Metro Pulse/Yikes!/Invasion Etiquette

Comment
on this story

or "Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet! I'm Hunting Tywwants!"

by Miss Behavior

(Editor's Note: Because of an overwhelming demand on our editorial staff's time, in desperation, once again, we turn to Miss Behavior, Mistress of Modern Manners, for a column.)

Dear Miss Behavior,
Don't you think the Bush administration's idea of a "pre-emptive" strike against a country that had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks of September 11 is a violation of international law and just plain wrong?
Signed, One of Those Anti-Amarikuhn Whacko Peaceniks.

Dear Peacenik,
Wrong, schmong! Who cares what's "wrong"? Miss Behavior says, boys will be boys and simply must play with their toys, whether the toys are pop guns or cruise missiles. So Miss Behavior is in favor of all-out, total warfare. In fact, since we know many, many other nations possess toys of mass destruction (as opposed to simply being suspected of having them, as in Iraq's case), and since the U.S. has enough toys of mass destruction to go around, Miss Behavior thinks we should declare war on all nations with toys of doom. North Korea, China, Pakistan, India, Russia, Great Britain (never forget, Russia was our big rival from 1945-90, and Britain was our big rival from 1776-1848, both far longer than Iraq has been)—all have the potential to turn rogue. So, go team, go! Bomb one for the Dippo!

Dear Miss Behavior,
Don't you think the Bush administration's promise to establish democracy in Iraq is hollow, given that the first Bush administration "liberated" Kuwait by restoring its monarchy, and since the U.S. depends on the goodwill of Saudi Arabia and other despotic middle eastern states?
Signed, Yet Another Whacko Peacenik.

Dear Whacko,
Who cares if it's hollow? As long as we're over there, we should impose our values on anybody who doesn't hold them. That goes for Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, and any other two-bit, unpronounceable, tin-pot oil kingdom that isn't as democratic as we want it to be.

Dear Miss Behavior,
Does the end justify the means?
Signed, Just Curious in Carolina.

Dear Curious: Yes.

Dear Miss Behavior,
What do you think about the U.N. inspections in Iraq?
Signed, A Believer in Fair Play.

Dear Believer,
Well for heaven's sakes, the inspections are just totally necessary! Even little league football requires equipment inspections. So both Iraq and the United States must undergo thorough inspections before anybody starts blowing up anybody. Otherwise, who's to say that somebody isn't cheating? And to get this out of the way before somebody else writes in about it—It's perfectly legitimate for the U.S. to have more troops, supplies, sophisticated equipment, planes, ships, tanks, guns, allies, and stuff in general than Iraq. It's what happens when a Division I-AA country goes up against the big boys from Conference USA.

Dear Miss Behavior,
Back when Afghanistan was the bad guy, we dropped yellow cluster bombs and yellow food packets on them, as the following CNN report from Oct. 30, 2001, illustrates: "The United States has begun broadcasting warnings...informing [Afghanis] how to tell the difference between unexploded cluster bomb units and...food parcels—both of which are yellow.
"The warning...comes amid reports of mounting civilian casualties as a result of the U.S.-led strikes on Afghanistan.
"Several aid groups...have expressed fears that unexploded bombs could be picked up or disturbed by civilians, especially children attracted to them by their bright coloring.... 'Please, please exercise caution when approaching unidentified yellow objects in areas that have recently been bombed' it goes on to say.
"The cluster bombs units...are metal, shaped like a soft drink can and packed with high explosive.
"The food aid packages, known as Humanitarian Daily Rations, are square and covered in yellow plastic."
Now, despite innocent little children getting blown into tiny, no-longer-living bits, the U.S. refused to stop using the cluster bombs in Afghanistan, so I figure we'll uses them in Iraq, too. So, my question is: Shouldn't we just not drop the Humanitarian Daily Rations, since confusion between them and cluster bombs can turn civilians into human daily rations?
Signed, Think of All the Starving Children in Africa.
P.S. What kind of silly name is "Humanitarian Daily Rations"?

Dear Think,
While Miss Behavior appreciates your concern, the solution is really a simple one: We label food in the U.S., so we merely extend this practice to Iraq. Label the Humanitarian Daily Rations "Pick this up if you do not support Saddam Hussein," and label the cluster bombs, "Pick this up if you support Saddam Hussein."
And "Humanitarian Daily Rations" is the usual kind of silly name. What do you expect from the military? Poetry?