Poker and palaver with the rich and fraudulent
by Scott McNutt
We enter upon a smoked-filled parlor, in which a group of well-heeled "gentlemen" lounge in chairs surrounding a table littered with playing cards and poker chips.
"I enjoy these little soirees. Keeps me in touch with my inner 'common man,'" mused Kenneth Lay, the as-yet unindicted, disgraced former chairman of Enron.
Replied Jeffrey Skilling, disgraced former Enron CEO and Lay's cohort in unprosecuted crime, "You said it, Layman! After bilking Enron for billions of dollars, to be playing high-stakes poker with my own money...why, I'm scared I'll lose my shirt tonight! It really helps me sympathize with Enron's investors."
General laughter erupted around the table.
"Right on, Skilletface, but it's not like any of you will ever 'pay' for what you did," rejoined Harvey Pitt, disgraced former chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission.
"Shut up, Pittborg," growled Richard Scrushy, disgraced former CEO of HealthSouth. "You were so dumb, getting yourself forced out at the SEC. Because of Layoff and Skill-less here, Bush had to propose a new watchdog group, the Private Company Accounting Oversight Board. You were there, man! You could have rigged it! All you had to do was install someone sympathetic to us. But you 'forgot' to tell anyone that your choice for the job happened to be a guy involved with a company accused of fraud. So you were pushed out. If you hadn't screwed up, my scam never would have been investigated. You blew it for me."
"I blew it!" roared Pitt. "Listen Scrushbag, you got caught because you were so ostentatious. Your $2.7-billion luxury lifestyle blew it for you, you whiner."
Two chairs were flung back and bodies tensed with anger rose from them. But Gary Pilgrim, disgraced founder of investment firm Pilgrim Baxter & Associates, soothingly cooed, "Simmer down, fellas. So maybe you go to some minimum-security prison for a few years, Scrushypuss. Big deal. We all got to live the high life for a while...on other people's money. Let's just remember that fondly and play poker, OK? Whose deal is it?"
Scrushy resumed his seat. "Lasser's" he muttered, glumly.
As he dealt the cards, Lawrence Lasser, disgraced former CEO of mutual-funds giant Putnam Investments, said, "Ante up. Anyway, even without Pittstop, the SEC's playing along with us. Look at Pilgrim and me. We screwed over two of the largest mutual-fund companies around, but they'll probably still pay each of us about $30 mil. You know why? Because the government doesn't really care."
"Yes," added Pilgrim, "Pittborg's replacement at the SEC, 'Mild Bill' Donaldson, is keeping a lid on the mutual funds scandal. Did you read about his super-fast settlement with Putnam? Can you say 'slap on the wrist'?"
Pitt interjected, "Slap, hell. He played kissy-face with Lasser, didn't he, Lassie-boy? You should have heard Billy Galvin protest that!"
"Who's Galvin?" asked Scrushy.
"Massachusetts' Secretary of the Commonwealth. He's been working with the SEC to bust 'bad elements' in the mutual funds industry. When they didn't throw the book at Putnam, he was all, 'The SEC seems far more concerned about making nice with the industry than they are in protecting investors.' It was cute, really."
Lay chimed in, "You fixed your own bed, Scrushbum. But for anybody coming from the mutual funds thing? 'Mild Bill' Donaldson will turn a blind eye."
"Really," said Scrushy.
"Really," answered Lay. "In the Putnam settlement, didn't you hear about New York state Attorney General Eliot Spitzer howling things like, 'Every rock you turn over in this industry, you find vermin. The SEC has not turned over a pebble'? Oh sure, Dick Strong has already resigned over at Strong Mutual Funds, and other guys are under investigation at Bank of America, Janus, and Bank One. But most of them won't be indicted. They'll be allowed to resign and pop up elsewhere, still worth millions. Those rocks will remain unturned because 'Mild Bill' will drag his feet. I'll see your bet and raise you, Lassie."
"Too rich for my blood. I'm out," said Skilling.
"Me too," sighed Pitt, gazing into his cigar's smoke. Then, almost to himself, he said, "Speaking of bets, come campaign season, I'll bet Georgie retreads his 'Plan to Restore Accountability in Corporate America' speech from 2002." With mock seriousness, Pitt intoned, "'More scandals are hiding in corporate America. We must find and expose them now so we can begin rebuilding the confidence of our people and the momentum of our markets.' What a hoot."
Scrushy laughed, "Hah! I see you and raise you a repeat of Cheney's follow-up speech. Remember that, at the Commonwealth Club? 'Acts of fraud and theft are outside the norm in corporate America. But when those acts do occur...the wrongdoers must be held accountable.' Coming from Cheney, that's a hoot."
Lay said, "I won't debate who's hootier, Scrushbucket, but Sickly Dick won't be making speeches on the campaign trail. He'll be dropped from the ticket."
"How would you know?" retorted Scrushy.
"Inside information. Call."
"Ahem," interrupted Lasser, "somebody forgot to ante. The pot's a penny short."
November 20, 2003 * Vol. 13, No. 47
© 2003 Metro Pulse
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