Metro Pulse Online: Movies, Past &Amp; Future

Armed only with his mysterious mental connection to the feral minds of studio executives, the Movie Guru reveals just how good or bad this week's new releases will be:

Jersey Girl (PG-13)
Kevin Smith (remember him?) wrote and directed this romantic comedy about Ollie Trinke (Ben Affleck), a Manhattan music publicist who’s got everything going for him—until his wife (Jennifer Lopez) dies after childbirth. He retreats to the New Jersey suburbs where he grew up. George Carlin appears as his dad, and Liv Tyler is his prospective new girlfriend. (Jay and Silent Bob not included.)
Prediction: Not to be confused with the miserable failure Gigli that paired the now-defunct Bennifer, Jersey Girl will be more like a Chasing Amy minus a lesbian, plus a kid: cute, smart, funny, etc.

The Ladykillers (R)
This 1955 comedy originally starred Alec Guinness and Peter Sellers as thieves planning a heist from a London flat. In the revision tweaked by Ethan and Joel Coen, Tom Hanks is a Southern professor who rents a room from an old lady (Irma P. Hall) and proceeds to plan the heist of a cash-laden riverboat casino using her basement as HQ. As he and his thief pals (including Marlon Wayans) pose as a band practicing “church music,” the old lady gets suspicious and threatens the scheme.
Prediction: Recent offerings from the Coen Brothers can be hit (The Big Lebowski) or miss (Intolerable Cruelty), so it’s hard to know which way this topsy-turvy tale will land. But it’s nice to see Tom Hanks in a rare comedic role.

My Architect: A Son’s Journey (NR)
This Oscar-nominated documentary by Nathaniel Kahn tracks the filmmaker’s mission to get to know his deceased father, famous architect Louis I. Kahn. The film blends images of Kahn’s most respected works with interviews with former colleagues and family members, some of whom, including Nathaniel, were illegitimate and kept secret.
Prediction: Heart-wrenching and beautiful.

Never Die Alone (R)
King David (DMX) is a smooth criminal whose evil ways catch up with him despite his efforts at redemption. David Arquette is an aspiring reporter who discovers the tapes David recorded before his death, revealing the dark details of his past exploits and his regrets. Based on the novel by Donald Goines, the prolific author whose writing career began when he was in prison.
Prediction: If you can watch hours of MTV2, you’ll pick up on what this movie is putting out.

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (PG)
Further proof that it’s a youth culture: the original was thoroughly insulted and dismissed by critics but adored by kids who don’t know any better. This time around the Scooby Gang must rescue the world from an onslaught of monsters. Tired of always screwing up, Shaggy and Scooby commit themselves to saving the day. The returning cast, including Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr., is joined by guests Alicia Silverstone as a reporter and Gellar’s former Buffy co-star Seth Green.
Prediction: The funniest part of the trailer shows Fred complaining about Shaggy’s theft of his “Let’s split up and look for clues” line. Things can’t improve much from there.

Of Tuscany & Tombs

It may be based on real events, but Under the Tuscan Sun (2003, PG-13) plays more like a yuppie fairy tale. After losing her San Francisco home in the divorce settlement with her two-timing husband, successful author and college professor Frances (Diane Lane) goes on vacation in Northern Italy. Realizing San Francisco holds nothing for her now, the distraught divorcee buys a house in Tuscany, fixes it up, and learns to live and love again in the process.

The film, while gorgeously filmed and glorious to behold, suffers from a lack of dramatic tension. Despite occasional funks and Home Improvement-esque mishaps, Frances never appears to suffer. Her spirits were obviously dampened by her husband’s infidelity, but the audience isn’t shown enough of her previous “perfect” marriage to perceive the divorce as anything more than a summer squall temporarily blotting out the sunshine of Frances’ life.

For heaven’s sake, Frances has plenty of money and no material wants. She’s restoring a beautiful villa in a beautiful country. She lives life at her leisure. And she’s not so withdrawn that she avoids others. Thus, Frances’ home becomes a refuge for an assortment of oddball characters, including the itinerant Polish laborers restoring the place, Patti, a friend also fleeing San Francisco, Katherine, sort of an elder stateswoman with a Fellini fixation, and Mr. Martini, the helpful realtor. Surrounded as she is by caring, affectionate people, Frances’ supposed anxieties about finding love again ring hollow.

On the far end of the spectrum, tough, smart, resourceful and beautiful Lara Croft is a character whose adventures should be fun to watch. But she’s got to get better adventures first. Lara Croft, Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003, PG-13) is a turgid excuse for an action movie. The plot revolves around Croft’s race to prevent a madman from releasing the horrors contained within Pandora’s Box. Angelina Jolie adequately embodies the title role, but the most engaging aspect of this video-game heroine’s sophomore cinema outing is identifying all the plot pieces and action sequences lifted from other films.

—Scott McNutt