater (peach, not orange—you color-blind idjits), and I was harassed and pelted with gravel for blocks. Those people are mean. Rabid, even. And meanness counts in this game.
Final Answer: Georgia
Oct. 21: Alabama
JC: The Crimson Tide.
AM: I'm scared.
JC: What does that mean? The Crimson Tide? Sounds menstrual.
AM: Like they're a bunch of girls.
JC: Not to say girls can't play...
AM: Right—it's just so vague. What exactly is the crimson tide, anyway. Is it a beach algae? Eeew. Not scary. Just gross.
JC: Elephantitis is a sideline too. Besides, our boys will be coming off a tough game with the Dawgs—they'll be pumped.
Final Answer: Vols
Oct. 28: South Carolina
AM: OK, the Gamecocks had a 0-11 record last year.
JC: (giggle) Gamecocks?
AM: Quit being such a kid. The fighting 'cocks were a bit limp. They have the nation's longest losing streak.
JC: WA. I wonder what their mascot is. A garnet dildo? I wonder how they'll penetrate our defense. They're gonna really hafta get it up to beat UT.
AM: OK, OK, I get it. Sounds like somebody needs to get a little gamecock of their own.
JC: Watch it, Florida-lover. I'm just tryin' ta do my job here.
Final Answer: Vols
Nov. 4: Memphis
JC: Well, they have a better record than the flaccid 'cocks.
AM: You've got to let this go, Joey.
JC: But there is that whole interstate rivalry thing. And the game is in Memphis, which means that there will be partying on Beale Street the night before. Can a hung-over Vol beat a bright-eyed Tiger?
AM: Surely Coach Fulmer will lock the players in their rooms the night before. Speaking of—did I ever tell you the story about how I was bitten by a duck at the Peabody? Strangest thing.
JC: Would you please stay focused?
Final Answer: Vols
Nov. 11: Arkansas
AM: The only state worse than Arkansas is Oklahoma. No, really.
JC: Ouch. And none of their players last names' start with "Z." That could really hurt them, Adrienne.
AM: Whah?
JC: Well, you see, a well-rounded roster with a Z-player reflects a certain anal-retentive preparedness.
AM: All right, you're cut off.
Final Answer: Vols
Nov. 18: Kentucky
JC: Oh boy. Their quarterback's name is Jared. I once had an epic crush on my baby-sitter, Jared. He broke my heart. Hideous death to all Jareds.
AM: That's as good a reason as any to pick the Vols. You haven't had an unrequited a crush on any of them, have you?
JC: Nope. I prefer the debate team. But Kentucky and Tennessee states are like twin brothers who can't stand each other. It could get bloody. And Tennessee always wins at blood sports.
Final Answer: Vols
Nov. 25: Vanderbilt
AM: Ah, Vandy. The school East Tennessee loves to hate.
JC: How do they catch a ball without dropping their silver spoons?
AM: Where's the grit? Where's Vandy's blue-collar moxie?
JC: They really are the Niles Crane of the SEC, aren't they?
Final Answer: Vols. In their sleep.
August 31, 2000 * Vol. 10, No. 35
© 2000 Metro Pulse
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