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A quick primer on the heartbreak of hair removal—for men

by Tiffany Peters

Have you ever stared in the mirror and started when you found Sasquatch looking back at you? Or does the sporadic hair growth on your chest slightly resemble a map of the Canary Islands? If you are like most men, you can grant a heavy nod to one or both of these questions. And if you have ever wondered what can be done to remove Buckwheat from your ass, we have taken a crash course through the dirty (and mostly painful) world of hair removal.

Shaving

Most men spend a lifetime perfecting this procedure. By simply viewing the red, leper-like faces of morning shavers, one can assume there is nothing perfect about the process. And while shaving facial hair isn't too daunting a task, most men cringe at the thought of scraping a razor across their derriére or grazing a nipple in the quest for hair freedom. While this is not the preferred method of body hair removal for sane people, those of you that choose this method should heed some warnings: 1. Do not use an old razor. You may be able to get away with it on your face, but imagine the discomfort when Mr. Irritated Ass Skin meets Mr. Sweaty Boxer. 2. Buy an ingrown hair inhibitor from any supermarket. These creams are made for the bikini line, but can pretty much stop ingrown hair anywhere on the male and female anatomy. 3. Let someone help you. The thought of asking your best bud or girlfriend to help you shave your ass should be dissuasion enough.

Waxing

As you lie down on the table at your chosen waxing salon you might notice small horns sprouting from the noggin of the technician about to perform the procedure. This is completely normal because waxing is, after all, the chosen form of punishment in Hell.

For those hirsute individuals unfamiliar with the process, an explanation is in order. First, you are placed on a table in an uncomfortable position both physically and emotionally. Then a thin layer of hot wax is applied to your fur followed by the application of an innocent looking strip of cloth. The wax is then allowed to dry to the strip, which is later ripped from your body as your technician bellows a hardy MWAHAHAHAHA! If this sounds like a good idea to you then please bear in mind: 1. Waxing hurts a lot more than shaving and can still leave you with irritated skin and ingrown hair. 2. While regrowth is substantially delayed by waxing, the inconvenience involved with the procedure can smudge the glimmer right off that extra week of baldness achieved by waxing. 3. Nads and other sugar waxing systems don't require hot wax, but still involve the seizing of hair in a quick tearing motion and leave skin irritated.

Plucking

Shah! Plucking those little bastard hairs from your eyebrow hurts badly enough.

Depilatory Creams

Just as there is no such thing as a free lunch, there is no such thing as a pleasant form of hair removal. However, if we lived in a perfect world, where no man had nostrils, depilatory creams (Nair, Bikini Bare, etc) would be fur-lifting royalty. These creams are applied to the skin and use chemicals to suffocate the root of the hair over a 10-15 minute period. The cream is then wiped clean with a wet cloth and voila—the hair is gone. It can take up to an hour to complete the whole body but involves no pain and very little discomfort.

This is the recommended form of hair removal for most men, but there are a few warnings about the use of these products: 1. Much like shaving and waxing, hair removal is only temporary and can cause severe allergic reactions in some users. Please test a small area of skin 48 hours before applying the stuff to your more intimate parts. 2. If the devil had body odor, it would smell like depilatory cream. The odor lies on a stank scale somewhere between rotten cucumbers and old beer. While this is a definite setback, opening a window or turning on a fan will eliminate the odor. Besides, your bathroom and your nose have survived Taco Bell emissions for years; this is no worse an offense. 3. The creams can stain clothing and some surfaces, so all areas of application should be clear.

Electrolysis

This less-considered form of hair removal is permanent, somewhat painful and more expensive than Heidi Fliess in her prime. In this procedure, a tiny surgical probe is inserted into the hair follicle, shooting a pulse of energy down to the hair root. The dead hairs are then wiped away quicker than an African village with an Ebola-infected water supply. This procedure can be somewhat painful causing pressure and tingling in the treated areas. And it takes many treatments, each of which can cost upwards to $150 per hour (consider that it can take more than 100 hours to completely remove hair from a man's back). However, electrolysis combined with laser hair removal can make the process less time consuming and less agonizing. So here are the bare necessities on electrolysis: 1. Electrolysis is only as good as the money-hungry bastard performing it, so please research, research, research. If done improperly, the procedure can leave you with severe skin damage. 2. Technicians suggest that you do not shave the areas being treated between visits because it makes roots more volatile. This leads to more treatments, more money and a big old pain in your hairy ass. 3. Do the math: $150 dollars multiplied by 100 hours equals $15,000. Just hand that to some chick and see how long it takes her to forget that you are a prickly-assed freak.