Metro Pulse/Snarls/I Wanna Hear Your Body Talk

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The leg bone's connected to the...

by Scott McNutt

Prick up your ears and keep an eye peeled, 'cause right off the top of my head I'm gonna give you the skinny on bodily clichés. No need to give me the cold shoulder. Hey, don't be so anal retentive! I'm no silver-tongued devil trying to get a finger in your pie. I'm not trying to squeeze you for your precious bodily fluids. No, I just want you to lend me an ear while I give you a heads up on why body references are the bee's knees.

If you use your head, it's as plain as the nose on your face, as any red-blooded reader with half a brain should know. Not to be ham-handed about it, but we all go head over heels for body part references. Why? Because you know your body like the back of your hand. You can really sink your teeth into body parts. You know it means more if love comes "straight from the heart," or "from the top of my head to the soles of my feet." It's a gut feeling we have that "they were arm-in-arm and hand-in-hand" conveys more than just saying "they seemed to like each other." It's a rule of thumb. So don't be a lame-brain or you'll take it on the chin and be the butt of the joke. Body metaphors are hip.

With the right clichés, you can muscle your way into any conversation. And if you're a sweaty-palmed, chicken-legged, lily-livered tenderfoot, you don't have to put on a brave face and get a gleam in your eye, trying to pretend you're a bare-knuckled guy who's ready to pin someone's ears back in case of a face-off. Know the right phrase and, even if you're a yellow belly, any two-fisted brawler will give you all the elbow room you want. (If not, well, "feets don't fail me now.")

I'm not saying you need to be a black-hearted, fork-tongued, bald-faced liar, but if you put the right bug in the ear of that titillating, built-like-a-brick-house, hot-blooded, ruby-lipped air-head, you'll have her under your thumb and eating out of your hand in no time. Maybe you're all thumbs with two left feet, but the right body reference will have her out on the dance floor shaking her groove thing while you beer-belly dance. Later, you might be dancing nose-to-nose and cheek-to-cheek, but you have to speak in the right tongue to keep her seeing eye-to-eye with you. If you don't, you'll be fighting tooth-and-nail in no time at all, and you'll end up alone and empty-handed again, with only your "palm pilot" to guide you. And that just leads to sticky fingers.

In that vein, if you can't lead her by the nose, it's probably because your right hand doesn't know what the left one is doing—maybe because you have your head in the clouds and stars in your eyes. If that description is on the nose, you have to get your feet back on the ground. You've got to keep your finger on her pulse or she'll tell you to stick it in your ear. Want her to accept you warts and all? Then you have to let her know your eyes are for her eyes only. If you don't, you'll be looking into the gaping maw of the jaws of defeat.

I'm not just shooting from the hip, and it's no skin off my teeth if you're so brain-dead you don't realize you can't get what you want by navel-gazing. You've got to put your back into learning the lingo. Don't do it, and you're sticking your neck out. At best you'll be hanging on by your nails. If you want to make time without tripping over your feet, your tongue's got to be on a hair-trigger, your brain's got to be a steel trap. Your next body reference can't be left on the tip of your tongue if you want to toe the line. Whipsaw reflexes are more important than washboard stomachs in this game. In the end, he who displays the best body of knowledge will be he who makes out like Elvis the pelvis. And I'm not just pulling your...leg.