by Scott McNutt
Human cloning is no laughing matter. So why is a business in the serious business of cloning humans calling itself Clonaid? I discovered this in the Aug. 8, 2001, edition of the News-Sentinel from an article titled "Three claim human cloning on the way." There it was, right in the article: "...the director of Clonaid..."
Clonaid? I thought. Clonaid? You can't be serious. Clonaid sounds like something you pour on your clone to make it grow better. It sounds like they've asked Willie Nelson to give a benefit concert for duplicates.
I mean, cloning's an important issue, so why not choose a name with a little more dignity and professionalism? Clonaid sounds about as dignified and professional as a racket that does business out of the back of a van. Even "Clones 'R' Us," "Gene's Used Genes Store," or "Claude's Body Shop" would be an improvement.
I also wondered if they would be selling ancillary products, like clondoze, to help your clones sleep, clonaze, in case you have a cloned-up nose, or clonaway, for when your home gets infested with them. And what about services? Would they provide additional services, like clone rentals? Surely, buying a clone is going to be an expensive proposition, so what about offering a service for the less well-to-do? My friend Michael suggested a name for it, and we even came up with a slogan: "Do All Your Neighbors Have Clones? Can't Afford a Clone of Your Own? Rent-to-Own-Clones Can Help! With Our Easy Installment Plan, You Can Get Your Own Clone Today, and Be Keeping Up with the Cloneses Tomorrow!"
God, I just slay myself, I thought smugly. I'm sooo-oooooo funny. Yep, sometimes my column just writes itself. I was feeling very pleased with my cleverness, thinking I had thoroughly satirized Clonaid.
Then I visited their web site. And I relearned an old, old lesson: Truth is funnier than fiction. The following excerpts are taken verbatim from the site:
"...RAËL, the well known spiritual leader of the Raëlian Movement, the world's largest UFO related organisation in the world counting 55,000 people in 84 countries (www.rael.org)...
"...[The Raëlian Movement] claims that life on earth was created scientifically in laboratories by extraterrestrials whose name (ELOHIM) is found in the Hebrew Bible and was mistranslated by the word 'God,' and which also claims that Jesus' resurrection was, in fact, a cloning performed by the ELOHIM—[RAËL] announced today that he and a group of investors have set up a company named Valiant Venture Ltd which will offer a service called CLONAID®...
"...RAËL said: 'Cloning will enable mankind to reach eternal life. The next step, like the ELOHIM with their 25,000 years of scientific advance, will be to directly clone an adult person without having to go through the growth process and to transfer memory and personality in this person. Then, we wake up after death in a brand new body just like after a good night sleep!'
"RAËL is available for public speeches about human cloning for a fee of 100,000 US$...
"CLONAID® is proud to offer a new service...OVULAID® which will offer eggs to women for as low as $5000 (plus transplantation fee).... Customers interested to buy eggs, please contact our scientific team.... If you would like to sell your eggs for $5000, please contact: Nadine...
"CLONAID® will also offer a service called INSURACLONE® which, for a $50,000 fee, will provide the sampling and safe storage of cells from a living child or from a beloved person.... If you are interested by CLONAID®, INSURACLONE® or CLONAPET® services please contact...."
I had to quit reading at this point, because I was huddled under my desk, whimpering. This is what satirists everywhere fear: Subjects who mock themselves better than a satirist could ever hope to.
As geneticists, the Clonaiders make me scared. As writers, the Clonaiders make me laugh. And as publicists, the Clonaiders make good self-satirists. So I give up. Clonaid, go right ahead and proudly publicize your bizarre beliefs and goofy product line.
But I still think "Claude's Body Shop" would have been a better name.
May 16, 2002 * Vol. 12, No. 2
© 2002 Metro Pulse
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