Metro Pulse/Movie Guru/Summer Movies

Where did the fun summer movies go?

So, how's your summer movie season going? Myself, I'm unimpressed. Summer is the time when we look to Hollywood to dazzle, amaze and entertain us, or at least give us a passable excuse to get out of the sun and loll about in air-conditioned darkness for a while. And so far, the big studio guns with all their gazillion-dollar whiz-bang effects and thundering promotional campaigns haven't given me much reason to leave my houseboat on Norris Lake. If I had a houseboat on Norris Lake. But even without one, I've been hard-pressed to sacrifice a sunny day or sultry summer night to the gods of the popcorn palace.

There was The Mummy Returns, which wasn't as good as The Mummy, which wasn't even that good in the first place. Then there was Shrek, which was kind of cute but not nearly as clever as it thought it was (or as the gushy reviews would have you believe). And Pearl Harbor? Well, I admit I haven't seen it. And I can't think of a single circumstance, barring the threat of physical torture, under which seeing it would seem like a good idea. Ditto Tomb Raider, Evolution, Angel Eyes, Swordfish, The Fast and the Furious, Dr. Dolittle 2, and so on and so forth. The exception is Moulin Rouge, which, O.K., I also haven't seen, but I do actually want to.

When you consider that the big dumb System has already thrown at us movies with collective budgets that equal the GNP of entire nations, I have to say none of us is getting our money's worth this summer.

It's not like I'm looking for great art. I understand the built-in limitations of the blockbuster. But increasingly, the big "event" movies are so laboriously constructed, so calculated to ensure X number of jolts-per-minute and to conform exactly to some formula of what's been successful before that they don't allow for even the tiniest flash of unpredictability or invention. Which makes them the one thing a big-budget summer spectacular should never, ever be: deadly, deadeningly dull. There's a difference between mindless fun and actual mindlessness, and Hollywood keeps landing on the wrong side of the line.

So, by way of injecting at least a little hope into this desolate landscape, it's worth looking ahead to the second half of the season. Most of it will probably not be very good at all. But here's a few possible highlights, lowlights, and dark horses:

A.I. (opens this weekend)

Another darn movie about robots with human emotions, with Steven Spielberg reworking a concept from Stanley Kubrick. If it's good, it'll be because Spielberg's dewy humanism softens Kubrick's analytic coldness. If it's not, it'll be for the same reason. Should be visually stunning if nothing else, but it sound like an uneasy mixture of Blade Runner and Bicentennial Man.

Planet of the Apes (July 27)

On paper, everything a summer movie should be: expensive and action-packed, with actors in monkey suits and a director (Tim Burton) with a track record that almost guarantees at least trashy fun and maybe something more. The danger, as always, is that the effects could overwhelm the storyline.

The Score (July 13)

Three generations of moody method actors (Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro and Edward Norton) star in a heist flick about an aging thief on the brink of retirement who teams with a young hothead for one last job. The story sounds kind of lame, and De Niro and Brando have mostly lapsed into self-parody these days, but you can never completely write them off. Weirdly, it's directed by muppet man Frank Oz. Who knows?

Ghost World (Aug. 3)

Alternative comix superstar (if there is such a thing) Daniel Clowes adapted his own comic about two teenage girls (Thora Birch, Scarlett Johansson) adapting to life after high school. Directed by Terry Zwigoff, who made the riveting documentary Crumb.

The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (Aug. 10)

Woody Allen's output has been spotty for years, veering between "light" comedies so insubstantial they seem contemptuous and "dark" comedies so contemptuous they seem insubstantial. But this is another of his period pieces (think Purple Rose of Cairo, Radio Days, Bullets Over Broadway) with the eternal schlep himself playing a noir-ish investigator who runs into trouble with his boss (Dan Ackroyd) and an efficiency expert he hires (Helen Hunt). Can't help noting Woody's continued creepy casting of gorgeous dames (Hunt, Charlize Theron, Elizabeth Berkley) opposite dowdy fellows like Woody, Dan and Wallace Shawn. But even in his decline, Allen's always a potential bright spot.

Other things I'm personally looking forward to, mostly of the small-scale arty indie variety: Sexy Beast, Ben Kingsley's touted gangster drama; Startup.Com, a you-are-there documentary about one dot-com company's boom and bust; The Princess and The Warrior, a German thriller that reteams the director and star of Run, Lola, Run; Hedwig and the Angry Inch, the film adaptation of the cult off-Broadway musical; Made, a boxing comedy from the writer-director and stars of Swingers (with Sean "P. Diddy" Combs in a supporting role); and it may be a guilty pleasure, but who can resist Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, in which Kevin Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy) finally gives his team of stoned clowns their own vehicle—think of it as a slacker Cheech and Chong movie.

Things I'm not looking forward to at all: American Pie 2, Jurassic Park III, Scary Movie 2, Rush Hour 2...you get the idea.

Now, about that boat...