This Halloween, be a hometown spirit—dress like Knoxville!
by Scott McNutt
 s you well know, my disciples, there were "troubles" in the early years, mostly from the small portion of the outside population that consists of roving bands of anonymous, dipsomaniac males under the age of 25, wearing unseemly costumes. But now, we have established this magnificent annual soiree as a downtown tradition. And so, the question has arisen: Is the time ripe to openly declare ourselves and invite the hordes to mingle with us? My answer is thus: The White Mule Society welcomes those with costume and convivial spirit. But our ways are still too foreign for many to accept. So it must be: Those who haunt the downtown may have the favor of an invitation bestowed upon them by our disguised Agents of Fortune, but others must beg this privilege.
Excelsior!
Yer pal,
The Grand Guignol Goateed Snob
Over the last several years, rumors have abounded that the secretive White Mule Society has begun a tradition of hosting major costume "theme" parties somewhere downtown each Halloween season. In a fit of investigative journalism, Metro Pulse has ascertained that the mysterious enclave has, indeed, been puttin' on the Ritz at Halloween time. This year's party is rumored to have some sort of Victorian cross-dressing, opium den, burlesque-like theme. Metro Pulse was unable to learn the exact nature, location, or date of the party, but in a secret message (see scroll at right) intercepted by Metro Pulse, the Grand Mullah of the White Mule Society muses on opening the party to the "unwashed masses."
Among other messages we intercepted were scattered images, which appear to be from the previous year's party. After reviewing them, Metro Pulse reached this conclusion: These Mules kick ass. As a couple of the photos reveal, some of the party-goers had the inspiration to develop Knoxville-based theme costumes. And that's a cool idea.
After all, any fool can put on a Victor Ashe mask and go to a Halloween party as the mayor. (We should know—we've done it.) But conceptual costuming—there's the challenge. For instance, how many people would think to put on a bulldog suit and affix "Election Cycle Referendum—YES!" and "I hate TDOT" stickers to their chest as a way of symbolizing hizzoner? It's no trick simply to represent the sterile physical aspect of a Knoxville person, place, or thing; but to convey the essence of Knoxvillia—yes, that is the challenge.
Metro Pulse is always mindful of its readers' needs. So, below are some costume ideas for those of you with a yen to attend the secret White Mule Society Halloween party and show some Knoxville spirit at the same time. Think about it: If you show up dressed as the tainted Coster Shop soil, how can they not let you in?
The Demise of Whittle Communications. First, build a scale model of the former Whittle Complex. Bring it to the party. Place it on a table. Cut a hole in the table within the courtyard of your model. Stand to one side. Throw thousands of dollars into the hole all night long.
The Hole on State Street. This is a relatively simple one. Create a hollow, human-sized, paper-maché tombstone that you can slip over your body (remember eye and arm holes!). Write on it "Downtown baseball stadium RIP 1996, Row of historic buildings and viable businesses RIP 2000, Justice Center RIP 2001, Universe Knoxville RIP 2003."
Traffic Congestion. This costume requires no special accouterments, but positioning is critical: When you arrive at the party, go immediately to the bathroom. Stand outside it and let no one pass, all the while loudly exclaiming "I'm Cedar Bluff Road at 5 p.m. on Friday!"
Dogwood Arts Festival. Make a banjo from scratch. Then handcraft a bunch of the kind of handcrafts you see at handcraft booths at the Dogwood Arts Festival. Wander the party, singing lines like "If a dogwood could, would a dogwood dog wood good?" and "If a dog could, would a dog dog dogwood wood good?" while shopping your handcrafts to other guests. Tell them you'll go away if they'll make a donation to the festival.
City Slogan "Knoxville Naturally!" This concept requires some bravery. Wear a sign around your neck proclaiming "Proud to be a Knoxvillian!"—and nothing else.
Universe Knoxville. This one's easy. Get a pig. Place it in a poke. Hold on to the poke. Urge other guests to give you large sums of money, for which, in return, you will continue holding the poke.
Home of the Big Orange. Naaaaaaaaah. Too easy.
The Sunsphere and the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame. Naaaaaaaaah. Too obvious. (But you'd like me to, wouldn't you?)
