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Best Name for the New Convention Center
"Knoxville Convention Center"
Shucks, we're flattered and all, but there is no way we're going to call the new convention center "Metro Pulse." Or anything involving a marginally obscene pun on the mayor's last name. Or the "Knoxvegas Roller Derby Arena," even though that moniker would be yards more controversy-provoking than the latest Amway gathering. Face it, the bland title "Knoxville Convention Center" is simple, explanatory, and won't leave conventioneers wandering about the city in a haze, trying to figure out how to get to the "Pit of Darkness."
Some Other Suggestions: Appalachian Mart, Bob's Bidness Barn, Bubba's Vol Emporium, For Lease, Jake Butcher Enterprise Pavilion, Peyton's Place, The Real Knoxville Center, The Victor Dome, The Where the Hell Am I Gonna Park Plaza & Convention Center
Best Way To Lure Tourists To Knoxville
One of you light-hearted do-gooders suggested we should just "be honest as a culture and open to each other." Sure, go for the easy answer. Perhaps at 5 p.m. we should all hike down to the Sunsphere and sing "Kumbayah." Nope. The masses have spoken, and they agree that the answer lies in shipping in retirees to blow their life savings at slot machines. Sadly, they're probably rightbut if we can't even legalize a lottery, it'll be a cold day in Nashville before casinos are allowed to cross the border.
Some Other Suggestions: Free beer, bring Gatlinburg here, build the damn baseball stadium, "by gunpoint," finish killing off all the other trees and plants and make one giant paved parking lot and mall and of course paint it orange, "first drink is free," naked city council meetings
Best Self-Help Group That Knoxville Needs Most
Vols Conspiracy Theory Recovery Group
Let it go already. Precious Peyton didn't get the Heisman. The Vols lost the Orange Bowl. Repeat after us: "I (state first name here) am powerless over UT sports. I bleed orange and white. I release my problem to a Higher Power and promise to quit bellyaching about the disappointments of the past. I will not curse the world when my team loses and will be gracious in the face of adversity." Now take off that silly foam finger and sit the heck down.
Some Other Suggestions: Bad Drivers Anonymous, Complacency Anonymous, Developers Anonymous, How to Cope When Your Favorite Restaurant Goes Out of Business, How to Put 25 Cents in a Parking Meter, It's Okay to Look to the Future With Your City Planning Support Group, Knoxvillians Addicted to the Need for Chain Link Fences, Peyton Manning Withdrawal Group, Near-Sighted City Planners Anonymous, The Secular Humanist Lonely Hearts Club
Best Cover-Up By A Public Official
Far and away the biggest vote getter was the KPD's handling of the death of Andre Stenson in police custodywhich was mainly to spread uncorroborated stories about crack cocaine "found" in Stenson's car. Once this untruth was exposedseveral days laterChief Phil Keith and spokesman Foster Arnett backpedaled by saying "someone" at the crime scene had told Foster about the alleged crack, who then told Keith, who then told the media at large for days on end. Gee, too bad they can't remember who gave them that erroneous reportit was only the most sensitive police incident of the year, right when relations with the black community were already at an all-time low. Oh well!
Runners Up: KPD Sgt. McGoldrick's hit and run cover-up, Sheriff Tim Hutchison's gas shortage, KPD's beer buying bru-ha-ha, the late Sen. Carl Koella's hit and run court case, Peyton Manning's mooning incident, Allen Morgan's toupee, and "the ones we don't know about"
Best Thing To Blame El Nino For
Please raise your hand if you answered "rain" and/or any reference to bad weather. Good. Now keep them up so that we can get an accurate count. Great. Starting this Friday, Metro Pulse will be hosting a Humor-Impaired/Literalists Anonymous Group at a to-be-determined location. All of you standing there with your hands waving about will be rounded up and herded to the meeting. Don't call us. We know where you are.
Some Other Suggestions: Everything, Peyton Manning Losing The Heisman, Annexation, Annoyance As A Result Of Hearing El Nino Mentioned 50 Times A Day, Dollywood, Inability To Develop A Central Business District, Metro Pulse's decline to a mainstream rag, my brother's golf game, my fear of commitment, NASCAR, Reggie White's increasingly psychotic musings.