Metro Pulse/Snarls/Self-Improvement

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...but keep your "personal growth" to yourself

by Scott McNutt

Back when I worked in corporate America, every day in my mail slot at the office I would find glossy flyers excitedly promising to teach me "in an intensive, three-day, hands-on course," "everything you need to know" about things like "The Fundamentals of Interpersonal Skills!"

I was very dedicated to improving my work situation. So I conscientiously crammed each and every one of these flyers into my boss's mail slot.

Am I missing something here? Why would employees need to learn "interpersonal skills"? Don't interviewees who pick their noses or lick their eyebrows, or who suddenly sit very still and whisper, "The warglebooger is right behind you," get the heave-ho? I know your average manager makes a lemming look like an icon of intelligence, but do they actually review candidates and say, "OK, he kept trying to hump my leg during the interview, but look at that GPA! Let's hire him and send him to an 'Interpersonal Skills' workshop?" I admit, the course advertised in a flyer I just received, "Effective Executive Speaking," would benefit the Executive-in-Chief of the United States. But honestly, other than Dubya, how many executives mangle English like a rottweiler working over its chew toy?

If there must be professional development courses, at least they could be interesting and useful. Here are some seminars I'd attend: "How to Look Busy Doing Nothing," "Fifty Sarcastic Retorts to Dimwit Managers," "How to Channel Your Job Frustration into Road Rage," and "How—After Your Boss Stops by Your Office at 6:20 p.m., Tosses You an 80-Page Document, and Says 'Here, Finish Up This Report,' as He Heads for the Exit—To Chase Him Down and Bludgeon Him with Your 1996 'Self-Starter of the Year' Award, Then Feed Him Into the Paper Shredder. And Get Away With It."

And what about "personal growth" courses? Let's take "rebirthing." On second thought, you take it. I get queasy just writing it. I have no idea what it is, but it's so popular that there's a magazine dedicated to it, and many courses are taught in it, and there are sites on the web selling, seriously, "Rebirth Certificates." "Discovering Your Inner Child" is another popular self-growth theme.

Probably, you have to pass through "rebirth" to find your "inner child." Not me, though. My inner child and I are legally separated. All contact is handled through the lawyers.

Courses with titles like "Practical Living," "Creative Living," "Life Lessons," "Learning to Live," "Living to Learn," "Living for Living," and "Living with Bed-Wetting" worry me. Why? It worries me that there are grown-ups who can afford to live but still need instructions on how to go about it. In case any such adults are reading this, let me give you a short course in "Life": Day 1: Breathe, eat, drink, work, sleep. Day 2: Repeat as necessary. Add sex to taste. There! You'll get along fine now. That'll be $195. Now, far more useful, in my opinion, would be a course in "How Not to Die."

One course that I do recommend reviewing is presented at www.braincourse.com/indea.html. There you will find Melvin D. Saunders' "THE 100% BRAIN Course," which asks the important question, "Do you want to make your Entire Brain Grow more?" Some things you'll learn through this course are how to "Be Unconsciously Conscious!" and "Fear The World and Still Succeed!" And, most critically, how to "Stimulate Your Brain Through Your Ears!" (Pencils not included.)

Actually, I'm all in favor of self-improvement courses. Believe you me, everybody I know could stand to improve quite a bit, and I could tell them how. In fact, as long as I'm on the subject, I will. Here's who should attend: All my friends, my family, my coworkers, my acquaintances, my editor here at Metro Pulse, my bowling team, the kid who put my milk on top of my eggs in the check-out aisle Tuesday, the woman putting on her make-up while driving too slow in the fast lane this morning, you with the glasses, you, the balding guy over there, you, you, you and your little dog, too, you all need to take "How to Transform Your Life into a Quest for Ways to Please Scott and Make Him Happy and Comfortable." Upon successful completion of the course, you will receive a "Rebirth Certificate." That'll be $275.