Metro Pulse/Snarls/Thank Knoxville

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Giving thanks for the little things that make Knoxville Knoxiousvile

by Scott McNutt

Dear Lord, Thanks for our obstreperous little mayor. Despite his pettiness, despite his self-aggrandizement, despite his vindictiveness, despite his unnecessary bickering and squabbling with City Council, despite his waste of taxpayer dollars on his curious obsession with changing the city election cycle—despite all that, he has done some good things, like, a couple of years ago, after a decade of indifference, suddenly throwing his weight behind historic preservation. Plus, he's been doing that bitch-slap match with TDOT, which has been amusing. (But, thanks for term limits, too.)

About historic preservation, thanks for Knoxville's historical anti-preservationist stance, most excellently represented by the Cherokee Country Club "old guard's" attitude toward the Smith-Coughlin house. Because of that, I appreciate that much more the few historic structures that remain.

And thanks for TDOT. What, with the ongoing I-40 and I-75 and Alcoa Highway work, it's practically impossible to get anywhere local on the major thoroughfares. I wouldn't have learned to appreciate so many of Knoxville's backroads without them. And with TDOT's upcoming plans to shut down and redesign the Gay Street viaduct and the Broadway-at-Summit-Hill viaduct, I'm in no danger of forgetting to appreciate the backroads any time soon.

Thanks for the Knox County Library Director search fiasco. If it hadn't happened, our need for a new director never would have been publicized to librarians around the nation.

Thanks for Knoxville's new commitment to public participation. Saving those six trees on Market Square was so-oooooo important.

Speaking of which, thanks for Market Square, our "failed pedestrian mall." It's never failed me. Also, thanks for having Market Square fenced in. But somebody let the homeless out, anyway. Oh yeah, and thanks for having the 5th Avenue Motel condemned and boarded up. But somebody let the people out of it, too.

Thanks for Johnny Knoxville. We were once the ugliest city in America. Now, we're the stupidest. And if anybody disputes it, we'll just trot out Brad Renfro as the clincher.

Thanks for Knoxville's spotty public transportation. At least it's good for the car dealers.

Thanks for Universe Knoxville and Renaissance Knoxville. They were good for a few yucks (and a few hundred thou of wasted taxpayer $$$).

Thanks for k2k. If somebody could figure out how to harness all that hot air, we'd never depend on foreign oil again. And thanks for all of k2k's critics. Saddam Hussein must never get his hands on this super-powerful Negative Energy Generator!

Which reminds me: Thanks for all the extra security at McGhee-Tyson Airport. Saddam's not going to get his weapons of mass destruction through Knoxville. Of course, nobody else will get through Knoxville, either, but that's the price you pay for safety.

Thanks for having County Commissioners sue the County Sheriff and County Commission sue the school board and vice-versa. Maybe they'll be so busy messing with each other they'll forget to mess with us taxpayers. Oh, wait. Our taxes are paying the $200,000+ legal fees. Damn!

This is out of Knoxville's bounds, but I just have to say thanks for state politics as usual, which forced Tennessee's continuing budget crisis. We never would have gotten a lottery without it. And thanks for the most nasty, negative governor's race in Tennessee history. It was an excellent reminder that politicians are scum.

Also, thanks for Tennessee's sorry ranking in education. Because of it, our citizens are too ignorant to know how bad off they are.

Back in Knoxiousvile, thanks for using the Coster Shop contaminated soil debacle to remind us of the truth in the saying "All want credit, none take blame."

Thanks for having the News-Sentinel move to Mechanicsville. We finally scared them off.

Thanks for our new Convention Center. It's pretty...if you keep your eyes shut until you're inside. Even better, it's a wonderful complement to the Sunsphere and the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame, our other odd-shaped, under-utilized buildings.

Thanks for Knoxville's rankings in poor air quality and sprawl. At least we're in the top ten in something.

And last, thanks for the football Vols. There wouldn't have been nearly enough turkeys this year without them.