Metro Pulse/Cover/Lessons in Love

Comment
on this story

Love the One You're With
The joy of self-servicing

If you've been left without love this Valentine's Day, then take the advice of that eminent poet/philosopher Stephen Stills, and love the one you're with. As long as the one you're with is you.

That's right: We're talking Divinyls-style let your fingers do the walking self gratification.

Yes, yes, you would never, ever, ever do that. We know you would never, ever, ever do that. We would never, ever, ever do that, either. But really, who's zooming whom?

The reality and the pleasure of self-love has been proclaimed in popular music by Britney Spears, Tweet, Prince, the Vapors, Jackson Browne, Cyndi Lauper, Billy Idol and Tori Amos, to name just a few singers who have sung its praises. The act has been depicted or acknowledged in mainstream entertainment like the TV shows Seinfeld, Ally McBeal, and Will and Grace, and big-time movies a la Sex, Lies, and Videotape and Pleasantville. Celebrities like Susie Bright, Claire Danes, Howard Stern, David Duchnovy and Jamie Lee Curtis have endorsed its benefits.

So, to paraphrase Weird Al Yankovic, if you've been left all alone at the filling station of love, learn to use the self-service pumps. Let go of that shame-mongering 20th-century mentality about self-love. Embrace and master the wonderful world of wanking. Organizations are standing by to help. Seriously.

Good Vibrations eagerly assists all and sundry in the pursuit of the Onanistic arts. Naturally, they have products, videos, advice columns and publications to help folks in all kinds of situations. And theirs is only one among thousands of on-line boutiques servicing this sector. But Good Vibrations has a special section devoted solely to self-lovin', which includes the Masturbation Hall of Fame and a selection of aides to help get you in the mood. They also have an on-line Antique Vibrator Museum. It's an instructive site, very hands-on.

But its most informative section may be the one on National Masturbation Month (in 2004 it's the merry month of May). Over the weekend of May 16-18 this year, Good Vibrations is sponsoring a Masturbate-A-Thon. This marathon is the opposite of a Seinfeldian contest, where the aim is to abstain in order to be named master of your domain. In the Masturbate-a-thon, the objective is to, ah, wax your bow solo as often as you can in order to raise money for a good cause. Pledge forms are available through the Good Vibrations site. Proceeds go to AIDS Health Project of the University of California, San Francisco.

If doing it for a good cause makes self-love easier to contemplate, you might want to check out the Masturbate for Peace web site. Their chances for spurring meaningful change may be slim, but you can admire their dedication. As their FAQ states:

Q. Do you really think that if people masturbate while thinking about peace it will affect anything? A. Hard to know, but of one thing we are sure. People are going to masturbate anyway, so while doing it, they might as well give a thought to peace...

The website also includes nifty downloadable songs with titles like "The 10 Days of Wanking." Hey, what harm can it do?

So if you've been abandoned and are feeling bereft and forlorn, make a date with yourself this Feb. 14. Put on some mood music, pick up that steamy romance novel, or plunk away at the computer keyboard. You hold the key to your own pleasure in the palm of your hand.

Or somewhere there 'bouts, anyway.

–Scott McNutt

When it comes to romance, variety is the spice to savor

Relationships are fascinating to observe. Just consider the predominance of love and dating themes within the reality TV genre. We are compelled to watch, analyze, criticize, envy and commiserate with the ups and downs of human interconnection. Stories of love—found, ruined, lost, rediscovered—are familiar enough to echo within that chamber that holds our own experiences. We laugh, we cringe, we understand. Dating is embarrassing; marriage is confounding. Relationships are complicated and confusing. But in there somewhere is also the opportunity for intellectual connection, emotional bonding, fun times and (this is a perk they only allude to on reality TV) great sex.

What countless episodes of Blind Date can prove (other than some people will do anything, and you desperately need to get out of the house more often) is that no two people attract or repel in exactly the same way. Like fingerprints and DNA, every case is different; each couple's particular combination of traits is completely unique, rare, and unrepeatable.

That truism can lead to two kinds of thinking. First, the philosophy common to rebound daters and other panicking singles: There's no one out there for me. Which, really, is just ridiculous. When it comes to clicking, it takes all kinds.

Then there's the preferred philosophy: Regardless of what's happened in your past, your possibilities for finding love are extensive, if not endless. Stories of great relationships give hope to those lacking one and serve as a reminder of the sheer variety of shapes and sizes of love.

Through the tales shared in this Valentine-themed issue, we see how some couples and singles in our midst celebrate the good times and coast through the bad—hear what they did to find love and what they swear never to do again. Just as we learn how to live from other people, so too do we learn about love.

