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Anonymity is the lack of accountability

by Tony Basilio

If this talk-radio-hosting gig doesn’t work out for me, I’ve got a line on a new occupation. Two weeks into football season, I’ve had an epiphany, realizing that my real home may be on the other side of the phone line. I’m leaning toward becoming a full-time talk-radio-show caller.

I don’t want to be just any caller; I want to be Small Mike. Mike, if that’s even his real first name, is a professional talk show caller. As best I can tell, it’s how he makes his living.

Perhaps you’ve heard of him by one of his other handles. He also goes by King Jim, Ogre, Tennessee Mike, KJ and Not Peachy, just to name a few. He never uses his real name. That’s part of the allure—hit and run, under the cover of anonymity. And the best part? He gets to enjoy a twisted celebrity status among his unemployed pot-smoking friends while he sits on his butt at home (probably his parents’ house), spewing drivel and criticizing people who actually contribute to society.

I found him amusing, at first, but the charm wore off quickly. Unfortunately, like so many talk-show callers who fall in love with the sound of their own voices, Small Mike has come to believe that it is he who legitimizes the radio programs he calls, and that they would be reduced immeasurably by his absence. Don’t get me wrong; there are plenty of regular callers whom I enjoy talking to, even after all these years. It’s just that Small Mike doesn’t happen to be one of them.

On a given day, SM can be heard on as many as seven call-in shows around the Southeast. He usually begins his morning with a few calls to the local political shows; bellyaching, name-calling, and spewing venom. Then he checks in with Gainesville, Fla., where he stirs it up with Steve Russell of WRUF Radio. Then it’s a call or two to Nashville sports radio shows. Then he assails Paul Finebaum in Birmingham, two local Knoxville shows and perhaps another in Memphis or points west.

It’s hard to outrun the long arm of Small Mike. Once I was driving through Southwestern Virginia, listening to nationally syndicated muckraker Matt Drudge. It was a refreshing long drive, far away from work and problems. That is, until the all-too-familiar voice of “Mike in Tennessee” grated over the speakers; I almost ran off the road! Talk about ruining a peaceful drive.

Another perk of SM’s faceless celebrity is his lack of accountability. Because he’s an unknown talk-show caller, Small Mike never has to admit he’s wrong. This is the same guy who for the past eight months roundly criticized the UT coaching staff for failing to recruit a top-flight quarterback. He’s even gone so far as to suggest that Fulmer should be terminated for presiding over a sliding program. Would that we could terminate Small Mike, but it’s hard to fire someone who doesn’t have a job.

So last Saturday, Geoff Brock, one of the hosts of Calhoun’s Saturday Conversation, tried to get Small Mike to admit that he was wrong about Tennessee’s two young quarterbacks. After Tennessee’s season-opening performance, anyone with any gray matter and a shred of decency would admit the error of his ways and move on. Not Small Mike. His reply? “We’ll see how they do against real competition... I still think Brian Brohm at Louisville looks like the guy we needed.”

This is the same guy who said he would rather have Jim Bob Cooter at QB and suffer through an 0-11 season than have C.J. Leak at the helm of Tennessee’s offense, because Leak is a “Florida Traitor”; the same guy who says he doesn’t recognize the Lady Vols because they play “fake basketball.” Small Mike is the same guy who refuses to acknowledge UT’s former all-time leading rusher James “Little Man” Stewart because, “He’s a fumbler and an Alabama choker.” Mike once attended a parade in Stewart’s honor in his native Morristown, and claims to have shouted “Fumble Man” at Stewart whenever he passed the caravan.

But just like the coaches and athletes he castigates, Mike had best pay attention to his game. Because I’m gonna be the next hotshot new kid out there in caller-land. I’ve been watching Mike, analyzing his style and his strategy, memorizing his tendencies. One false move and I’ll be in there, past his guard, filling all seven of his daily call-in slots. To those who see this column as mean-spirited, please understand that it’s a necessary exercise; the life of the unknown caller is not for the faint of heart.

Tune in and talk sports with Tony Basilio weekdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. on ESPN Radio WVLZ 1180 AM.

September 16, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 38 © 2004 Metro Pulse