Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health
by Scott McNutt
Memo to All Metro Pulse Staff
From: The New Managing Editor
In order to facilitate our new working relationship, please read the following closely. Remember: The job you save may be your own.
Description: I am an equal opportunity employer. Although I come from a marketing background, and therefore I am ribbed for your pleasure, I have been sanitized for your protection. I am for office use only; there are penalties for private use. Some equipment shown is optional. Any resemblance of mine to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Action figure sold separately. Batteries not included.
Directions: Use only as directed. Consult your physician before use. Sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken. To access me, first pull up, then pull down. Apply only to affected area. One of me fits all. No substitutions allowed, possible penalties for early withdrawal. Store me in a cool dry place, and use only in a well-ventilated area. No user-serviceable parts inside. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to repair them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Just drop me in any mailbox; postage will be paid by addressee. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat.
Warnings: Do not leave unattended. Do not remove protective covering. Slippery when wet. I may be too intense for some users. Call the toll-free number before you dig me. Do not stamp, fold, spindle, or mutilate. Do not disturb. Reproduction is strictly prohibited. Do not use me if pregnant or nursing a baby. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. Keep away from open flames. Keep away from pets and small children. Do not try this at home.
Disclaimer: All rights reserved. Please understand that I am provided "as is" without any warranties, and the user assumes full responsibility for said use; no other warranty expressed or implied. So I will not be responsible for any direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform. Nor does my warranty cover misuse, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line voltage, terrorist acts, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, or other Acts of God, so help me God.
Memo to All Metro Pulse Readers
From: The New Managing Editor
In order to enhance your reading pleasure, please read the following closely. And remember, ignore the man behind the curtain.
Description: This product is made from 100% pure kitten skin. Assembled in the United States from parts raised in Japan. Prerecorded for this time zone. If ink smears, add toner. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail, as seen on TV. Contents under pressure.
Directions: Metro Pulse is best when used by date shown. Open other end. Shake well before and during use. Safety goggles may be required during use, and parental discretion is advised. For external use only. Wash hands with soap and water after use.
Warnings: May cause drowsiness. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring have been added, and harmful if swallowed, anyway. If ingested, do not induce vomiting; consult a physician or the nearest Poison Control Center immediately. Avoid contact with eyes and skin, and avoid inhaling fumes. Avoid alcohol during use. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not puncture or incinerate. Do not insert into ear canal. Do not feed the monkeys.
Disclaimer: Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Use at your own risk. Terms subject to change without notice. Void where prohibited. Other restrictions may apply.
Other information: To place an order or if you have questions or comments, call 1-865-522-5399 now. Operators are standing by. Employees and their families are not eligible. All major credit cards accepted. Additional charges may apply.
This notice supersedes all previous notices.
March 20, 2002 * Vol. 12, No. 12
© 2002 Metro Pulse
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