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West Knoxingtonville
We’re talking Downtown. You know what we mean. Downtown isn’t just a place; it’s a feeling, a style, an attitude. You can be downtown even in West Knoxingtonville. It’s a new kind of downtown—a downtown that’s convenient to where you live.
Our downtown is located where they should have put it in the first place: in the suburbs. And closer to the airport. We feel West Knoxingtonville has all the things any great downtown has—and less! Less traffic, less poverty, less blight, and much less anxiety about unpredictable people.
Stroll West Knoxingtonville’s traditional business district, Straight Street, and you’ll see that this is a downtown for everybody, both whites and tanned Americans. And West Knoxingtonville represents a diverse array of faiths, from Baptist to Episcopalian. Just stop and listen to our street preacher, who performs daily on the corner of Northshore and Straight Street; at posted times, he offers his quaint sermons to suit your denomination.
Do the beggars in that other downtown give you the willies? Well, we think you’ll like our beggars. In West Knoxingtonville, the street people give you money—because you deserve it! Just show them your West Knoxingtonville membership card, and they’ll give you tokens redeemable for massages, cappuccino, or DVD rentals.
Skyscrapers are a wonderful accent to any downtown, but planners of West Knoxingtonville discovered that large buildings can cause expensive parking problems, especially when they’re actually occupied with office workers. So, we’re erecting modern skyscrapers without mundane office considerations, with an eye more toward visual impact. Each of our artfully arranged skyscrapers will be occupied on the ground floor by a recognizable chain restaurant. The upper floors will be rigged with lighting for special occasions.
Mission Harbour
A modern humanitarian shelter reserved for disadvantaged West Knoxvillians, especially the Second Homeless. Many of these unfortunates know the wonders of a modern mansion only through stories told by their kids who attend West Knoxville slumber parties. Here the Second Homeless can sample the wonders most of us take for granted: the Jacuzzis, the tennis courts, the plasma TVs. Staffed by friendly real-estate agents in colorful jackets.
Plasma Donation Center
Here you can donate your old, early 21st-century plasma TVs for credit on new ones. Our volunteers clean them up and donate them to the Second Homeless.
Parkington Garage
All one level, suburban-style, without the ramps and upper levels so confusing in old-fashioned downtowns. Think of it as a carport, supersized. Parking is free for West Knoxingtonville members. Accessible by magnetic card.
The County County Building
The County County Building comprises a variety of public facilities. Courtington House is an upscale makeover of the unwieldy old “courthouse” concept. Stop by to get married or divorced—it doesn’t matter to us!—and maybe pick up your vanity plates or contest your DUI arrest on the way. File a lawsuit or two while you’re here. And at the Food Court, “judge” our Buffalo wings, wraps and fresh latte! The Suburban Planning Commission meets at the County County Building to approve all development projects, as well as West Knoxingtonville’s Board of Directors. But that’s not your concern. These are good fellows! They make good decisions! Trust them.
Pellissippi Stadium
The only stadium in Knox County where all the seats are skybox seats. On days when there aren’t soccer games (and you West Knoxingtonvillians know there aren’t many of those!) you can watch a giant-screen TV that will show Vols games of the present and past.
Britington Commons
A perfect towne square, maintained in the Old English tradition by ChemLawn (better keep the kids off that grass!).
The RASH/Courtwest Athletic Clubbe:
Play some tennis, watch some TV, burn some calories on our high-tech effort-inducing machines. For convenience, moving sidewalks convey customers from their cars to the treadmills.
Conventional Center
Its fluorescent-lit exhibit hall is equipped to host a variety of conventions, from gun shows to knife shows; from car shows to truck shows. You can bet it’ll give that downtown convention center a run for its money!
Lofts
Lofts in restored convenience stores. Kids these days. A lot of them leave our big comfortable modern homes and where do they want to live? Some old place where they can be “artsy.” What are you going to do? Well, keep them where you can keep an eye on them, at this authentically remodeled 7-Eleven, which dates from the early 1980s.
Warehouse District
Taking a clue from attractive modern developments at Knoxville Center and Pigeon Forge, we’ve built all-new, pre-war brick warehouses; their design will convince you that they were once abandoned, but now renovated for use as charming, “offbeat” restaurants, where you can sample trendy cuisine from around the world.
• At your kids’ next birthday party, entertain the little apes at Yosemite Samurai’s Japanese Wild-West Steakhouse, where robot Grizzlies fling real Ginsu knives while singing Western favorites.
• At Rabbi Ribeye’s Kosher Shack, enjoy a Lender’s bagel and the rabbi’s own Cuban Reuben.
• Hindu Fondue: Combines the Indian-curry craze with that upscale suburban molten-cheese institution.
