An interview with Pulpy, the Big Orange

by Scott McNutt

Announcer: We’re here at the SEC Mascot Media Days, teleconferencing with the University of Tennessee Volunteers’ backup mascot, Pulpy, the Big Orange! Pulpy, we know you wanted to be here with the rest of the SEC mascots. Can you explain the circumstances that forced you to stay away?

Pulpy: On advice of my counsel, I decline ta respond ta dat.

A: Is it true that you decided against attending because you might be served with a subpoena in connection with the main mascot, Smokey the Blue-Tick Hound’s mysterious hunting accident?

P: Look, this ain’t about wounded dogs, rogue lawyers, radical attorneys, wild charges, or smear campaigns! This ain’t about the NCAA, the SEC, or the players! This is about one, lone, embarrassed fruit fronting a program in danger of a three-peat humiliation at the Peach Bowl!

A: You mean, it’s about UT’s shortcomings on the field?

P: No, I mean it’s all about me! I’m Pulpy, damn it! Idol o’ millions! Mascot to th’ stars!

A: Well, nonetheless, how does it feel, taking the place of such a revered icon as Smokey in such distressing conditions as these?

P: Like th’ bottom of a three-day-old screwdriver somebody put a cigar out in.

A: Does that mean you feel bad representing UT under these circumstances?

P: No, it means I picked up th’ wrong @#&$^%!• glass. Where’s my #+%! screwdriver? And get me another stogie!

A: You’re drinking a...screwdriver?

P: Yeah. What’s it to ya? Hey, you think Jacksonville’s got sumpin with “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”? Pulpy’s gonna put Knoxville onna map with “The World’s Biggest Orange Screwdriver!”

A: Uh, I just meant, isn’t your drinking orange juice a little like...cannibalism?

P: This is big-time college football! We always eat our own kind! Just ask ol’ Vandy’s Commode-door or South Carolina’s Pecking Hen there. Or ask all o’ them teed-off fans o’ th’ red pachyderm. There’s always losers an’ there’s always blamers. Besides, th’ vitamin C’s good fer my kidneys. Heh. Hic.

A: Getting back to Smokey: What is your relationship with the hound dog?

P: There’s no relationship. Everything’s bein’ handled through th’ mouthpieces. All that damn blue ticker ever brought to th’ game was fleas, anyway. Twenty years I been waitin’ fer my chance. You ain’t blowin’ it fer me now. Change the #!#&^%&!! subject.

A: What’s your prediction for the season?

P: Already tolja. Free-peat in the Peach Bowl. Me ‘n’ Fuzzy, the Peach Bowl mascot, we’re gettin’ ta be good friends. She ‘n’ me, we’re gonna cause some pulp friction. Hey kid! Gimme ‘nother! Don’t be so stingy wit’ th’ hooch this time. I’m Pulpy, the Big Orange, damn it!

A: So, like other observers, you see a program mired in mediocrity?

P: Hic. Ain’t that what I just said?

A: In your opinion, what is the source of UT’s problems?

P: Damn N-Cee double-A relug..., regl..., rules, forcin’ coaches to be too tough onna players.

A: Too tough?

P: Auditionin’ to be a parrot? Hic. Yeah, too tough. Take th’ penalty on th’ banker’s boy, fer instance.

A: Do you mean James Banks, who was suspended for the first half of the 2004 Peach Bowl for unspecified violations of team rules, and who is now suspended for the first three games of the season after his arrest for public intoxication?

P: I see ya know th’ kid. He’s got talent comin’ out th’ kalamazoo. And Fool-ma’s gonna sit him down fer three games?

A: Some commentators thought he should have been kicked off the team...

P: Fer drinkin’? Whut kinda message we sendin’? Hic, hic.

A: That this sort of behavior won’t be tolerated?

P: Wh-wut sorta -hic- behaver we talkin’ ‘bout?

A: Drinking?

P: Shurrr. Waddle ya have?

A: Pulpy? Pulpy, are you-

P: I yam...

A: Yes?

P: Wad I yam.

A: OK, it seems like Pulpy’s connection is fading...

P: Con-x-shuns? I don’t need no stinkin’ con-x-shuns. I’m Pulpy, the Big Orange!

A: Sorry folks, we seem to be losing Pulpy’s signal.

P: Top o’ the world, ma!

A: Yes, he’s broken up completely. We return you now to the SEC Media Mascot Days, already in progress.

September 9, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 37 © 2004 Metro Pulse