Metro Pulse/Snarls/Just Say "Nyuk!"

Comment
on this story

Happy knucklehead, everybody

by Scott McNutt

Proverbs, chapter XVII, verse 22, tells us, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine." But is laughter really the best medicine? To test this hypothesis, I recommend breaking your closest friend's ankle and then laughing derisively at him. If the ankle heals, the theory is sound. If it doesn't, run away while he still has trouble walking.

But seriously, folks, in these crazy times, when actors become California governors seemingly more often than Billy Bob Thornton changes underwear, what we really need is for another wrestler to become governor of Minnesota. Or Barbra Streisand to run for president. In short, when life becomes appallingly ridiculous, we need to remember that it can always get worse.

Which is why I'm starting the campaign to "Just say 'Nyuk!' in 2004." Inspired by Nancy Reagan's 1984 "Just say 'no' to drugs" campaign, I predict "Just say 'Nyuk!' in 2004" will work every bit as well as Nancy's campaign did. Maybe better.

The idea is simplicity in itself: Every time you are presented with an unappetizing or absurd concept, just say "Nyuk!" Howard Dean for president? Just say "Nyuk!" Four more years of Bush? Just say "Nyuk!" Knoxville's Convention Center has no conventions? Nyuk! The Vols in the SEC championship? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Of course, I'm not so optimistic as to think the mere recital of "Nyuk!" or even "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!" will solve all our ills. For instance, our nation's record-breaking deficit probably requires more carefully considered treatment. For it, a "Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop" or two might help. An "Oh, wise guy, eh," for our gratuitously abrasive foreign policy wouldn't be a bad idea, either. Other classic Three Stooges' catchphrases may be useful as well.

Skeptics may ask, "What's in it for me?" To which I could say, "Nyuk!" But I won't, because it is a reasonable question. What's in the "Just say 'Nyuk!' in 2004" campaign for the average Joe or Josephine Citizen? In a word, solidarity; a sense of belonging to something larger than yourself. Who doesn't yearn for the chance to ride the tide of history, to be able, years from now, to look back on this pivotal moment and say, "I was there, I said 'nyuk.'" Well, possibly a lot of people don't. But I can't help that. All I can do is focus on the task at hand.

That task is getting people to just say nyuk. Let me repeat that, because I cannot stress it enough—this campaign is about people just saying nyuk, any which way they please. Go on, say it. Just say "nyuk." Now say "New York, nyuk." Now try "Nyuk that, nyuk off, nyuk you." Good.

But that is only the beginning. What's needed is more people saying nyuk, lots of people, hordes of people, millions upon millions of people, possibly more people than Madonna has open-mouth kissed, just saying nyuk. To achieve this, to say nyuk in the biggest way possible, I need your help. More importantly, I need your money. The "Just say 'Nyuk!' in 2004" campaign needs funding. It needs banners, buttons, bumper stickers, posters, T-shirts, caps, and pens; it needs a campaign headquarters and skywritten messages and its own web site; it needs photos shot, hands shook, and babies kissed. Nyuk in 2004 needs you.

It won't be easy. It's an uphill battle. But your help can make it happen. With donations from readers like you, the impossible can become possible. Yes, your generous cash contributions to the "Just say 'Nyuk!' in 2004" campaign will make it possible for me to have more money than I used to.

Please send your very large cash gift (no checks or money orders please, only bills, preferably big quantities of them in small denominations) to:

"Just say 'Nyuk!' in 2004"
c/o U. Knuckleheads
Somewhere under the Sunsphere
Downtown, Knoxville

Happy nyuk year, y'all.