...but they're afraid to tell you
by Amy York
The days are growing shorter and that can only mean one thing: Soon, thousands of students will make their pilgrimage to Knoxville's overpriced, understaffed Mecca of education. So, in the spirit of "The War on Terrorism," it behooves us to warn incoming freshmen of what they're getting themselves into. Here's everything your tour guide conveniently forgot to tell you at orientation, from A to Z.
Advising
Each semester, before a student can register for the next semester's course load, he or she must be advised by a faculty member as to what classes to take. The beauty of this arrangement is that most advisors haven't the slightest idea what classes you should sign up for. The most useful advice you could get at these sessions is that you should have stayed home.
Alumni
You know those 40-year-olds who have no teenage children and still attend high school football games? The University of Tennessee has them too, only worse. In a pitiful attempt at midlife crisis, these grown men and women parade around in bright orange matching clothing and say things like, "We're gonna beat Florida this year," unaware they aren't even on the football team. Aren't these symptoms of schizophrenia?
Black Cultural Center
UT has always striven for equality and cultural diversity. And what better way to further advance those goals than the recent construction of the Black Cultural Center? Now all they need are some black students to go with it (no, the football and basketball teams don't count).
Cafeteria Food
To better ease the transition from high school to college, Tennessee requires that university cafeteria food taste like, well, shit. State psychologists have concluded this familiarity helps prevent feelings of homesickness, displacement, and depression. The one exception to the rule, of course, is when anyone other than students and faculty eat cafeteria food. On football Saturdays expect lobster and cr�me brulée.
Classes
In some ways college is a lot like elementary school. Even though you're shelling out mega-bucks to attend classes, and are old enough by now to responsibly contract lung cancer or ogle hulky men taking their clothes off, you're still too young to skip class without being punished. Go to your room.
Construction
Lately campus has started to resemble war-torn Bosnia. Have you seen the alley between the Humanities building and the library? In an effort to build a peaceful greenway of lush grass and trees, construction teams have unearthed half a ton of rock and debris. If you're wheelchair bound, you should consider buying an ATV.
Dry Campus
Believe it or not, UT is a dry campus. That's because in East Tennessee, people don't drink alcohol. They may drink beer or vodka or rum or whiskey. But not alcohol. Well, except at parties and sporting events and in frat houses and dorm rooms. But besides that, campus is pretty much free of intoxication.
Email
One of the technological benefits of a college education is a free (if you can call it that) email account. And for the unpopular among you, UT has taken the liberty of making a few friends for you. By selling your email address to everyone from the Society of Rural Gamblers to the Olsen Twin Porn Club, your school has guaranteed you should have no less than 4,000 pieces of spam to delete on your first day.
Exercise
According to someone smarter than you, college kids are fat. Fortunately UT has a variety of exercise programs to trim off those kegger calories. There's a built in mountain, the Hill, which you'll scale quite often on the trek to class. There's the 10 miles you'll walk each day to classrooms located as far apart as geographically possible. There's the wacky game of "dodge-car" you have to play to get across Cumberland Avenue. There's the so-called "walking class" that has made UT a laughing stock across the country. But the best exercise you'll get is sprinting away from religious sects hell-bent on converting you. Better pack your running shoes. You'll need them.
UT Football
In case you hadn't noticed, UT has a football team. Generally speaking, they're a pretty good football team. Technically the people on this team are called "students," just like you, but that's where the similarity ends. They may not be able to spell or conjugate a verb or tell you the difference between a matrix and a parabola. But they sure can run and pass the pigskin. We'd be worried they'd be angry about these comments, but until we launch a book on tape version of Metro Pulse, we figure we're pretty safe.
Gilley, Wade
You're better off not knowing. Trust us. But just remember that anything you send on Email can be read by just about everyone else. So if you're having the sexual relationship of all time with someone and just have to write it down, spare us and do it on paper, and then burn it.
Library
Once upon a time the second floor of the Q-Bert-like Hodges Library housed a large study area where students studied and snacked as they pleased. But a couple of years ago the mom and pop study lounge was taken over by the nefarious corporate Starbucks. By 2005 the remainder of the second floor is scheduled to become a combination McDonalds and Wal-Mart. Perhaps that will solve the educational funding crisis.
Move-in Day
Moving is always a terrifying experience. But there are ways to make it even worse. UT has found them, transforming your move into something of a contact sport. First they close off all parking lots within a five-mile radius of the dorm you need access to. Then they hide all moving carts, so you can carry two tons of luggage, clothing, and electronic equipment yourself. Make sure to pack a wheelbarrow and a high-calibered assault rifle. They'll be unbelievably handy.
Parking
Rivaling the cost of tuition itself, a permit to park at UT can be pricey. But don't worry. After shelling out all that money, you'll still have to hitchhike the distance from your parking spot to where you need to go. That's assuming you find a parking spot in the city limits. And if there's a concert or basketball game at Thompson-Boling, your parking tag becomes about as useful as Mike Tyson in a spelling bee.
Parties
In recent years UT has been rated both a great place to party and also to have your car stolen. What's probably happening is that, while all the kids are out drinking, underpaid professors are stealing their cars and auctioning them on eBay. If the state won't pay them, someone will.
Sororities
Making new friends can be tough when you're hundreds of miles from home. That's where sororities come in. For more than the price of a cup of coffee each day, you can bid on a group of friends who will require you to dress and act just like they do. If you're skinny, white, and willing to do as you're told, you too can be a member of Ey Phelta Thi.
Textbooks
While football and hazing are certainly crucial to the college way of life, learning is by far the most important reason for higher education. And after spending $400 in one semester for books you'll open twice, hopefully you'll learn not to again. The resale value on those books at semester's end? A generous $5.73.
Tickets
There's a strange phenomenon on the streets of UT. Illegally park your car (and believe us you will), and in less than five minutes a parking services staff member will be hovering over your license plate, writing you a ticket. Hide in the bushes in attempt to spot the parking police and they won't show. But leave the sight of your car and in a matter of minutes you'll be swearing. Why couldn't the rest of the university be this efficient?
Tuition
Tuition has increased roughly 2,000 percent at UT in the past five years. By 2010 it will be cheaper to attend Harvard for a semester than to receive a full in-state public education in Knoxville. But not if the state Department of Transportation has anything to say about it. Plans are underway to convert campus into a 16-lane highway, connecting South Knoxville to Western Avenue. That should put funding complaints to rest.
UTPD
Crime on university campuses has skyrocketed in the past few years. But there's no reason to fear for your safety with UTPD on the case. If you think they're not looking out for you, just try jaywalking. Be sure to have your attorney's number handy.
Visitation
Another way college life resembles elementary school are the built-in opposite sex curfews. Sure, you're a grown man, but you still can't have girls in your dorm room after 11 on a school night. Your best bet for after-hours hanky panky? Have a sex change, then become a lesbian. You'll experience diversity and outside-the-box thinking all at once. And that's what college is all about.
Wildlife
UT has its share of wildlife. There are the party animals, of course, kids you'll see the first day of class and not again until finals. And there are the football fans, rabid pack hunters who arrive as early as 8 a.m. two days before kickoff. But more importantly, there are the residence hall insects. Hess has its ants, creatures said to devour a cow or a slow-moving roommate in a minute flat. Strong has its cockroaches, armored tanks so dense that cleaning personnel are apparently unable to even remove their carcasses. So be careful—it's a jungle in there.
Zzzzz
A sound you will become familiar with during early morning and mid-afternoon lectures. Professors pretend not to notice it. You should too. Someday it could be you.
August 15, 2002 * Vol. 12, No. 33
© 2002 Metro Pulse
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