Metro Pulse/Snarls/Pox Americana

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Is America the new Roman Empire?

by Scott McNutt

While viewing the video Gladiator, I was reminded of Vice President Cheney’s remarks to the World Economic Forum on Jan. 24, 2004. In response to a long-winded question that boiled down to, “Do you consider the United States to be an empire?” Cheney wheezed out a long-winded history of America’s support for democracy, summing up with, “If we were an empire, we would currently preside over a much greater piece of the Earth’s surface than we do. That’s not the way we operate.” Except at the special Lincoln Bedroom toga parties where guests take turns placing the laurel wreath on Junior’s head, His Halliburtonus has a point. If the United States were a replica of the Roman Empire, it would indeed conquer lands and subjugate populaces, forcing olive oil and aqueduct concessions upon them. The United States may be a lot of things, but a sole-sourcer of drupaceous fruit and plumbing apparatus it’s not. Ergo, no empire, right? Hardly. Imperious Cheneycus’s answer fails on at least three counts.

First, while he chose to couch his reply in terms of America’s past behavior, the concern of the question was clearly with America’s future intentions under this dynasty...er, administration. He should have amended his response with “Note: Past performance is not a reliable indicator of future returns.”

Second, Enronicus Dick emphasized that, in the past, the United States had not aggrandized itself territorially at the expense of other nations. Circa 1776-1912, hundreds of Native American nations—remember the Iroquois, the Lakota, the Sioux, the Cherokee?—might have quibbled with this position. And while the United States may not have seized land from anyone recently, political empires maintain their control through a variety of means, not solely through territorial overlordship. Many empires, for instance, merely impose servile status on other countries, contenting themselves that those states conduct their affairs in accord with the empire’s wishes. If British P.M. Tony Blair could put himself in any more complete accord with Dubyacus Bush’s wishes, Honda would sell him as a midsized sedan.

Third, in taking a purely political definition of “empire,” Cheneycus is being disingenuous. And failing at it. “Empire” is commonly used to describe amalgamations of power other than political, such as commercial dominance. Given the $87 billion to rebuild Iraq’s infrastructure that’s being spread among firms like Cheneycus’s own Halliburton, it doesn’t take a genius to see that this administration wants a big, fat American fist thrust deep into the pocket of Iraqi commerce. Or maybe it does take a genius to see it. Because nobody in the Bush administration could be mistaken for a genius, and none of them seem to see it.

So the question remains, is America the new Roman Empire? The indications are certainly there. Whether Cheneycus admits it or not, the U.S. treatment of allies as vassals, its insistence on its right to make “pre-emptive strikes” at nations that it deems maybe, possibly, kinda, sorta threatening (a prerogative Imperial Romans would certainly have relished), and its contempt for international law all suggest imperial ambitions. Plus, with John Ellis “Jebicus” Bush already awaiting ascension to the Oval Office, America certainly seems to be in danger of succumbing to a succession of dynastic rulers. And just as Rome had a state religion, under Dubyacus Bush’s faith-based programs, Christianity is rapidly becoming this country’s de facto state religion.

But if Christianity is already our state religion, who will play the whipping boy to entertain the masses of the American Empire, a role enacted by lion-fodder Christians in the Roman Empire? We can’t have an empire without somebody getting devoured by savage beasts; it wouldn’t be proper. The whole crowds-roaring-with-delight-as-lions-maul-the-faithful thing is simply too big a part of the Roman Empire’s mystique to be filled in the American Empire by, say, an FCC investigation into Janet Jackson’s rather scrawny bosom. Perhaps gay couples seeking equality in marriage laws could fill the bill as sacrificial lambs, slaughtered—at least metaphorically—to provide spectacles for the bread & circuses crowd in our empire?

If the U.S.A. is the new Roman Empire, still more questions come to mind: Will paisley togas be “in” next year? Which emperor does the president most resemble, Nero or Caligula? Is the H&K SR-9 or the Sig/Sauer P220 the superior gladiatorial weapon? Does John Ashcroft look good in a breastplate? Is it proper etiquette at feasts to vomit before the host does? And will Russell Crowe or Ben Affleck play “Maximus” Bush in Pox Americana: The Movie?