Armed only with his mysterious mental connection to the feral minds of studio executives, the Movie Guru reveals just how good or bad this week's new releases will be:

The Perfect Score (PG-13)
Six high-school seniors plot to steal the SAT answers by breaking into the Princeton Testing Center.
Prediction: This light-hearted heist flick looks slightly less painful than taking the SAT.

The Big Bounce (PG-13)
Jack Ryan (Owen Wilson) is a charming, petty criminal who partners with businessman Walter Crewes (Morgan Freeman) to scam a developer (Gary Sinise) out of money.
Prediction: Based on an Elmore Leonard novel, the movie showed real potential right up to the point where Owen Wilson signed on.

You Got Served (PG-13)
Hip-hop dance friends David (Omarion) and Elgin (Marques Houston) are the best. But their reputations and tight bond end up on the line when they are challenged in the biggest competition of the year.
Prediction: Just watching the trailer for this teen blaxploitation flick makes me feel whiter than a loaf of Wonder bread.

Girl with the Pearl Earring (PG-13)
A 16-year-old Dutch girl named Griet (Scarlett Johansson) gets a job as a maid in the house of painter Johannes Vermeer (Colin Firth), and becomes the subject of one of his paintings.
Prediction: The novel of the same name by Tracy Chevalier is subtle, richly detailed and deeply emotional. Word from critics is that the film is a worthy visual representation.

The Company (PG-13)
Neve Campbell plays a ballet dancer whose other interests distract her from becoming a major performer in her ballet company. Directed by Robert Altman.
Prediction: Dancers from the Joffrey Ballet in Chicago, and Campbell (who was enrolled in the National Ballet School of Canada)? I'll be right there, honey. Company's got me reaching for my tights and pointe shoes.

Dating in the Frame

Valentine's Day may still be a couple of weeks away, but hell, the candy displays and flower shrines have been choking store aisles since New Year's. You can take that as either an indication of how commercially whorish our society has gotten, or as a humorous reminder of just how complicated dating can be in our sometime (okay, oftentimes) puzzling society.

That complexity extends to a couple of 1999 mockumentaries, both of which try to get to the bottom of relationships in the United States.

The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human is a pseudo alien documentary following a couple from furtive glances across a dance club to a flower-garnished wedding chapel. Most of the film's humor comes from its imitation of a nature documentary. Only, instead of learning about chimps using tools to gather food in the wild, here we get a nervous phone number exchange juxtaposed against the Natural Geographic-style drawl of Frasier's David Hyde Pierce.

The film is at its best when the alien narrator is interpreting and, more often than not, misinterpreting human behavior. It's only when the dating becomes a relationship that the humor drops off.

For later '90s documentary dating, there's also Myles Berkowitz's 20 Dates. This film follows Berkowitz as he goes on a series of dates, each of them filmed, in an attempt to both find love and explain its mysterious intricacies. Myles is about as skilled at dating as George W. is at truth-telling.

Myles finds himself on the curb again and again. He finds a woman who appreciates France and picks a fight with her. He decides to be honest with another date, so he tells her about the hidden camera and nearly winds up in court. All the while, Myles argues with his agent and the film's financial backer, who both want substantially more T & A.

Even so, Myles somehow succeeds, both in love and as a filmmaker. If you can get past his narcissism and superficiality, you'll find a funny peek into both filmmaking and romance.

—Lloyd Babbit

January 29, 2004 * Vol. 14, No. 5
© 2003 Metro Pulse