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Thanks, but No Thanks

A prayer for continued complacency and consumerism

by Scott McNutt

Lord, thanks a lot for giving us the lowest gas prices in the industrialized world. But sometimes, even here, gas prices get a little outrageous—Thou knowest, over a dollar a gallon? Now, we ask Thee: Does that seem fair, when we have to drive all these SUVs? So we were wondering: Couldst Thou fix gas prices at 50 cents a gallon? We thought about asking for 25 cents, but that would be greedy.

Lord, we appreciate that Thou hast seen fit to have small children in poor countries slave away for pennies a day to make Nikes and so many other fine fashion wares. Truly, we sing Thy praises on high for providing us with such abundance so cheaply! Thou da Man, Lord! But Lord, Thy bounty presents us with a difficult dilemma. So we humbly beseech Thee for Thy guidance: Tell us, Lord, do these shoes go with that dress?

Lord, we thank Thee for the many excellent life-saving products Thou hast commanded the pharmaceutical industry to develop for us. We want to acknowledge that, in Thine infinite mercy, Thou wisely hast the drugs tested on innocent little white mice, so we can be sure they won't harm us. Thanks for looking out for us there, Lord. And we want to say that penicillin and anthrax drugs are really keen, and we're sure glad to have them. But, You knowest, a cure for baldness hasn't been perfected yet, and an awful lot of us are sorely afflicted with it. Dost Thou think Thou couldst maybe speed up that process a bit? Thanks, Lord. Thou's a pal.

Lord, as Thou knowest, we set aside Thanksgiving day to say "Thanks" to Thee. So, thanks. Thou goest, Lord! What Thou may not knowest, though, is that it's traditional to eat a turkey dinner in Thine honor on this day. We really appreciate the turkey dinners. We appreciate the heck out of them! So don't take this wrong, Lord, but, the truth is, we're mighty damn tired of turkey. Couldst Thou let us have roast pheasant next year? We'd even settle for a nice ham dinner. Just a little variety, Lord, that's all we're asking for.

Lord, we also want to thank Thee for all the pageantry Thou providest for our entertainment on Thanksgiving. After the big meal, there's nothing like knocking back some cold ones and watching the football games, is there, Lord? But Lord, some of us are mightily perplexed by these games. We see player after player from BOTH teams thanking Thee when they score a touchdown. So which team art Thou really for? Or, as Arbiter of Infinite Justice, canst Thou supporteth everybody equally? We're just curious, Lord. (And if Thou couldst giveth us the Lions by six, we'll split the take with Thee, OK Lord?)

Lord, we especially want to thank Thee for giving us this democratic republic as our political system. We think it's the best! But then, Thou already knewest that, didn't Thee, Thou sly dog! But here's the problem, Lord: Pardon our French, but voting can be a pain in the ass! And don't even get us started on keeping up with the issues! We tell Thee, Lord, it's a burden. But Thou shalt be proud of us, Lord, because we've got a solution: All Thou must do is transmit a daily summary of the issues directly to our brains. Then we'll be informed! Oh, and if Thou couldst enable us to vote telepathically, then things would be just swell!

Finally, Lord, we want to thank Thee for making the United States the biggest, baddest, bestest country on the block! We're just way cool. Thou hast no idea what a kick we get out of it! But, there are countries that don't like us. They can't seem to get through their turbaned heads that us being on top is just THE WAY THINGS ARE. So we were thinking, is there some way Thou couldst just, um...taketh them out? Not hurteth 'em or anything! Just maketh 'em disappear. After all, since we're Thy chosen country, we don't need those other countries anyway, right? It's just Thee and us, right, Lord? Oh, and couldst Thou pass the cranberry sauce, Lord? Thanks. Amen

November 22, 2001 * Vol. 11, No. 47
© 2001 Metro Pulse