—Paige M. Travis

Sarah Martin
Age: 26
Status: Single
Occupation: Sarah earned her undergraduate degree from UT, and a masters from Yale. She lived in New York City for a while and spent last summer teaching at Yale. Five months ago, she moved back to Knoxville, where she is currently "retired" until she decides to get a job in the fall or go back to school to become a dermatologist.

Her take on the local dating pool:
"I've kind of resigned myself to the fact—and not in a negative way—that Knoxville's small. I see the same people over and over. And I know it's not true, but I feel like I know everybody there is to know in my 10-year age/dating bracket. There has to be somebody I haven't met."

Best date ever:
"You mean besides just a guy paying for his half?"

One of the best dates ever:
The Ramp Festival in Cosby. "It's not like you have to spend a lot of money. You eat beans and have bad breath eating ramps, and you watch people clog all day, but it's nice.

Future perfect dates:
"I love Gatlinburg. Monster trucks? Cool. As long as it's a little bit different."

Had any recent dates?
Mostly with ex-boyfriends.

Why them?
"There's nothing else to do. I had a couple guys over Christmas say that they wanted to start dating again. I think they're just saying it. I don't think they meant it, you know? I think it just seemed like a good idea."

What kind of guy are you looking for?
Somebody who pays for himself and shows up on time. "There are some cool people in Knoxville, but I find that a lot of times guys don't want to try anything out of the ordinary."

Her dating motto:
"You've got to want it to win it, dude. Try harder."

Ideal man:
Someone with equal parts charisma and consideration and "a Bill Murray, Andre 3000 hybrid." Bonus points if he has a job.

Number of Friendsters:
48

Astrological history:
She's a Gemini fatally attracted to Libras and Capricorns.

How do you feel about being single:
"I'm totally fine with it. But I know that 90 percent of my friends from Knoxville are married with kids already. And I'm just not interested in doing that like that. I won't say I'll never get married, but, it's like that saying, it takes a really great guy to beat no guy at all."

Last serious boyfriend:
She dated a guy for two-and-a-half years before moving back to Knoxville. They split because he wanted to stay in New York and she didn't. They still talk, and she wonders sometimes if she made a mistake. "I wasn't ready to commit. That would be a whole different life. Sometimes when I'm here, I'm like, now why did I do that? I know I had my reasons. Where's that pro and con list?"

Any current prospects?
"There's a guy right now that I could be interested in, but he's too passive."

What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
Willie Nelson at Harrah's Casino.

How do you feel about V-day?
"Even if you have a date, it's usually not that great. Because you have expectations. It's so funny, because you should know from, like, middle school that it isn't going to be that great."

Dee Crumm and Debbie Word
Ages: Dee is 54 and Debbie is 50.
Status: Lesbian couple, dated on and off since 1995. They had a holy union ceremony June 22, 2000. (Debbie racks her brain to come up with the right date; Dee knows it right off and coaches her with a fond smile.)
Occupations: Dee is an ordained minister who founded and runs Positively Living, a day care center for adults with catastrophic illnesses; Debbie raises the three youngest of her adopted children and two grandchildren, ages 3 and 7 months.

Backgrounds:
Dee grew up in Chattanooga but has lived on and off in Knoxville most of her life before she went to Atlanta for seminary classes. Debbie, who is from Smyrna, Ga., was married to an attorney for 21 years. They had three biological children and adopted nine.

How they met:
Dee was on staff at Metropolitan Community Church in Atlanta in 1995 when Debbie walked in the front door for the first time.
Dee: "I was up front getting everything ready for church and saw her come in and went back and talked. I would do that with anybody, but she was...an added bonus."
Debbie: "I went to that particular church because I wanted to know that there were other gay people out there...I certainly wasn't looking to go into a relationship."
Dee: "She took her wedding rings off when she came in."
Debbie: "I was the only one in a dress too."

Who made the first move?
Debbie asked Dee out, but Dee had reservations.
Debbie: "She made me find out who I was. She's very much [a believer in] 'You have to know who you are to be in a relationship with anybody else.' She said, 'There will be no relationship until you're divorced. You have to have this stuff straightened out in your own head.'" The two of them hung out and got to know each other, but the relationship didn't have a physical element for another several years.
Dee: "But the chemistry was there, and the attraction."
Debbie: "Yes, the chemistry was always there. That was what was so amazing and to this day is so amazing to me." Debbie went into what she calls a "rebound relationship" with a jealous, controlling woman 16 years her junior. Dee had a holy union with someone, but it didn't work out.

Dee, did you ever advise Debbie during her relationship?
"No, I knew that I couldn't be objective in that situation. I was too closely and emotionally involved. And it wouldn't have been in my benefit. If she were going to leave that relationship she needed to leave because it wasn't right for her. And even after she left that relationship we dated and saw each other and it was a process. We didn't just jump in."