Collapse of the Butcher Banking Empire. Dress as a butcher, complete with meat cleaver. Borrow $1,000 bills from several friends. Place the bills in a random pattern on the table. With your cleaver, hack the very edge off a bill chosen at random. Glue the piece to another bill, again, chosen at random. Continue doing this, haphazardly. Hack and glue until the bills are unrecognizable. Then surrender yourself to federal authorities.
The 2002 and 2003 Vol Football Seasons. Get two football uniform costumes, and for the 2002 season, have a jersey printed with the 2002 season theme, "Unfinished Business." For the 2003 season, get one of those shirts that says "I'm with stupid."
The Homeless Downtown. This costume will require a large group of people (obviously). Authenticity is always a plus, so have your group spend the week before the party sleeping on Market Square. Buy several of those pre-made, acrylic signs that read "We're moving!" Get one older white guy in a three-piece suit and give him a button that says, "This project brought to you by citizens for downtown redevelopment." Start the evening by having your homeless group standing about 20 feet from one corner of the room, pretty much together (although occasionally one will need to break away from the group to bum cigarettes or change). Then suit guy should make his entrance, distribute the signs to the group, and spend the rest of the evening herding the homeless into the corner of the room. Building a fence around the group is optional.
If you want to come up with your own costume, but are at a loss for a uniquely Knoxville-based theme, here are some other ideas:
- Historic Preservation in Knoxville
- City of Almost
- 1982 World's Fair
- Market Square
- Metro Pulse
- The Legendary Shootout on Gay Street
- Voter Apathy
- "Where Nature and Technology Meet"
- James White Parkway Connector
- Poor Air Quality
- The Powers That Be
- Battle of Ft. Sanders
- Sprawl
Now you're all dressed up. But what if the Agents of Fortune don't deign to invite you to the White Mule Society's Halloween bash? Don't worry, you'll still have places to go. Following is a helpful list of spooky activities at which to show that you have (or are) a hometown spirit.
The Maze: Labyrinth of Fear will spook at Oak Ridge Mall Oct. 24-31, 7-11 p.m. Admission costs $7. For more information, see www.frightworks.com.
Oakes Farm "Haunted" Corn Maze will be open from dusk to 10:30 p.m., Oct. 24-26, 28-31, and Nov. 1-2. Take a hayride and pick your own pumpkin. The cost of the maze is $7, $5 for kids ages 6-11; hayrides are $5. For more information, call 688-6200.
The Haunted Cave will be open at Cherokee Caverns, 2.5 miles west of the Karns red light on Oak Ridge Highway in West Knox County (one mile east of Pellissippi Parkway) Oct. 25, 26, 30, and 31, 7-10 p.m. The cost is $7.
A Ghostly Gathering will raise the spirits of Historic Rugby's past with storytelling by lamplight, hot cider and a bonfire, Oct. 25, 7 p.m., and Oct. 26, 6:45 p.m. The $16 admission fee ($8 kids 6-12) includes dinner. RSVP to 1-888-214-3400.
A Pagan/Wiccan Samhain Celebration & Barter Faire offers a samhain circle, spiral maze and vendors, Oct. 26, 2 p.m.-midnight, rain or shine. For more information, call 927-7833.
A show by Immortal Chorus with DJ Michael Xi at Blue Cats in the Old City also features a costume contest. Saturday, Oct. 26, 9 p.m. A $5 cover charge. 21+ only, please.
Twi-Lite Run for the Pumpkins 5K and Trick or Treat Fun-Walk will start at Sacred Heart Cathedral Oct. 27, 3:30 p.m. Registration is $12/$15; the fun walk is free. See www.ktc.org for more information.
The Ghosts & Ghouls Tour will relate grisly stories of Knoxville's past, leaving Blount Mansion promptly at 7 p.m., Oct. 24-26 and 28-31. Admission is $6.50, $4.50 under 12. Call 525-2375 for information.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show movie will be shown interactively following a concert revue of its music, Oct. 30-31, 10 p.m. at Walters State, Sevierville. The cost is $10/$12. For more information, call 774-5831.
October 24, 2002 * Vol. 12, No. 43
© 2002 Metro Pulse
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