Metro Pulse Online: Movies, Past &Amp; Future

Armed only with his mysterious mental connection to the feral minds of studio executives, the Movie Guru reveals just how good or bad this week's new releases will be:

Camp (PG-13)
Finally, a movie about teens who aren't drugged-up, over-sexed and racing cars all over the neighborhood. Camp is about other kids, the ones who would rather spend their summer vacation performing Shakespeare than chasing tail on the beach. Written and directed by theater nerd Todd Graff, Camp introduces a host of funny, sweet and complicated kids who are just trying to figure it all out.
Prediction: Like Waiting for Guffman, Camp will appeal to theater nerds of all ages—and then some.

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (PG-13)
To get the role of a lifetime in a Rob Reiner film, Dickie Roberts (David Spade) must recapture the one thing that early fame and fortune prevented him from having: a real childhood. Surrounded by numerous co-stars who were child starts themselves, Spade hires a family to help him experience the key moments of growing up, like rides in the stroller and playing on the Slip & Slide.
Prediction: David Spade is the cutest and least annoying of his post-SNL brethren. And the use of grown-up kid stars like Screech, Leif Garrett, Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams and Corey Feldman could actually be funny. With heart. Help us all.

The Housekeeper (NR)
In this French romantic fantasy directed by Claude Berri, a lonely guy (Jean-Pierre Bacri) hires a lovely girl (Émilie Dequenne) to clean his apartment. They chat while she does housework. He becomes smitten. Will she overlook their age difference to accept his overtures? Will he let himself give in to his youthful impulses?
Prediction: Watching the French be romantic in Paris can be downright depressing if your love life isn't up to par. Only view if you're in a sane frame of mind. If it's not charming enough, watch Amelie.

The Order (R)
Writer/director Brian Helgeland gets more credit for the screenplays he's adapted from novels (L.A. Confidential, Blood Work) than his solo work. But the fun, self-awareness of his 2001 A Knight's Tale was underappreciated. In The Order, two Knight stars return: Heath Ledger as Alex Bermier, a New York City priest investigating ritual murders with religious implications, and Shannyn Sossamon (who's had the same haircut for years!) is the detective on the case. As Bermier finds out exactly what he's dealing with—some "rogue priests" operating outside the law—his own faith is tested.
Prediction: The religious/supernatural concepts might be cool enough to overcome Ledger's weird accent and the complete farce of him as a priest and Sossamon as a detective. What are they, 22? But I'm guessing the final product is as messy as the trailer.

Ahoy, Matey!

Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) . . . psyche! That movie's not yet on video, or I'd sing the praises of the amusingly absurd Johnny Depp. But the Disney romp reminded me of other pirate-y movies of yore. I'm not talking about classic Errol Flynn fare, but the farces of my youth—those movies that make you grin and grimace, and maybe sing, "Yo ho ho!" Today, I give you three swashbucklers that are so bad, they're good.

The Pirate Movie (1982) supplied me and my sisters with years' worth of starry-eyed singing and one-liners. The musical comedy is both parody of and homage to Gilbert and Sullivan's Pirates of Penzance.

The battle scenes, nods to Star Wars, and the Cali-flavored, goofily sexy duo of Kristy McNichol (as Mabel) and Christopher Atkins (as Frederic) were intoxicating to my young mind. And Mom didn't seem to mind the frequently bawdy scenes, featuring lines like "You'll be hung!" from Mabel, and, "Oh, I am, I am. And very well, thank you" from the Pirate King, played with relish by Ted Hamilton.

The most fun pirate movies have always been heavy on the fantasy, but mix in some sci-fi, and how can you go wrong? I realize Waterworld (1995) was a money pit that got brutally panned, but I actually enjoyed it. Kevin Costner with gills! Jeanne Tripplehorn as the saucy wench! I mean, come on! Futuristic Road Warrior rip-offs don't get any better. The Greenhouse Effect has finally melted the polar ice caps, and the earth is covered in water. The remaining people travel the oceans, dreaming of the mythical Dryland. The Mariner (Kevin Costner) is a Christ-like loner who, since he sports mutant gills, signals a new evolution in humanity.

But the evil Deacon (the diabolical Dennis Hopper), who leads his bandit "smokers" from the helm of a pirated oil tanker, doesn't much care for the Mariner's influence and keeps trying to kill him. Deacon, frustrated with the longevity of his nemesis, complains, "He's like a turd that won't flush!" Which I guess explains Waterworld's staying power—in my mind, at least.

Speaking of H2O, in junior high, the most oft-quoted movie was Ice Pirates (1984). This great sci-fi adventure spoof—right up there with Spaceballs—relied on a bit more original subject matter than most other Star Wars take-offs: In the future, water is the most precious and expensive stuff around. The Pirates survive by stealing water in its frozen form. IP is a true space opera, featuring sword and bar fights, robots and monsters, and (of course) time warps.

Enjoy these bombs which are really the bomb. (Sorry, couldn't stop myself.) Join me next time when I review the timeless Popeye, starring Robin Williams.

—Joey Cody