Comment on this story What: Bonnaroo When: June 10-13 Where: Manchester, Tenn. Cost: $164.50 plus service charges. For complete info, check out bonnaroo.com   Best things to bring • Sunglasses • Sunscreen • Bug repellent • Bottled water • Hand sanitizer • Toilet paper • Baby wipes • Flashlight • Hat • Back-up shoes • Poncho • Earplugs (for loud bands and loud campsite neighbors) • Snacks • Notebook (for jotting down set lists, names and emails of new friends, directions back to your tent) • Small personal camera (anything more “professional” will be confiscated.) • Small first-aid kit with Band-Aids, Tylenol, prescription meds, Benadryl, Pepto

How to enjoy three days of music, sweat and insomnia

Compiled by Nick Corrigan, Molly Kincaid, Ellen Mallernee and Paige M. Travis.

Bonnaroo, to the uninitiated or those who couldn’t give a flying rat’s behind about such things, is possibly the biggest music festival in the United States. Most likely, it’s just the biggest music festival below the Mason-Dixon line and east of the Mississippi. But, at three days long and an audience of more than 100,000 people, it’s bigger than Lollapalooza has been in years. And it’s definitely cooler than that lame Woodstock ’94.

What’s particularly cool about Bonnaroo is how close it is to Knoxville. Local music lovers who like to infuse their live concert experiences with the occasional (or in some extreme cases, summer-long) outdoor festivals can bitch a blue streak about how far they have to drive to get to an event that’s worth hauling out the camping gear.

But Bonnaroo, held on a 600-acre farm in Manchester, Tenn., is within a couple hours of K-town, which makes it charmingly accessible. But, even if you can swing the pricey ticket, the question remains: do you have the mental and physical stamina to meet the variety of challenges Bonnaroo will throw at you? We surveyed some veterans of Bonnaroos I and II for this Survivors’ Guide. They’ve lived Bonnaroo to its fullest extent—drunk the potable water, squatted in stinky port-a-potties, chased rock stars from stage to stage. Let their wisdom guide you. Or you can stay home and continue to wonder what the hell everybody’s raving about.

How do I avoid getting stuck in traffic on the way to the festival?

Remember being in the huge line of traffic on the way to Disneyworld? And then standing in line to ride Space Mountain? Traffic is a necessary evil when it comes to anything worth going to. Trying to arrive early on Thursday helps avoid the crowd that leaves right after work on Thursday or first thing Friday morning. But even with the improvements to make the festival site more accessible from the interstate, chances are good you’ll go bumper-to-bumper at some point. If you’re carpooling or caravaning with friends, this is where the party starts. Take a Frisbee or Koosh ball to toss back and forth on the side of the road. Seriously, you could be stopped for hours. Some pros advise sticking to the interstate and following everyone else. Others say you can save time by following anyone who breaks line and forges a path toward a back road and less populated entrance. Either way, you’ll all end up in the same place.

What should I wear at Bonnaroo?

That depends on how big a freak you are or want to be for three days. It’s going to be hot. For girls, a bikini top and a hippie skirt makes for a cool, skimpy uniform, with tanks and lightweight shorts preferred by the more demure. Some people just wear paint. But for maximum comfort UV protection, you’ll want to choose light-colored clothing in natural fabrics. As always, T-shirts bearing the logos of your favorite band prove exactly how devoted a fan you are. Shoes should be comfortable (you’ll probably walk more in three days at Bonnaroo than you normally would in three months) and fairly disposable. Nice shoes will get stolen, peed on or lodged in an especially stubborn bed of mud. The most important thing to wear at Bonnaroo is sunscreen, SPF 15 or higher. Sunglasses and hats run a close second.

How do I make my campsite most agreeable?

Because of the extreme heat Middle Tennessee can deliver in June, keeping cool (and bug-free) when you’re trying to sleep is a major concern. A new feature at this year’s festival is a camping-only, no-cars-allowed area. The other area is for traditional car camping, where you pitch your tent next to or in front of your vehicle. The acres of farmland don’t offer much natural shade, so your campsite will be improved by a tarp, tent or awning that blocks the unrelenting sun. Most tents get really hot inside and aren’t pleasant to hang out in. The same goes for cars. And if it rains, you don’t want your stuff to get wet, so plan accordingly by either keeping your clothes in the car or making sure your tent is waterproof.

How do I choose between My Morning Jacket and Robert Earl Keen? They’re both awesome!