A lot of straight couples feel like marriage is just a piece of paper. So why would gay couples want to have marriages?
Dee: "I think there should be equality for benefits, for custody rights.... You end up being a parent figure in kids' lives and a very significant part of that life. Like right now, if anything happened to Debbie...[the teenagers] technically wouldn't have anyone, and I guess legally could end up going back in the system. I wouldn't allow that to happen. Plus, it's the affirmation of the relationship and the celebration with the community at large. My sisters get married and they'll have their engagement picture in the paper—not that those are the things that we would do, but. On the whole, just being affirmed for who you are and accepted for that. I agree with you that the marriage certificate is a bureaucratic thing, and there are advantages to not having that. We're in a relationship because we choose to be, not because we're legally bound to be. I think there's a lot the straight community could learn from the gay community in that regard."
Debbie: "I think a lot of times, in heterosexual and homosexual relationships, too much revolves around what Dee calls the warm fuzzies—that feeling you get when you first meet. I think that you have to make sure that's always there if you want that. It's not going to stay day-to-day if you don't respect that person and like who that person is and get to know who that person is."

Why did you have a commitment ceremony?
Debbie: "I think I did it more to affirm it for the children, to show that we were committed to this relationship."
Dee: "I thought it was just because you loved me so much."
Debbie: "Well, that was it, but you know what I'm saying. I wanted them to know that this was a commitment just like a marriage." Debbie's children were included in the ceremony.

How do you find time for each other?
Dee: "It's difficult with all the pressures, with teenagers and little kids, and doing house stuff. And my job has a lot of stress and pressure in it. We never have any time alone. It's really difficult to find time to just have quality time alone.... It's hard to nurture the relationship with each other."
Debbie: But I think what's important is...we can be going to Wal-Mart and we're holding hands in the car."
Dee: "I'll put my arm around her in the store. Or we'll hold hands walking through the mall."
Debbie: "It's not a conscious thing. It's just, 'Wow, we have time to do this.'"
Dee: "We just are who we are. We don't hide it. And we don't make an issue of it."
Debbie: "We should be crawling all over each other right now! There are no kids in here!"

Their key to everyday romance:
Dee and Debbie give each other cards frequently for no specific holiday or occasion. If Dee is going out of town, Debbie will slip a card into her suitcase. Dee will hide a card around the house. Recently, when they were freeing a Spongebob Squarepants toy from the toilet's inner workings, Dee discovered a card that had fallen behind the tank.

Do you do anything special for Valentine's Day?
Debbie: "We try. I've been trying to think of what we can do for Valentine's Day with no money and all these kids. We'll find time. We really will because it's important."

To what do you attribute the continuous bond?
Debbie: "That chemistry was always there. I just knew. There's nothing that will convince me that that first day we weren't meant to be together. The circumstances just weren't right, and things were just too crazy."
Dee: I have a lot of respect for relationships and commitment. And I think we have a healthier relationship. We don't have roles. Sometimes I do the laundry, sometimes she does the laundry. Sometimes I mop the floors, sometimes she does.
Debbie: We don't let her cook.
Dee: No!
Debbie: And that has nothing to do with gender.

Burt Holmes
Age: 69
Status: Divorced twice, engaged a third time
Occupation: Senior Enterprise Data Architect

Most unusual Valentine's Day gift:
"When I was married to my second wife, we used to hobnob around with three other couples. For Valentine's Day, we got a very large 'adult toy' and would pass it around. We did that for about three years."

What is your most memorable Valentine's Day?
"When I was in Vietnam in 1967, I was with my first wife, and I was stationed in the Philippines. We were only able to talk shortly on a small long distance phone. That was a good marriage."

Another memorable Valentine's Day:
"Four years ago, my then-fiancée spent Valentine's Day off Cabbage Key [Jimmy Buffet's lair] on my boat, and we drank champagne."

When's the last time you gave a valentine?
"My daughter is a young lady, and I send her a valentine every year. I don't send ex-wives or ex-fiancées valentines, but there's a soft spot in there for Valentine's Day."

Do you still appreciate the holiday?
"It's commercial, and, at my age, it's not so significant anymore. If I were able to change what Valentine's Day meant, I would have people be more caring and accepting of other people and cultures, and kids—especially kids. Some of that commercialism could be used to help children—a new approach to Valentine's Day."

What do you think of when you hear the word "Valentine?"
"Heart."

Cupid?
"Love."

Who is your ideal mate?
"Physically: tall, thin, blonde, reasonably mature lady. She has to have a great personality and be very smart and very aware of what's going on in the world. She has to be single and no kids—at my age I don't want any kids."

Are you looking for a special someone right now?
"I'm always looking for a special someone, but my special someone right now are the beautiful girls at the Preservation Pub."

