Metro Pulse/Movie Guru/Attack of the Clones

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Weisfeld whips out his thesaurus and lashes Clones

by Zak Weisfeld

When did George Lucas start to hate us? Was it before Return of the Jedi or after? What did we do wrong? We saw his movies, bought his action figures, ate his fast food meals and even listened to his John Williams score. OK, we didn't go see Howard the Duck. Was that enough? Who can truly know what happens in the heart of another man? Rest assured, George Lucas hates us.

And no, not just me. Not just jaded movie critics and cynical former 20-somethings. No, he hates you, too. All of you. You in the Jedi robe camped out in front of Mann's Chinese. You, the woman that just ordered the third remastered DVD Star Wars trilogy box set with additional Ewok commentary. You ordering tickets online for next Tuesday's show. All of you. His fans.

But if we cannot answer why he hates us or when it came to be that way, we can know for certain that he does. The evidence is currently flickering to grim, incoherent life on movie screens every place on the planet that has a freely traded currency and electricity. It is called: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. And whether the title is merely ironic or is one more example of George making us his bitches is yet another mystery.

It would be tempting to review Attack of the Clones as an ordinary summer movie. Tempting and easy. The only challenge to the reviewer is to find a variety of colorful, erudite synonyms for the word "sucks." Because suck it does. From a script that would shame the writers of General Hospital to a plot that would put a doctoral level poli-sci class to sleep, Attack of the Clones sucks in virtually every way it's possible to suck. The acting is grim (George Lucas hates actors too, if it's any consolation), Jar Jar Binks still plays a part, John Williams' bombastic score is, unfortunately, still wall-to-wall. Amazingly, Clones also manages to suck in ways that surprise. While some of the spaceships are stunningly designed, many of the effects seem flat, and the movie's frame is often dull and crowded.

But what is strangest about Attack of the Clones is that, despite its being a much touted peek into the future of movie-making, full of digital characters, digital environments, shot on digital cameras and even (for the lucky few) projected digitally, it is perhaps the most retrograde movie ever. Some of this is intentional. The first couple of Star Wars films were gleefully hammered together out of the remains of Howard Hawks, King Arthur, 2001 and 1970s California New Age spirituality. Its thievery was democratic and unabashed and, like the magically unoriginal Casablanca, added up to a glorious monument of pop syncretism.

But, in Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Lucas is so busy creating a brave new cinematic world that he has actually taken filmmaking back almost a century. Attack of the Clones—along with its other, numerous faults—is directed with all the ease and fluidity of a pre-Griffith silent film. Though the transitions often feature some staggering special effects, the main action is little more than a stage play tarted up with extremely well-painted backdrops. Because of Lucas' slavery to his special effects, his actors have to work almost entirely in a green room, often talking and/or fighting with non-existent creatures. This leaves most of the cast struggling so vigorously to hit their digitally-demanded marks and imaginary eye-lines that the entire thing is as stiff as a Thomas Edison production. And because George Lucas hates actors too (did I mention that already?), he has no interest in trying to help them—or us.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is not a movie. Or at least it isn't really to be seen or understood as a movie. It is better understood as a movement, or part of one. A movement that, like Romanian communism at the end of the 20th Century, is completely rotten and based entirely on lies, greed and the will to power. Also like Romanian communism (or the Bush administration), it is controlled by an out-of-touch, autocratic lunatic. In this case, George Lucas.

The only upside is that the evil empire is doomed to fall. And Attack of the Clones could be the movie that does it. Like the oppressed people of Romania, we must rise up. If you want to go see an exciting, effects-based action movie this weekend go see Spider-Man. Or, if you want to remember back to that Edenic time before George came to hate us all, rent the original Star Wars on DVD. Or get stoned and watch Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and think of that as George Lucas' true legacy—not this unholy turd of movie.