Society today has lost all sense of etiquette. Rude behavior is so commonplace that no doubt Dennis Rodman will soon be hailed as a model of appropriate conduct. To combat this erosion of civility, Metro Pulse is introducing a new feature: Miss Behavior, Mistress of Modern Manners. So without further ado, let's let Miss Behavior solve your delicate etiquette difficulties.
Dear Miss Behavior, some guy up the street threatened to kill me because my dog keeps pooping on his dog. He has an Uzi, but I have a modified AR-15 with a Range-Maglok magazine replacement and Custom Trigger System, so I can defend myself. My question is, if I kill him, do I have to send flowers to the funeral? Signed, Armed and Cantankerous.
Answer: Every day in America perfect strangers kill one another. This must stop. Back in the good old days, people mainly killed people they knew. Murder was very personal back then. But these days, everyone is in such a hurry, there's no time for even basic formalities. If strangers are going to go around killing one another, they should at least be properly introduced, as in the following example: "Hi, I'm Ralph, and I'll be your murderer today." "Hi, I'm Tad, and I'll be your murderer today." Once you have been introduced, it's your funeral, fellas.
Dear Miss Behavior, when tailgating another driver, I know I am supposed to honk my horn. My question is, should I also flash my high beams at him? Signed, Honked-Off in Houston.
Answer: When showing your contempt for other drivers, it is imperative that you use all possible means to communicate how annoying you find them. So, yes, flashing your headlights is a must. If you're smart you'll carry a gun and flash that, too.
Dear Miss Behavior, my child is being pressured by her peer group at school to experiment with illegal drugs. If I write a note excusing her from participating, is that sufficient? Signed, Concerned Parent.
Answer: No. You need to go down to the school and shoot her peer group. Better yet, have her lure the group away from the school so that you can execute them in private. In this way, you will avoid violating any school "No Weapons" rules.
Dear Miss Behavior, A while back I read that, at a Little League Hockey practice in Boston, a parent beat another parent to death. My question is, wouldn't it have been simpler to shoot him? Signed, Just Curious.
Answer: Yes.
Dear Miss Behavior, I have been thinking about going on a murderous rampage at my office. Am I required to give two weeks' notice beforehand? Signed, Calm & Collected.
Answer: No. It's best to handle such occasions on a spur-of-the-moment basis. The unexpectedness always enlivens the proceedings. It is polite to carry extra rounds for any unforeseen visitors, though.
Dear Miss Behavior, I have been thinking about attempting to assassinate the President. My question is, do I have to write Jodie Foster lots of love letters before I do it? Signed, A Big Fan of Yours.
Answer: No. Poor Miss Foster was badgered enough by John Hinckley before his attempt on Ronald Reagan's life. Etiquette demands that you choose your own special celebrity to obsess over. As a personal aside, I must say I do not approve of your intentions. It would be a waste of good ammunition. Why not gun for Britney Spears instead? She's more of a nuisance.
Dear Miss Behavior, my child wants to carry a firearm to school. What type of gun is fashionable now? Signed, Fashion Conscious in Cleveland.
Answer: "Fashion" is dependent on circumstance. For instance, if your child attends a school with a dress-uniform policy, an assault rifle will stick out like wearing plaid with stripes. A compact handgun (say, a .25 caliber) that can be tucked into a sock or a boot would be best. But if she goes to a school without a formal dress policy, simply choose a gun that reflects her unique style. Best of luck getting it past the metal detectors!
Got a question for Miss Behavior? Shoot it off to us. We'll shoot back.
May 2, 2002 * Vol. 12, No. 18
© 2002 Metro Pulse
| 
