Armed only with his mysterious mental connection to the feral minds of studio executives, the Movie Guru reveals just how good or bad this week's new releases will be:

Miracle (PG)
Miracle is a re-enactment of the U.S. Olympic hockey team's semifinal victory over the heavily favored Soviet squad in 1980.
Prediction: No expense was spared in making this feel-good biopic. To accurately portray U.S. coach Herb Brooks, Kurt Russell's coif is reported to have cost an estimated $1.7 million. Catch the Super Bowl Halftime show? Now that was a miracle.

Catch That Kid (PG)
Twelve-year-old Maddy attempts to rob a high-tech bank where her mom (Jennifer Beals) works as a security officer with hopes to pay for a costly operation for her dad.
Prediction: Awww. Isn't that adorable? The little girl is stealing. Take your kids to this one, and plant the seeds for criminal development early.

Barbershop 2: Back in Business
When a corporate hair franchise moves in across the street from the neighborhood barbershop, the two battle for local business.
Prediction: The tried-and-true David-versus-Goliath formula gets the wacky ghetto treatment. Barbershop looks like little more than a UPN sitcom littered with expletives for good measure.

Summer Movie Meltdown

Big, bright, and blaring, both Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (PG-13, 2003) and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (PG-13, 2003) fit the bill for summer blockbusters. Yet, despite Johnny Depp's Best Actor Oscar nod for his characterization of Cap'n Jack Sparrow in Pirates, neither movie is bold or particularly bewitching. They are slight confections, like ice cream melting in the summer heat, soon gone and forgotten. League, however, is vanilla compared to Pirates' mocha fudge.

Despite its clever premise (famous characters from 19th and early 20th century literature—including Tom Sawyer, Captain Nemo, and Allan Quatermain—band together to thwart a global menace), League feels tired. A goodly portion of the story is spent simply assembling the league, giving the film a scattered quality. The set-piece fights with the minions of evil are by rote, a "spectacular" race to save Venice from being destroyed is incomprehensible, and the climactic finale is absurd.

Sean Connery plays the aging adventurer Quatermain as a hero out for his last hurrah, and the film lovingly dwells on his displays of sagacity. It appears executive producer Sean Connery had no objections to his star's self-conscious turn as Quatermain.

Johnny Depp's drunken, half-mad Jack Sparrow is as iconoclastic as Connery's Quatermain is iconic, providing needed laughs in Pirates of the Caribbean. Based on the Disney attraction, Pirates tells the story of Sparrow's quest to regain command of his ship (the titular Black Pearl) and break the curse that's been put on it. Circumstance involves him with young would-be lovers Will Turner (Orlando Bloom, solidifying his hold on heroic roles) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley). The performances are competent, and Geoffrey Rush is especially fun as Sparrow's nemesis, Barbossa. Some dry lulls are a problem, where a little more witty banter would have put the wind back in Pirates' sails. Though sufficient swashes are buckled and much derring-do done, Pirates is a romp never fully roused.

—Scott McNutt

January 29, 2004 * Vol. 14, No. 5
© 2003 Metro Pulse