Armed only with his mysterious mental connection to the feral minds of studio executives, the Movie Guru reveals just how good or bad this week's new releases will be:

DELIVER US FROM EVA (R)
Three guys, tired of their meddling sister (Gabrielle Union) nosing into their respective relationships, hire a penniless playboy (LL Cool J) to give her some romance of her own. Things seem to go smoothly, then, natch, the playboy falls in love with the busybody. One just can't tire of this kind of plot, especially just before Valentine's day, right? Oy...
Prediction: But maybe there's a chance for this one. There is some hope that director Gary Hardwick, who did a good job with Union in The Brothers, can polish her star a little. Perhaps sparkling performances can overcome a stale plot.

HEAVEN (R)
From a script begun by late Polish director Krzysztof Kieslowski (of the Blue, White, and Red trilogy fame), director Tom Tykwer has made this film, starring Cate Blanchett as an English teacher in Turin, Italy. Philippa suffers the grievous pain of seeing her husband and some of her students die because of the drug trade in the town. She seeks revenge by planting a bomb in the drug dealer's office, but it kills four innocents instead. The moral dilemma of her guilt and her resolve to escape conviction for her crime in order to kill the dealer draw in a young police officer who helps her escape.
Prediction: If you like your cinema with moral quandaries, obsession, fate, hate, death, and Cate Blanchett, this is a must.

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS (PG-13)
Kate Hudson is a women's magazine columnist who has to write a column about all the things women do to drive men away, and she's got to do it in ten days. Matthew McConaughey is an ad exec who makes a big bet with his boss that he can make a woman fall in love with him in ten days. Naturally, two such shallow and dim characters deserve each other, so thank goodness they chance to meet.
Prediction: Waste of time. Waste of talent. Don't think so? Don't make me come over there with a stick...

RABBIT PROOF FENCE (PG)
In Australia, three aboriginal girls, taken from their mothers to be trained as domestic servants, escape from their captors and set off for home, trekking 1,500 miles across the Outback. The title is reference to a fence that stretched hundreds of miles across the outback.
Prediction: Supposed to be darned good, as well as a wrenching expose of brutal practices indulged in by the Australian government up through 1970, for which they have yet to apologize.

SHANGHAI KNIGHTS (PG-13)
In this sequel to 2000's Shanghai Noon, Chon (Jackie Chan) and Roy (Owen Wilson) head to London to find the rebel who murdered Chon's father and "Hiiiii-Ya!" themselves into a conspiracy to rub out the royal family.
Prediction: Both Chan and Wilson could use a hit. This ain't it.

Cable and the Modern Girl

Every bloody time I'm one step away from telling Comcast exactly where they can jam their digital cable converter box, something irresistibly delicious shows up on BBC America, a channel that is only available to digital subscribers. Somehow the Comcast suits know whenever I am preparing to drop their damn box off of the tallest building I can find.

How else would they know the exact right time to tease me with So Graham Norton? This saucy chat show, which runs weeknights at 11, is miles beyond what Jay, Dave, Conan, or Jimmy could ever hope to achieve. Rather than simply plunk his guests on a couch and pester them with questions, Norton puts them in cheeky situations to see which way they'll jump. The result is always priceless, like Joan Rivers' guest spot, in which Norton has her demonstrate how she'd sell a rather sizable martial aid on QVC. Hysteria ensues.

Norton has even taped one of his shows at our very own Dollywood. And while I've not managed to catch that episode—I lack Tivo and Comcast's Byzantine box makes it impossible to tape anything over channel 99—I can only image that Norton and Ms P. got on like a house in flames.

Still, that one show is not quite enough to keep me subscribing. While I still dearly love Ground Force and Changing Rooms, I think I've seen every last episode. As I'm pondering when I would wean myself from Comcast's teat, on comes Coupling (Sundays, 10 p.m.) which is the Brit's answer to Friends, but with a lot more sexual situations. Recent episodes have featured plots that centered around masturbation, naughty videos, and boffing one's coworkers, which makes for a pleasant change from the rather dry sex talk on American airwaves. In spite of all the chatter about sex, the show itself is somehow touchingly sweet, in a randy sort of way. While one American network is adapting a version for our national use, it's hard to believe that it will translate. Remember what happened to Men Behaving Badly?

So I will keep my cable, just to catch these shows. Damn you, Comcast. Damn you and your customer support lines to the lowest depths of hell.

—Adrienne Martini

February 6, 2003 * Vol. 13, No. 6
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