Political points made too polite
by Scott McNutt
Autumn fast approaches, and rumors circulate of a mayoral contest underway in Knoxville. But I don't believe it; when I listen for campaign rhetoric, all I hear are crickets and cicadas. Surely, if Knoxville were electing a new mayor for the first time in 16 years, somebody besides the insects would be talking about it.
OK, I admit, I was pulling your collective leg just now. Like a person with gas, Knoxville is currently experiencing a mayoral campaign: the occasional noise and slight odor give it away. But Knoxville's too polite to say anything about it. And yet, whether from this candidate or that, the hot air wafting about our community smells remarkably consistent.
Whoever is running, they seem to be in favor of nice things, good things, like neighborhoods, business recruitment, public participation, downtown redevelopment, and smiling. And they are not in favor of bad things. For instance, I haven't heard a single utterance of support for human sacrifices.
"Bah," I say, "bah." "Polite" should have nothing to do with politics. Political candidates should take the kid gloves off and come out swinging. But these days, politicians are afraid of offending potential voters. Candidates, are you afraid? Then come here. Closer. Can you hear me? Good. Now, listen carefully: NOBODY IS PAYING ATTENTION.
How can you scare away voters if they don't even know you exist? Don't have classy courteousness, have the courage of your convictions! Make some noise! Rattle some closet-bound skeletons! Use some of that hot air to toot your horns! Be the class clown and attract attention to yourselves, dammit!
Where's the "you say 'toe-may-toe,' I say ''maters'" distinctions between personalities? Where's the tit-for-tat rhetoric and ratta-tat-tat potshots at platforms? Where's the grief-giving between opposing camps? Why aren't the candidates' supporters taunting each other with the most heinous of abuses? Why isn't one side condemning the other's candidate as an insubstantial, sugary snickerdoodle? Why isn't the other side retorting that its opponent is naught but a corny niblet?
In short (yeah, yeah, I know: "too late"), where's all the passion and conviction?
Time was in American politics, it wasn't a real campaign until noses had been bloodied, figuratively and literally. Remember reading in high school about the ferocious Lincoln-Douglas debates? Don't you remember how, as they campaigned from town to town, Douglas would always dismiss Lincoln as an overgrown weed, whom he would cut off at the knees come election day? Remember how Lincoln replied that someone must have already done that to his sawed-off stump of an opponent? Remember that this was how the term "stumpy for office" got started? Of course you don't remember, because I made it up. But that's not the point.
The point is, once upon a time in America, political campaigns were spectacles. They were epic battles for the honor of representing fellow citizens in a government for the beagles, by the steeple, and of the people. The candidates and the citizens were engaged in these battles, were passionate about these battles, because they cared who was to have the privilege of serving in office. Plus, they got to drink heavily, punch people in the nose, and clandestinely pee on the lawn of neighbors who favored an opposing candidate.
Now, some might argue that Knoxvillians are passionate about contests in which drunkenness, bloodied noses, and peed-upon lawns loom large; but I'm not talking about Big Orange football.
But if you must, you can mix sports and politics: If football so engrosses your attention that you are unfamiliar with your mayoral candidates, just choose one at random, then pretend the other candidate is UT's opposition for the week and loudly curse him or her. It's your civic duty.
And the same goes for the rest of you. If you can't bother to inform yourself of the issues and vote for something, then vote against something. That's what I do: I vote against the candidates who show the greatest potential to do the most harm, regardless of whether they claim to do it in the name of "public good" or "civic progress" or "Worsham Watkins."
So, c'mon, citizens of Knoxville! Your ancestors fought and died for the right to freely insult each other's candidates! Follow their lead! Show that you care who doesn't govern your city! Haul your pigskin paunch off the couch and boo a politician you don't like! Punch somebody in the nose! It's the American way!
You'll make Steve "Stumpy" Douglas and Abe "Chevy" Lincoln proud.
August 28, 2003 * Vol. 13, No. 35
© 2003 Metro Pulse
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