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Think outside the big, empty box

by Scott McNutt

Dear Mayor Haslam: I recently read how you called upon all Knoxvillians to “be salespeople for the convention center.” I also see that you attended the March 16 “State of Knoxville Tourism” presentation to support marketing the Knoxville White Elepha-, ah, Convention Center. Along with all taxpaying Knoxvillians, I applaud the unprecedented level of cooperation displayed at the meeting between you, County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, and Popeye the Sailorman.

I understand Popeye was invited as sort-of a motivational speaker, something to do with a giant hammer and the phrase “the state of tourism is strong”? What exactly did the sailorman do? Whenever someone uttered those words, did an enraged Popeye lay wood to a Knoxvillian’s noggin? Perhaps this was to remind taxpayers that the convention center debt is like a huge mallet, poised to crush them if they don’t start cramming warm bodies into the place?

OK, seriously, I know Popeye’s actual target was a test-your-strength toy of the sort found at the Tennessee Valley Fair, and his purpose in whacking it was to symbolize the strength of Knoxville’s tourism market. But let’s face it, the Knoxville White Elephant is snorkeling dollars out of taxpayer pockets faster than Popeye can slurp down a can of spinach. So you are in dire need of a way to dramatize that drastic measures must be taken. Popeye whacking a taxpayer would have been far more motivational than Popeye whacking a toy.

Yes, Mr. Mayor, using a hammer-wielding mercenary to strong-arm citizens into contributing to the convention center advertising blitz is unconventional. In this case, unconventional is exactly what you need. Because thinking outside the box—the ugly, empty, convention-center-sized box—may provide you the means to clean up the elephant-sized mess bequeathed to Knoxville by your predecessor.

Still, to inspire Knoxvillians’ cooperation, you must do more than terrorize them with the specter of massive, never-ending debt; appeals to their civic spirit won’t be sufficient either. How about offering a commission to any citizen who manages to lure an actual tourist to the convention center? And since marketing the downtown has long been bundled with supporting the convention center, those who have been patronizing and promoting downtown for years, like me, should receive commissions retroactively.

But don’t stop there! Offer taxpayers something of real value in return for helping to retire the white elephant. Start a Knoxville Convention Center Debt “Walk of Fame.” For each citizen who cons a tourist into spending bucks at the center, a brick bearing his or her name would be added to the walk. This will give every citizen a chance to feel like a part of the convention center. Admittedly, the sensation may be akin to being walked all over by conventioneers...

All right, forget that idea. It’s too conventional. Promotions, conventions, that’s what every other Tom, Dick, and Harrisburg, Pa., is doing with his convention center. We need to find you a moneymaking use for this alabaster pachyderm or shoot it and sell the ivory. Here are some ideas.

Follow the practice of the previous mayor and change its name to the Peyton Manning Center. With that name, at least there’s the possibility that the paychecks for Peyton’s new $98 million contract might mistakenly be sent here.

Give it to Raja Jubran as a surprise birthday present.

Once games of chance are legal again in Tennessee, hold mammoth bingo games in the convention center. As top prize, award the deed to the building.

Put the former mayor and all the former City Council members who voted for the center in charge of promoting it. Motivate them by paying a percentage of its annual debt service out of their pensions. Tell them their retirement funds will be reimbursed once they’ve ensured an annual cash flow sufficient to cover the center’s debt.

I think the best idea, though, comes from folks, like your predecessor, who insist that all Knoxville’s convention center problems would be solved by building a new convention center hotel. Shucks, if a hotel is all that’s needed, why not convert the convention center into a hotel? Those who want a hotel get one, those who don’t want the convention center get rid of it, and nobody gets whacked by Popeye. What more could we ask?

I know, I know, you could ask not to be saddled with this headache at all. Hey, you wanted to be mayor.

Good luck.

April 1, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 14 © 2004 Metro Pulse