Metro Pulse/Snarls/License to Drive...

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...you around the bend

by Scott McNutt

In these uncertain times, when foreign malingerers and scofflaws threaten our very American way of life, there are good reasons for licensing certain high-risk, highly sensitive occupations. For instance, San Diego wisely insists that all nude dancers obtain permits before displaying their wares. I'm sure we all agree that unlicensed exotic dancers are a clear and present danger. ("Look out, Bert, them breasts are lethal weapons! She must be an UNLICENSED NUDE DANCER!") But, although restricting such activities may be a necessity, it appears that being constantly on high alert for terrorist ecdysiasts (look it up) has caused us to far exceed our actual licensing needs. In other words, we've given too much license for giving license.

Licensing has become a national obsession. We require licenses, permits, certifications, and registrations for the slightest and strangest of things. Take Nantucket: They have an "Automatic Amusement Device" license, which sounds as though they are trying to regulate the use of vibrators. Minnesota has a "Resident Frog Dealer" license. Are they suggesting a junkie must know a frog's address before purchasing drugs from it?

Please, please: Stop us before we license again!

Does Wyoming truly need a license for its "Special Three-Day Bird"? Why would anyone even want New Mexico's "Acid Rain Application & Instructions"? What is Minnesota's continuing obsession with where its amphibious and aquatic fauna live, such that it would have a "Nonresident Minnow Hauler License"? Who cares where minnows live? Will Minnesotans be banning neighboring salamanders next?

How can Tennessee even think of having a "Senior Citizen Hunting License"? If we are going to issue licenses to hunt an age group, it should be teenagers. Alabama offers "Synthetic Minor Operating Permits." One can only assume that parents must have permission for their underage androids. Curiously, in New Jersey, a "Companion Service (Dating Service)" requires a license, but a "Dating Service" in the same state does not. Pittsburgh has a "Commercial Hood System" permit; are they trying to cash in on a serious street-gang problem? A "matches permit" is also demanded in Pittsburgh, which makes perfect sense when you find out that they also have a "Remove Paint with Torch" permit on the books. Perhaps their slogan should be "Pittsburgh: Working Hard to Control Our Pyromaniacs."

Texas, as befits a state famous for doing things in a big way, appears to have more odd licenses than any other state. It requires a "Feed Garbage to Swine, Permit to," a "Permit to Maintain and Use a Pit," a "Class C License (Combination of Class A and B)," a "Weather Modification License," a "Hypnotist Certificate, Investigative," a "Non-dominant Interexchange Carrier Registration," a "Sweet Potato Certificate," and a "Wig Specialist License." And those are just the normal ones.

The Lone Star State insists on a "Bee Branding Permit." I can imagine a conversation with the beeboys who ride herd on them little dogies: "Yup, bee rustling's a real problem 'round these parts, so we got to brand 'em. Holdin' them little stingeroos down for the iron's the real challenge." Continuing with this excess of overzealous permission-limitation, Texas also requires an "Egg Broker's License." Who'da thunk you'd need a license just to break a few eggs? Omelets must be prized indeed, in Texas.

Then there is the "Shell Fish Certification of Compliance" (pray tell, why do Texans wish to be certified by a shellfish?); the "Geophysical Permit" (apparently, even the Earth must register itself before entering the state of Texas; interestingly, Hampton, Virginia, takes the opposite view, restricting bothersome humans' access to the Earth with its "Land Disturbing Permit"); the "Temporary Common Worker Permit" (are permits not required for Permanent Unusual Workers?); the "Singular Public Display Permit" (I am curious about what displays fall under this permit—perhaps UNLICENSED NUDE DANCING!); and the "European Certification," (one would think that simply having a French accent and body odor would be guarantee enough).

Come, now. Are we really so fearful of unlicensed imposters posing as professors that we insist that a visiting professor get a "Professor, Visiting" permit, as Texas does? Are we so pathetically in need of guidance that we must have a "Bedding Registration"? Must we have government-imposed restrictions to define every dimension of our lives to feel secure?

No, I say, no! We've got to snap out of it—we need to get some sense of perspective, take a look at the big picture, get the overview of what we're about. To get it, just apply for the "Overdimensional Permit" from the Department of Transportation, Carson City, NV 89712.