The joys of dating explained
by Angie Vicars
Do not cringe when you read the following word—dating. Well? What happened? Did you cringe anyway? Why? This is the 21st century. Haven't you gotten the hang of this yet? Tsk tsk.
I have a suggestion for you. First, imagine being out with someone you're thinking you might be interested in, could possibly become interested in, or should definitely be interested in, according to everyone that knows you. Now, take this quiz to help you figure out where your interest really lies or stands (as the case may be).
Which one of the following are you doing? A) Going out with someone you could call your date? B) Still telling people you're not sure if you're dating? Followed by asking them if they think that you are. C) Insisting that you're just friends? Or D) Telling yourself that you're getting to know each other better and it doesn't matter how long that takes?
When you're out with the potentially special person in your life should you A) Offer to pay? B) Expect your date to pay? If you know if you have a date, that is. Or C) Keep mentioning how you made a special trip to the ATM just so you could go dutch?
When kissing comes up do you A) Decide that it's still too soon? B) Decide that it's clearly too late? Or C) Decide to keep thinking about it because maybe you're just friends and friends aren't supposed to kiss friends anyway. Or are they?
When you're buying a greeting card do you choose from a slot marked A) Love? B) Love/Friendship? C) Humorous? Or D) Blank?
Stop in the name of love! Before you see that certain someone again without knowing if you're seeing them or if they're seeing you, I'm going to tell you something that you really need to know.
You're going about this all wrong. You know how I can tell? You're mixing romance and dating. It's a sure sign of how crazy you're starting to get. The next thing you know, you'll be using cute names like Foofy and Lovenest and maybe even Sugarbritches. You'll be calling to say you're on your way over even though you have a key and you're not afraid to use it. You'll even start wearing each other's clothes.
Before I wind up in someone else's pants (not that there's anything wrong with that), I've rewritten the script for The Dating Game. Here's how to play. Go out with someone, or someones, and have a good time. That's it. That's really all that you have to do.
Here are some helpful guidelines for choosing the others that you're willing to play along with. Only date those you don't want to sleep with under any circumstances. Or date those who are absolutely unavailable, no matter what their gender happens to be. There's a special name for people in these categories. They're called your friends. You don't have to keep up with any anniversaries this way. At most, you'll be snared into a sentimental conversation from time to time going something like this: How long have we known each other? No. It can't be. How exactly do you think we met again?
Date friends who have at least one major credit card. That way it doesn't matter if your card's maxed out. They'll cover you without demanding that you perform the Kama Sutra on them later. Especially if you've already done that and that's why you're now friends.
Date married couples. This is a truly win-win situation when you think about it. It's double the food, double the chances that someone can cover you, double the party invitations, and you even have a double shot at staying over in a guest room of your very own.
Date single people who're divorced, not looking for commitments, and going back to school. They're totally motivated to see dollar movies. Plus they have video rental cards for all the stores in town. They'll take one car without squeezing your hand meaningfully while they use it to shift gears. They'll even IHOP with you. Willingly.
Date single people who just haven't found that certain someone and who know it's not you. You can languish through love's latest labors lost together. Not that either of you would've ever made a fool of yourself. Just that you were dating someone really stupid who didn't know what a good thing they were letting get away. Again.
Date people online. This is every bit as time-consuming as regular dating. Only you can both be naked the entire time without ever having to look at each other.
So the next time you find yourself home alone, who you gonna call? Someone you have to entertain all night, hoping they won't call you angel of the morning? Or someone who'll fall asleep in front of the TV with you and then make you breakfast without ever forcing you to meet their family?
See Foofy. See Foofy run. Run Foofy run.
August 29, 2002 * Vol. 12, No. 35
© 2002 Metro Pulse
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