• Beau Thai: Can’t decide between buttery French cuisine and fresh Asian cuisine? You’ll never have to again. Try the Thai Coon, a spunky new variation on a classic Tennessee dish.
• Those who would prefer some good old-fashioned Tennessee cuisine might want to drop by the Lazy-Eyed Lizard: Catch your own fish from Fort Loudoun Lake, and then celebrate your accomplishment with some fresh catfish shipped in daily from Arkansas.
(Note: Honoring an old West Knoxingtonville tradition, all our recipes, even the Thai ones, are pre-screened to prevent unnecessary spiciness.)
While you’re “in town,” get your taxes done at Accountington Green, or do some day trading at WK’s own brokerage, Stocks R Us. Visit any of WK’s law firms, like Barrington, Carrington, Darrington & Farrington.
The Nightclubs at Rarrington Pointe
For that moody, untucked hipster in your McMansion, it’s the funky nightclub area you find in all great downtowns, with all the youngsters’ favorite suburban chain nightspots: O’Punk’s; TJ McTechno’s; the Hip Hoppe Shoppe; Metal’N’Stuff; Club Applebee’s; Goth Mini-Golf; the Grunge Gourmet Steak and Buffet; Rap Wraps; Tupacman Video Arcade; Slouchington’s Bistro. And right on Straight Street, the Carousel III, features non-transvestite floor shows to enjoy with your favorite heterosexual. For safety, the Nightclubs at Rarrington Pointe close every night at 10.
Historic Cowpasture
Actual preserved fencepost from another era reminds us that West Knoxingtonville is a place with a history. Admire the bronze statue of the first cow in Southeastern Concord, a Holstein whose name is believed to have been Ruth.
The TV Theatre
Do you enjoy going out to the movies, but hate missing your favorite reality shows? Like theaters but don’t always like to see movies you haven’t seen before? Don’t take chances. Just combine West Knoxingtonville’s two favorite pastimes: come to the theater and watch your favorite TV shows on the big screen. It’s plasma, of course!
The Olde Englishe Pub
Enjoy a fresh new West Knoxingtonville tradition, our trademark Stout Lite, in this brand-new pub with archaic quaintness literally oozing out of the AC. If you’re daring, try an Indiana Pale Ale or a Hey Porter. Don’t worry about putting on the pounds; this pub’s time-honored secret is that all its beers are Michelob Lite Ultras, in a variety of subtle Old-World shades.
Cell-phone booths
Placed conveniently all around West Knoxingtonville, they’re for those who need the convenience of a cell phone, but prefer to the privacy and old-fashioned charm of a phone booth. Coming soon: cell-phone booths with seats, windshields, and steering wheels evoking the comfort of your favorite cell-phoning environment.
Presbyterington Place
A spacious mall with gymnasium, espresso cafe, bookstore, gift shoppe (Salvation N Goodys), and a three-screen cinema showing only G and PG movies (with exceptions for Mel Gibson’s latest). You’ll never guess you’re at church!
UT, West!
For those who’d like to return to school for some higher education, but dread the parking. Maybe you don’t want to admit to your neighbors at the pool that you never quite finished the first time around; the lack of a bachelor’s degree can be as embarrassing as those stubborn tanlines. UT, West! has a different touch from those other UTs. At UT, West! we avoid the distressing, useless subjects, emphasizing business administration for the guys, home ec for the gals—with plenty of phys ed for everybody! And, most importantly to you, no bewhiskered liberal professors. At UT, West! that’s our promise. We’ll take the UT idea into the 21st century, serving your demands, today, with more weight rooms than classrooms.
Fort Sanders West
Not the hospital, the neighborhood. A neo-Victorian residential development with all the quaintness and charm of its namesake, but none of the troubling Islamic influence. A gated community.
SUV bus service
Support public transportation in the comfort of your own SUV. Just pull that monster onto these special SUV carriers, and ride in familiar comfort—without having to encounter the poor or handicapped, or overhear people speaking gibberish languages.
Home Federal Headquarters
Our home-town bank has bought into the West Knoxingtonville idea. Parking is convenient and free. And there are no dirty, embarrassing old buildings in the way of progress!
Newsstand
At the urban-style newsstand, buy our alternative weekly: for a “different” view you won’t find elsewhere. Published weekly by the News Sentinel.
No dog-poop ordinance
One of West Knoxingtonville’s great advantages over that other downtown is that, as in most West Knoxville neighborhoods, there’s no need to clean up after your dog. That’s why the young wags say West Knoxingtonville is great—for you to poop on!
Soon to be constructed
• The Old Factory, which is planned to be a vacant building.
• Old Marble Monument: the bones of an early governor, to be announced, will be interred here.
• The Historic Theater, where WK’s own orchestra, “Th’ Symphony,” will perform familiar hits.
April 1, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 14
© 2004 Metro Pulse
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