If you could put a tiny message on a candy heart, what would it say?
"'Have a happy.' Take it however you want."

What are you doing on Valentine's Day?
"I'm going out to dinner with my friends at my favorite Italian restaurant."

Robert Nichols
Age: 44
Occupation: Attorney
Status: Divorced, single

Favorite love song:
"Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" by Kiki Dee and Elton John.

Do you date?
"I do from time to time. I think I'm taking a cue from my daughter, I'm going out in large groups these days."

How have dates responded when you say you're a divorce lawyer?
"Usually they know beforehand. A lot of them are divorced themselves, and they tell me about how their ex-husbands are kind of raking them over the coals. Sometimes it turns out that they are rehashing their battle scars."

How do you respond?
"Part of being an attorney is you listen. I'm darn good at that. You listen and be sympathetic, and the major thing is being sincere. I try to respond and be sympathetic. Being a divorced person myself and being the primary custodian of my daughter, I know it from that angle. Lots of men don't."

How does your work affect your attitude towards love and marriage?
"I'm an eternal optimist. I'd rather see people happy than waste their lives being miserable. I see that every day."

Do you believe in soul mates?
Yes. "I had mine, and one day she'll be back. I believe there's a person for everybody. Sometimes the timing's not right."

What about love at first sight?
Yes. It happened to him Nov. 14, 1993. "With your soul mate you could have love at first sight."

Actress that most resembles his perfect woman:
Reese Witherspoon. "She seems very approachable. She's from Tennessee, so she could probably understand me."

Amy and Michael Haynes
Ages: 43
Occupations: Amy is a captain in the U.S. Air Force who trains physician assistants. She's been selected for promotion to major. Michael is a freelance web designer.

Setting:
Downtown Grill and Brewery. Michael connects to Amy with his laptop, setting up an on-line video chat with her in San Antonio, where she lives. She has about a year and half to go before she retires. There's a slight delay in the picture on the screen. She's sitting at friend's house, where she's house-sitting. After a few minutes of chatting, Michael calls her on his cell phone.

How did you meet?
Michael: "We met in third grade in 4-H. We were in a spelling contest together. Our first date was a school field day in sixth grade."
Amy: "He was so sweet! It was hot out and he brought Coke in a thermos...and it was tense because we didn't want the Coke to get shaken up and the thermos to break. And then there was holding hands...and walking to the baseball field...and I THINK he kissed me on the cheek that day."
They dated in high school and after high school, until Amy joined the Air Force.

What caused you to separate?
Michael: "Twenty-five years ago, she said if I didn't marry her she was going to join the Air Force. I told her I hadn't known her long enough."
They remained friends for a while, but lost touch when both of them got married. They didn't talk for about 14 years.

Did you think about each other after you had lost contact?
Amy: "There's never been anyone else but Michael. When I tried a couple of other times it didn't work out, because they weren't Michael.... When I was 18, I went to a horse farm in South Carolina. I was away from my home, and I was so lonely. I called Michael one night. He said, 'Can you see the moon? Anytime you ever see the moon I'm looking at the same one, and we're together.' Every single time I looked at the moon, I thought about Michael."

How did you get back together?
In August 2002 Amy called Michael on a whim. "I just needed reassurance to know that Michael was still in my world."
Michael: "I came home one night and found a message on the phone. She told me it was Amy and wanted to know if I was 'still in her world.' I called her back at the number she left, and things took off pretty quickly from there. She came to town two months later, which was two months sooner than she had planned."
They were married on March 6, 2003, right before the start of the war in Iraq.

How do you deal with the long-distance marriage?
Michael: "It's not easy. The longest we've gone without seeing each other since we've been married has been six weeks. We usually see each other every three weeks." They talk at least twice a day, once in the morning, once at night. "Early on I used to email a lot more. I prefer to talk to her in person. We got on a phone plan where we have unlimited minutes."

What's the worst part of the distance?
Michael: "I can't touch her. I can see her, but I can't touch her."
Amy: "It's like a honeymoon every time we get together."
Are you worried how you'll adjust to living together once Amy retires?
Michael: "Not for a minute. If anything, I'm anxious for it. There's not been one minute that we've been together that wasn't better than being apart."
Amy: "I am so looking forward to finally getting to be a full-time wife. Worry? No, I prefer to think of it as an adventure! New challenges, new opportunities to explore, not only Michael but myself in relation to him and really, to a whole new culture. Remember I've been in the military for almost 24 years—more than half my life—and there are some pretty significant differences in the society I've been a part of and the society I am longing to join.
"See, I am so convinced that Michael and I should be together that there is little that can dampen my enthusiasm at this point. Ask me again after I've been back in Knoxville for a year!"