Before you even pack your car, get used to the idea that—barring any freak changes in the space/time continuum—you can’t possibly see every band at Bonnaroo. So prioritize your choices or plan to roam around catching parts of several sets, especially if you have the attention span of a gnat. Bonnaroo’s six stages are easily within 10 minutes of each other, which means you can catch the first 20 minutes of Neko Case’s set in This Tent and still be in position to see Jeff Tweedy take the What Stage.

What in the hell is with those stage names?

The names of the six stages—What Stage, Which Stage, This Tent, That Tent, Other Tent and Another Tent—are designed to mess with your already addled mind. Don’t let them win! Get together with your party and number the stages. Otherwise, figuring out which stage Primus is playing could easily turn into an Abbott and Costello routine.

How do I avoid getting an unwanted contact high?

First, get a grip on your square self. It’s true that most drugs worth having are still illegal, but our increasingly permissive youth culture has stretched the limits of what’s acceptable in public. A lot of your neighbors will be on a recreational chemical vacation, so be cool and have an open mind if you’re not partaking. If the smoke gets in your eyes, move away from the offenders. Or kindly ask them to puff elsewhere. And, hey, if you’re not comfortable around rampant drug use, what in Timothy Leary’s name are you doing at a three-day music festival? If you decide to imbibe, be reasonable. You don’t want to pass out in a grassy patch along Shakedown Street and end up missing Bob Dylan.

My drug of choice is caffeine. Where can I get a good cup of coffee at Bonnaroo?

If you bring a little campstove, you can perk your own every morning. For an easier fix, scope out some of the cushier campsites or, if you’re close, RV village. They’re bound to have coffee (and maybe even pastries!). Most vendors in Centeroo serve breakfast before noon and can offer you a cup of organic or free-trade joe.

How do I stay clean at Bonnaroo?

Yeah, right. Embrace your inner hippie (or hobo) and take a break from institutional cleanliness, cuz they ain’t no showers on site. The “wash stations” are makeshift faucets strung over a patch of ground, which is oozing with mud. But, hey, a splash of water is better than none. If you move fast and carefully, duck your head under the stream of water for a quick shampoo. With a clean skull, the rest of your body might feel less grimy. As for your other 2,000 parts, those you don’t necessarily want to reveal to others, think baby wipes, my friend. At least you can rub off some of the funk.

Will the crowd inspire claustrophobia?

Our experts report that they’ve felt more like sardines at Blue Cats than Bonnaroo. Some stages are more popular than others, and if you want to be right up front to peer up Taj Mahal’s nostrils, you’ll probably go elbow-to-elbow with the front row crowd. But there’s breathing room (and probably some boogie room) for those who crave it.

Is dancing encouraged or will I be laughed at?

Nobody at Bonnaroo is too cool to dance. If the spirit calls, cut a rug, jitterbug, or flail your arms (just be careful of your neighbor). The late-night tents, featuring the more jammy, trippy bands, are total dance-fests.

How do I respectfully tell my tent-mate to get lost when I bring my new special friend back to the campsite?

Before you get too excited, remember that you’re not exactly in the Ozarks on a romantic camping getaway. Having sex in a tent is wildly overrated unless you’re a brazen exhibitionist. It’s too sweltering, and your neighbors’ tents are two feet away. Plus, you haven’t showered in days. However, if the Summer of Love bug bites, and you feel the need, be considerate and keep your moanin’ to a minimum. And if you listen hard enough, you can hear Dave singing “Crash” just for you.

How do I keep from gagging when I have to use a port-a-potty on Day 3?

There’s no getting around it, these shitcans get wretched. They do get cleaned out daily (our experts estimate it happens either at night during the major headliner or early in the morning), but any formula that combines the bodily excretions of 100,000 people plus 90-degree heat adds up to a holy stink. After a few days, you build up a degree of tolerance for this sort of lifestyle (out of necessity or apathy). Always carry a roll of toilet paper because you don’t want to run out inside that plastic potty. And hand sanitizer will make you feel so fresh and so clean.

What can I do with all the hemp jewelry I’ve bought?

Sell it for gas money. Wear it all at once and offer full-body scratching sessions to itchy, bug-bitten passersby. Eat it as a source of fiber (you’ll probably need some after three days of facing those portable johns).

What’s the name of the game?

Have fun. Reports indicate that a general happy feeling permeates the event. No one litters; no one fights. Everyone is smiling and beautiful. That girl in dreads swirling around with the refreshing water spritzer could become your new best friend. Go with the flow. Drink a lot of water. Chill out. You came to see and hear a lot of great bands. Open your ears and listen. We’re all in this together.

June 3, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 23 © 2004 Metro Pulse