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Democratic presidential contenders try to broaden appeal

by Scott McNutt

From wire reports, Jan. 27— In an unprecedented demonstration of unity, the remaining Democratic candidates invited former candidates to participate in the upcoming South Carolina debate. Further, they agreed that all comments would be delivered in rap form.

For the debate, candidates also agreed to take rapper names. Most chose to use the abbreviated form of their party and state affiliations as their stage names. Thus, former candidate and Missouri Democrat Dick Gephardt will appear under the guise of D-Mo, and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry announced he would be known as Heavy D-Mass. North Carolina Senator John Edwards took the title Run DNC, and retired General Wesley Clark, an Arkansan, planned to be The Notorious D.A.R.K. Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich decided to poke fun at himself as Play-D' oh!, while Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman seemed well-intentioned but entirely hapless in agreeing to be known as D-CT. Vermont Gov. Howard Dean broke ranks with his fellow candidates, announcing that henceforth he would be known as Da Dean and that his new campaign slogan would be "Down wi' Da Dean."

Former candidate Carol Mosley Braun declined to attend, citing "too much self-respect" as the deciding factor. The Rev. Al Sharpton voiced the only other dissenting note, refusing to participate in the debate while charging that the entire process was a shameless attempt by white candidates to draw in more young, urban, minority voters. Commentators noted, however, that the other candidates had stipulated that gangsta rap not be allowed in the debate, a limitation which most observers agreed would inhibit Sharpton's attack-oriented debate style. Speculation was rampant that this was the real reason for Sharpton's refusal to participate.

Said Sharpton, "Those seven dwarves can dress themselves up in black face, but they're still Snow White." Several of the other candidates accused the reverend of playing "the race card."

In an apparent attempt to display his rapping prowess early, one-time frontrunner Howard Dean said of the debate format, "We'll show Democrats are cool/Bush is a weasel." A spokesperson for the Dean campaign later explained that Gov. Dean was speaking off the cuff, and, never having had any minorities in his cabinet during his 12 years as governor, could not be expected to rap extemporaneously.

From wire reports, Jan. 29—The Democratic presidential candidates mostly rehashed familiar themes, trading sharp words and loose rhymes in the South Carolina Rapperbate, as some media wags have dubbed it.

Despite the facade of cooperation, infighting between candidates was featured. Play-D'oh! and Da Dean exchanged the harshest criticisms, with D'oh! exclaiming "Dean say 'balance tha budget'/ but he know he goin'to fudge it/'cause the Pentagon, he won't touch it/ You be the judge-a," and Dean retorting, "Relax ya, payroll taxes, they get the axes/Don't come 'round axin'/clueless what the facts is."

Critics said that while his response was effective, Da Dean nonetheless lost points for stealing Steve Miller's infamous "facts is" rhyme from "Take the Money and Run."

In a stinging indictment of President Bush's Iraq policy, The Notorious D.A.R.K. borrowed a theme from Play-D'oh!, riffing "Baathist thugs in suicide cars/cappin' our boyz like bugs in a jar/Dubya's so smug, so superstar/Maybe he'll find WMDs tucked on Mars."

Although observers agreed that D.A.R.K.'s rhyme scheme and beat were pitiably weak, none were willing to offer more than an embarrassed cough regarding D-CT's "I am da man/I got da plan/put Bush in da can."

Former candidate D-Mo tried to keep the candidates on message, reciting, "This ain't no confrontation/forget that moon base station/ain't talkin' 'bout Haitians or Croatians/Gotta have job creation/n' cut middle-class taxation." D-Mo did not offer to share details of his job-creation plan with the remaining candidates.

Run DNC mocked Bush's underfunded No Child Left Behind education program. To the tune of "Baby Got Back," he performed "Babies Left Back": So, babies! Yeah! Babies! Yeah!/ If you wanna role to the next grade-es, yeah!/Then make a sound! Stomp and shout!/Even rich boys gettin' left out/ Babies left back! Yeah! Babies left back! Yeah! Babies left back! Yeah!"

To close the debate on a gesture of solidarity, Heavy D-Mass called on his fellow Demoraps to join him in modified version of Janet Jackson's "Nasty," which featured the refrain, "Hey!/ Who's that givin' taxy cuts?/Nasty Bush!/ Who's that in that nasty war?/ Nasty Bush!/ Who's that pumpin' that nasty crude?/Nasty Bush!/ Who's scamming with his nasty crew?/ Nasty Bush!/ Liberals, nasty Bush don't mean a thing."

Though unconfirmed, following the event it was rumored that the Democratic rivals had already begun preliminary talks to make the theme of the next debate alt.country.