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Or how we learned to stop worrying and love Homeland Security

Judging from the new security gauntlet—purportedly prescribed by Dr. Porkbarrel of the Department of Homeland Security—at the City County Building, it is apparent that Knoxville is a high priority terrorist target. How else can you explain the daunting battery of police officers and security detection devices that have recently been deployed to protect our local officials from Osama bin Laden and his minions?

Indeed, the security equipment is so impressive and the officers’ demeanor so stern that it is impossible to come to any other conclusion but that our fair city is in great peril. It is fortunate, however, that Dr. Porkbarrel has deemed it necessary to keep secret the details about the nature of the specific threat that has so obviously been leveled against us. Understanding full well that the knowledge of such a threat would cause the general public to go into lock-down mode—a quick trip to empty the shelves at Wal-Mart before hibernating the winter away in front of the Fox News news-ticker and Jerry Springer reruns—he has wisely determined to withhold this information from us. We at Metro Pulse want to take this opportunity to thank Dr. Porkbarrel for his keen wisdom and strident efforts on our behalf.

In the interest of full disclosure, we must admit that we were more than a bit slow to recognize the importance of these security measures. In fact, you might even say that we have been somewhat skeptical of them. But that is no more, for we have seen the error of our ways. You see, as an alternative newspaper, we are prone to being irreverent—even, at times, a tad cynical. But Dr. Porkbarrel has, at long last, made us realize that our iconoclastic nature can sometimes get the best of us, working counter to our own health and well being.

For instance, in the very recent past we might have criticized the security crack-down at the City County Building as being a colossal waste of money, and made some sarcastic quip about how surely Osama bin Laden had better things to do than to blow up the Harlequin romance readers behind the counter in the register of deeds office. Or we may have indulged in some conspiracy theory that the whole thing was designed to keep our local officials from being pestered by those pesky members of the general public for whom they ostensibly work. And we may have even leveled accusations of an anti-public transportation prejudice by pointing out to our readers that the security measures were enacted virtually simultaneously with the move of the Knoxville Area Transit’s transfer station to the sidewalk in front of the City County Building. But we won’t do that now because Dr. Porkbarrel has convinced us that our government is simply looking out for our safety and security. Why? Because, like our moms and dads used to say to us when we annoyed the hell out of them as children, Dr. Porkbarrel says so. And what is more, he says, if we don’t spend that money on something, we’ll lose it. Heaven forbid!

So the next time a police officer stationed at the security checkpoint just inside the City County Building tells a bus driver that he can’t use the restroom or chastises an attorney for not wearing his ID badge, we should all remember to thank Dr. Porkbarrel. When the officer confiscates our key chains and nail-clippers (which look suspiciously like weapons to him) and tells us that there is no recourse for recovering “contraband,” we should be grateful for Dr. Porkbarrel’s unwavering scrutiny. And when we get overzealously frisked and treated like common criminals for forgetting to empty all the change out of our pockets, we should not be offended. Instead, we should turn to the frisky officer and query politely: “Thank you, Dr. Porkbarrel. May I have another please?”

For our own good, we must swallow our pride and indignation. We must refrain from muttering nonsense about police states and civil rights abuses. We must not tell Dr. Porkbarrel that we refuse to swallow his Homeland Security sausages and, most importantly, we must resist the temptation to tell the local official who decided to spend Dr. Porkbarrel’s security funds in such a ridiculous manner that he is an idiot and that he should be run out of town forthwith for perpetrating this foolishness on the citizens of Knox County.

Of course, one might ask Dr. Porkbarrel why Knox County receives so much in the way of Homeland Security funds in the first place when baggage in the cargo holds of our major airliners remains unchecked for explosives. But then one might also ask him why the state of Wyoming receives more per capita Homeland Security dollars than New York City. But Dr. Porkbarrel knows that that is precisely what the terrorists want. He understands that they want us to be caught off guard, to be looking the other way when they crash their explosives-packed van right through the front doors of our very own City County Building.

Now, however, thanks to Dr. Porkbarrel, the terrorists are sure to be met by a squad of police officers admonishing them to slow down, empty their pockets, and proceed quietly through the security detection devices.

Wa-Hoo!

October 7, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 41 © 2004 Metro Pulse