Who loves ya, baby?
by Brian Conley
A couple of weeks ago, through means I am not at liberty to disclose, an email sent from a powerful Hollywood studio executive to Mel Gibson fell into my possession. It reads as follows:
“Dear Mr. Gibson,
“It is with regret that I must inform you that the studio is severing all of its business ties with you and your production company. The reason for this is simple: Your latest movie, The Passion of the Christ, has stirred up so much controversy that we believe your future—both as a director and as an A-list movie star—has been irreversibly compromised.
“While America is a free country and you were certainly within your rights to produce The Passion of the Christ—particularly since you financed the entire project—we believe that your judgment in pursuing such subject matter is unsound and that the movie itself is inconsistent with the type of entertainment we wish to provide the movie going public (i.e. American Wedding, Kill Bill Volume I, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre).
“While we understand that your movies have grossed several billion dollars worldwide, that you are a gifted actor equally adroit at playing maniacal police detectives or melancholy Danes, and that you deservedly received two Oscars for your magnificent work on Braveheart, The Passion of the Christ is simply too personal and profound a topic to have pursued. A man with your experience in this industry should have known that the violent depiction of Jesus’ death would be met with vigorous protest.
“Further, you should have understood that the world at large and, specifically the 18 to 45 year old demographic, does not share your radical Catholicism. In fact, they believe that your movie is an affront to all currently accepted principles of political correctness and, therefore, intend to boycott such blatant religious rhetoric. And I, for one, am in agreement with what one of my fellow studio execs recently told the Hollywood Reporter: ‘Mr. Gibson has branded himself as a religious zealot, and the public will no longer accept him as either a director or an actor.’
“Therefore, Mr. Gibson, I am sure you will see that your actions have left us no choice but to permanently revoke your studio privileges.”
Last week, the following message arrived from the same studio exec:
“Mel, baby:
“I never heard back from you about my previous email, pretty funny, huh? I even started to worry that you might have thought that I had been serious? But, nah. Not Mel Gibson, the notorious practical joker. Mel will get it. He’ll understand that I was just pulling his chain.
“Anyway, WOW! What numbers for The Passion of the Christ. Looks like you’ve got another blockbuster on your hands. But I never doubted that for a minute. And your financing the whole project? Brilliant! That $30 million is going to be the best investment you ever made. Move over Bill Gates! Hah!
“Hey, Mel. Seriously. We’ve been doing a lot of thinking. How about teaming up on another Bible pic? You know, modern special effects could do wonders for Noah’s Ark. Or, we could do that whole Cain and Abel thing? Brother murdering brother—good stuff, that. Or how ’bout a remake of The Ten Commandments? You know, I just cringe every time I see Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea. It’s so phony. We’ll get George Lucas and dazzle the hell out of ’em. And, oh yeah, I don’t think we’ll need to look too far to find someone to play Moses.
“Call me!”
March 11, 2004 • Vol. 14, No. 11
© 2004 Metro Pulse
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