Festive tips to raise your spirits
by Miss Behavior
Today on Meet the Pest, we're interviewing Miss Behavior, mistress of modern manners. For all the holiday etiquette questions you're afraid to ask to those you hold dear, Miss Behavior has the answers you're afraid to hear. Without further ado, let's leap into the interview:
Meet the Pest: Miss Behavior, as you probably know, mistletoe and holly are poisonous. Thus, despite being revered Christmas icons, these items are actually pests and should not be left about the home after Christmas. To prevent someone from inadvertently eating them, how should I safely dispose of these potentially lethal decorations?
Miss Behavior: Send them to the Department of Defense, care of Donald Rumsfeld.
MTP: I think Ann Coulter would accuse me of treason if I did that. Any other suggestions?
MB: Use them as fruitcake ingredients to get rid of unwanted leftover holiday guests.
MTP: What a wonderful recycling idea! What about my Christmas tree? How should I dispose of that pesky thing?
MB: Leftover Christmas trees should be eaten. As Euell Gibbons, former star of the "Pine Nuts" cereal commercials and author of Stalking the Blue-Eyed Scallop and Stalking the Wild Asparagus, was fond of reciting, many parts of pines, spruces, and firs are edible. The needles are a good source of vitamin C. However, they lack fructose.
MTP: What is fructose?
MB: An ingredient in fruitcakes.
MTP: Ah, the pesky fruitcake. What can you tell us about fruitcakes? How did fruitcakes originate?
MB: As a way to dispose of Thanksgiving leftovers.
MTP: How about Thanksgiving? How did it originate?
MB: From pilgrim children grateful that their mother pilgrim passed the leftovers on to someone else. They'd say, literally, "Mother Pilgrim, Thanks for giving those leftover fructoses to someone else."
MTP: Really?
MB: Yes.
MTP: In your opinion, then, does the United States have a fruitcake problem?
MB: Yes.
MTP: What can be done about this terrible affliction?
MB: President Bush should appoint a "fruitcake czar" and relax restraints on search and seizure laws in crimes involving fruitcakes.
MTP: What should be done with the surplus fruitcakes seized by authorities?
MB: Drop them on strategic targets in Iraq.
MTP: Say my friends the Smith-Joneses give me a homemade fruitcake as a Christmas gift. What should I do?
MB: Place them under surveillance, per Section 311.a1b of Law Code 11-20117, "Fruitcakes, distribution of, questionable," and report them to the controlling authorities.
MTP: What if there is no controlling authority?
MB: Send your condolences to Al Gore.
MTP: Has this line of questioning gotten too silly?
MB: Entirely. It's time for something completely different. You wouldn't happen to have a python in your pocket, would you?
MTP: I beg your pardon?
MB: Ba-dump! Never mind.
MTP: OK. During the holidays, our listeners are inundated with holiday advice columns. If our listeners can read only 10 columns, which 10 columns would you recommend?
MB: "Twelve Tips for Stuffing Rudolph," "Great Holiday Sex with Hollandaise Sauce," "Decadent New Ideas for Decorating His Tree," "This Ain't Yer Daddy's Cheese Log!" "This Ain't Yer Momma's Figgy Pudding!" "If He's Feeling Frosty, Lick His Candy Cane," "Six Secrets for a Humpy New Year," "What the Dickens? Three Wise Ways to Avoid Being Dickensless on Christmas," "Will You Be My Stocking Stuffer?" and "Putting the 'X' back in Xmas: Making the Bells on Bob's Tail Ring."
MTP: Those may be a little too risque for our audience.
MB: Christmas isn't just for kids anymore.
MTP: Uh-hum. Well. Speaking of stockings, do you have stocking suggestions for our listeners?
MB: I suggest a slug between the eyes from a small-caliber, snub-nosed revolver.
MTP: I beg your pardon?
MB: If your listeners are having trouble with stalking, I suggest the stalkee give the stalker a bullet between the eyes.
MTP: Christmas stockings. Stockings. Do you have any stocking-stuffer gift ideas?
MB: If those advice columns were too risque, my stocking stuffers would shock their stockings off.
MTP: OK, we're out of time. Miss Behavior, thank you for joining us on Meet the Pest.
MB: My pleasure. Spank you very much.
MTP: I beg your pardon?
MB: Please do.
MTP: What?
MB: Beg.
MTP: Excuse me?
MB: Never mind.
December 4, 2003 * Vol. 13, No. 49
© 2003 Metro Pulse
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