Living with homeland security
by Miss Behavior
In this time of heightened anxiety due to Operation Liberty Shield, heightened (and unconstitutional) Justice Department domestic surveillance under the PATRIOT Act, and heightened concerns about clashing security-alert colors, it's time once again to turn to Miss Behavior, Mistress of Modern Manners, for advice.
Dear Miss Behavior: I just know there are dirty towel-headed terrorists lurking everywhere in our homeland, and I want to help catch them. What do you suggest?
—Signed, I'm a Very Reasonable Person, Really
Dear Really: As you may know, suspected agents of terror were seen photographing Norris Dam in the wee hours a few weeks back. Why don't you arm yourself with a camera and stake out the dam in the wee hours of the morning? You could catch the nefarious rascals in the act. Law enforcement officials would be eternally grateful to you, I'm sure.
Dear Miss Behavior: Last week, some black-suited and masked DEA agents and police officers burst through my neighbor's door and shot him dead. They later realized they had the wrong address and issued an apology, which was nice. But given how often this has occurred in the so-called "War on Drugs" (some other victims of "wrong information": 75-year-old Rev. Accelyne Williams, in Boston; Ismael Mena, 45, in Denver; 11-year-old Alberto Sepulveda in Modesto, California; John Adams, 64, in Lebanon, Tennessee; Annie Rae Dixon, 84, in Tyler, Texas; Mario Paz, 64, in Compton, California; plus many, many more), I worry that the increased surveillance powers allowed to John Ashcroft's Justice Department under the PATRIOT act will only lead to more such "mistakes" in the "War on Terrorism." Do you think this is right?
—Signed, Drug Dealer Worried about the Constitution
Dear Drug: No, this isn't right. The agents and officers should have introduced themselves, to be polite, before shooting your neighbor dead.
Dear Miss Behavior: Charlie Daniels called anti-war celebrities a "bunch of pitiful, hypocritical, idiotic, spoiled mugwumps" and "some of the most disgusting examples of a waste of protoplasm I've ever had the displeasure to hear about." What do you think about that?
—Signed, Ha-Ha! That'll Show You, You No-Good Peacenik
Dear Ha-Ha: A sense of decorum restrains Miss Behavior from saying what she thinks of Charlie Daniels.
Dear Miss Behavior: I am very patriotic. I'm also very fashion-conscious. I want to make a patriotic fashion statement. How do I go about it?
—Signed, Doesn't Look Good in Army Fatigues
Dear Doesn't: What you want to do is coordinate your colors with the Homeland Security Alert System. Each time the security level changes, choose your outfits to reflect the new security color. Buy new shoes in that color. Have your cat wear little bows of the appropriate color. Repaint the interior and exterior of your house that shade of security. Buy a new car in that color. Not only will you be showing your true colors, you'll also be doing your part to reinsert your huge tax cut into our tired economy. The only drawback is that when we are at the orange security level—as we are now—Vol fans may mistake your home for Neyland Stadium.
Dear Miss Behavior: I've taken the advice of the Homeland Security Department and duct-taped my home's windows. I've also duct-taped my doors, my heating vents, my air-conditioning unit vents, my car windows, my car's exhaust pipe, my dog's doghouse door, and my bird-feeder's little opening. My question is, am I being excessive?
—Signed, Duct-Taped in the Closet
Dear Duct: No, you're not being excessive. In fact, you haven't done enough to protect yourself from lethal gases. What you need to do is tape up your mouth and nose, too, so you can't possibly breathe in any noxious fumes whatsoever. In taking this action, you'll also be making a patriotic and heroic contribution to the improvement of the human gene pool as a whole.
Dear Miss Behavior: An ordinance was recently passed by the Homeland Sanitation Department (AKA Knoxville City Council) that restricts my dog's freedom to poop where she wants. Do you agree that these assaults on our civil liberties have gone too far?
—Signed, Pissed about Poop Laws in Knoxville
Dear Poop: If a dog can't poop where it wants in America, the terrorists have already won.
March 27, 2003 * Vol. 13, No. 13
© 2003 Metro Pulse
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