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And they say we don’t have a sense of humor

Well, it’s been three weeks and, after suffering from anger, denial, bargaining and depression, we’ve just about reached the acceptance phase of the 2004 presidential election. And now that we have gained some perspective on events, we have decided that it is time to put our own two cents in about why we, as Kerry supporters, think we lost. To that end, we throw the following baker’s dozen of possible reasons into the Democratic party-hat.

The Candidate: In hindsight, we probably should have thought twice before nominating a windsurfing, snowboarding, patrician senator from Massachusetts. John Kerry’s inability to connect with middle America was perhaps most pronounced when, during a visit to Green Bay, Wisconsin, he referred to the Green Bay Packers’ legendary Lambeau Field as “Lambert Field.” While the people of Wisconsin ultimately forgave him this folly, Kerry never recovered from offending an even greater constituency—football fans everywhere.

The Running Mate: Much was made of John Edwards’ good looks and sex appeal, to which Vice-President Dick Cheney deadpanned: “How do you think I got this job in the first place?” Edwards was fond of telling voters that there were two Americas, one rich and one poor. Despite the effort to appeal to voters as a modern-day wealth-redistributing Robin Hood, Edwards’ $39 million net worth, earned mostly from his days as an ambulance chasing trial attorney evoked another notorious literary character—Count Dracula. When an exit poll worker asked a voter the difference between a lawyer and a vampire, the voter answered astutely: “One’s a blood sucking creature of darkness, and the other’s a bat.”

The Candidate’s Wife: Billionairess Teresa Heinz-Kerry offended lazy people everywhere when she referred to people “who have never had a real job.” Despite the fact that she was really referring to teachers, librarians, and stay-at-home moms when she made the scatterbrained remark about First Lady Laura Bush, millions of good-for-nothing layabouts decided to protest by, well, being good for nothing and laying about on election day.

Bruce Springsteen: 51% of voters refused to take orders from The Boss and voted for President Bush. In rejecting America’s warmongering past, the electorate flipped a collective middle finger at Springsteen, who once rather famously sang about a buddy who’d gone off “to kill the yellow man,” and his candidate, who, in fact, had actually done just that. Instead, voters stamped their seal of approval on America’s warmongering future by voting for a president famous for killing brown men.

The Guardian: Many Ohio voters were offended by the British newspaper The Guardian’s letter-writing campaign. Prior to Nov. 2, the paper asked its readers to write letters in support of John Kerry (or against President Bush) and mail them to voters in the swing state. Obviously, this tactic backfired. Note to Great Britain: As Bill Maher recently stated: “Next time we want your opinion, we’ll dictate it to Tony Blair.”

God: OK. So, contrary to the beliefs of President Bush, Karl Rove, and some 59 million Americans, God wasn’t actually on the Republican side. What did swing the election for Bush, however, was God’s promise to Satan that He would allow famous M.I.T. professor, and former Soviet agitpropist, Noam Chomsky to keep his designated place in the ninth circle of Hell by maintaining his perfect record of being wrong 100% of the time.

Puff Daddy: That’s right. Not P. Diddy. In an act of youthful rebellion, America’s young people dared the once hip Sean “Puffy” Combs to make good on his threat of “Vote or Die!” The fact that millions of America’s youth stayed away from the polls on election day just goes to prove that, irrespective of how cool it is to wear your MTV Rock the Vote t-shirt, voting’s for old folks. Or, as one slacker put it: “You’re not gonna blame the world’s problems on me, pal.”

The Clinton Factor: In an evil alliance, Clintonites (Bill and Hillary, Carville and McAuliffe) joined forces with the vast right wing conspiracy to defeat John Kerry. Both sides were convinced that nothing—not even the good of the country—should prevent them from their long awaited apocalyptic showdown in 2008.

The Cottage Industry: On a related note, many members of the ultra-left wing of the Democratic Party actually voted for Bush. Unable to come to grips with the thought of no longer having George W. Bush to hate, these people opted for the status quo.

The French: In a widely publicized pre-election poll, French citizens favored Sen. Kerry over President Bush by a margin of 88-12 percent. Like The Guardian factor above, letting Americans know their preference backfired on the French. Still angry over the fact that most French people view Americans as arrogant and overbearing, American voters decided to show them once and for all that it’s our world and that they (the French) are just living in it.

Michael Moore: The controversial documentary filmmaker seemed to be everywhere this election season, even at the Republican convention. But it was his presence at the Democratic convention that cost Kerry. While polls showed that many Americans believed the rhetoric espoused in Moore’s movie, Fahrenheit 911, his presence in former President Jimmy Carter’s box reminded people that they would rather Halliburton get rich off shady no-bid government contracts than stand in line to fill up their SUV’s or pay 22% interest rates on their home mortgages.

Osama bin Laden: Three days before the election, public enemy number one, Osama bin Laden, released a videotape in which he stated that it was his goal to draw the United States into an endless war that would bankrupt the nation. In a bold act of defiance, voters reelected a man they felt would not only ratchet up the war on terror in his second term, but would cut taxes to boot. Take that Osama!

Democracy: As Jon Stewart recently pointed out: “In looking back on things now, perhaps we made too much of that ‘Let’s count every vote’ thing. We tried that this time. It didn’t work.”

November 18, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 47 © 2004 Metro Pulse