Armed only with his mysterious mental connection to the feral minds of studio executives, the Movie Guru reveals just how good or bad this week's new releases will be:

A GUY THING (PG-13)
Jason Lee is engaged to Selma Blair, but one morning he wakes up next to Julia Stiles. Oops.
Prediction: The blonde'll have more fun.

THE HOURS (PG-13)
Star-studded adaptation of Michael Cunningham's book, which won both the PEN/Faulkner Award and the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. The camera splits its time between Nicole Kidman, playing Virginia Woolf as she begins to write Mrs. Dalloway; Julianne Moore, playing a WWII-era mother; and Meryl Streep, playing a gay book editor throwing a party for her AIDS-stricken friend. Woolf's words touch all their lives.
Prediction: Not flawless, but solidly literary and thoughtful. If only we could get more like this.

KANGAROO JACK (PG)
Jerry Bruckheimer plus Christopher Walken equals a story about some mobsters, car crashes... and a smart-aleck marsupial? The weirdest genre melding in recent memory, this one attempts to combine an action flick with a kids' cute-mammal-a-thon. Ostensibly starring Jerry O'Connell and Anthony Anderson, but the real star is of course the 'roo—who, despite what trailers might have you believe, doesn't actually talk. (Readers may remember Snow Dogs pulling a similar dirty trick last year.)
Prediction: Between the cartoon slapstick, bathroom humor, sexual innuendo and assortment of exploding vehicles, it's inappropriate for every age group.

NATIONAL SECURITY (PG-13)
Not a hard-hitting assessment of our nation's capability to combat terrorism, but an action-comedy about rent-a-cop Martin Lawrence's capabilities to break up a smuggling ring, with a little help from Steve Zahn.
Prediction: Black guy and white guy don't get along... bam, bam, rat-a-tat.... They trade a bunch of only mildly funny insults... boom, crash... In the end they come through for each other. Oh, whoops, guess you don't have to see it now.

THE PIANIST (R)
Roman Polanski's Palme D'or-winning film about Wladyslaw Szpilman, a Jewish pianist on the run during World War II. Incidentally, Polanski himself hid from the Nazis as a child.
Prediction: A triumphant return for Polanski after the disappointment of 1999's The Ninth Gate, and a Holocaust film far more affecting than the sometimes syrupy Schindler's List.

STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF MOTOWN (PG)
Who's played on more number one hits than The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Beach Boys, and Elvis combined? The Funk Brothers, that's who. You might not know their name, but you've certainly heard them play, as they did backup for just about everybody in Motown.
Prediction: Probably fun, as long as the filmmakers realize we're in it for the music, not the chat. If they start asking every single member of The Funk Brothers "Why are you a musician?," I'm walking out.

Grave Spinning

Poor Disney. What started out as such an innovative animation house, full of folks who could make films that were both commercial and creative, is now no more than a giant warehouse full of talented artists who are forced to churn out creativity-free commercials. Sure, Uncle Walt and his heirs are raking in the cash, what with the theme parks and "family-friendly" fare. But the films, once the hallmark of what animation could do, have gotten less interesting to those over the age of five with each passing feature.

Take Lilo and Stitch (PG, 2002). In the previews, this Lilo looked like a return to form for the mouse house. Stitch seemed like a main character full of belligerence and humor, a 180-degree turn from tepid fare. Lilo appeared to be a little girl on which all little girls should model themselves—spunky, independent, and self-confident. Even the visuals marked a change from the norm. While Disney's typical clean lines still remained, the figures gained an R. Crumbishness, with exaggerated thighs and stylized faces.

Such a sea change wasn't meant to be, however. The extraterrestrial Stitch, himself, is a scream most of the time and Lilo is a refreshing heroine, who only occasionally dips into saccharine precociousness. What's unfortunate about this film is everything else. The plot is flimsy and exists simply to provide Stitch the chance to make cute with his earthly family. Most of the other characters serve as mere props—like the sadly wasted Ving Rhames as Mr. Cobra Bubbles (Get it? His name's a joke!)—who never develop into anything more than place markers in what could have been an engaging tale. Even with the Disney marketing machine behind it, Lilo just doesn't cash in. Sure, the studio has sold boatloads of Stitch stuffed critters, but the movie itself is still creatively bankrupt.

To see what Disney was like before they lost their spunk, check out Fantasia (G, 1940). Here is passion, inspiration, soul and humor—and that's before you get to "Night on Bald Mountain." Pass on the 2000 version, which retains only "The Sorcerer's Apprentice," unless you're aching for yet another example of where this once great animation house lost its heart.

—Adrienne Martini

January 16, 2003 * Vol. 13, No. 3
© 2000 Metro Pulse