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Fruits and Nuts and Fester

One of the hazards of my job is that I occasionally receive some sort of gibbering correspondence from you idiots out there—from the more enterprising ones, anyway—an email or a letter or a CD or some other goddamned thing, and then my editor finds out, because the cheeky little weasel always opens my mail before I can throw anything away, and then he demands that I issue some kind of response—in this magazine column no less. Always jabbering about journalistic integrity and the public good. Well, f—- him.

But in any case, that happened recently when I got a letter from this local four-piece band that calls itself the pecans. (And yes, idiot, I realize I spelled that with a lower-case "p." But that's how they wrote it, so take it up with them.)

The pecans are four mooks from Vestal, or some other wasteland, and they're quite taken with themselves. They sent Fes a long letter, lovingly scribbled in what I am sure is the finest black magic marker available today, and rife with all kinds of very, very "clever" collage-style magazine cut-outs. They also sent me a CD, The Pecans Read the Bible to a Thumpin' Beat!, which is quite possibly the weirdest piece of shit I've ever spilled beer on. I'll say one thing for these nuts: They may suck, but they suck in entirely new and unheard-of ways. (If you're really, really stupid, and gullible, and really curious, too, you can obtain a free copy of the disc by emailing them at [email protected] Or at least that's what they claim.)

So in order to reward both their enterprise and their dubious originality, I, Fester, in my untethered benevolence, agreed to interview them. That doesn't mean that I actually wanted to speak to them, though—God spare me from you people—so in the spirit of cooperation (or groveling obsequiousness, or desperation, depending on how you want to look at it), the pecans emailed the responses to the questions I hadn't yet asked. And then they invited me to make up the questions, after the fact, just like in Jeopardy, except not. And so I got my weekly shits and giggles, at the expense of these four South Knoxville goat-f———, and blew that mewling bolus of an editor out of my ass in the process. All in all, not a bad day's work.

FB: Who the hell are you people?

tp: Slick Surface, guitar and voice; Fire Marshall Mike, drums, keyboards and voice; Bitterkitty, voice and art terrorist (even though that term isn't cool anymore); Humanitarian, humanitarian aid.

FB: I've listened to your crappy CD, and I've gotta ask: What were you thinking?

SS: I don't know. we may be autistic or something.

FB: Do you pronounce your name "pe-cans" or "pe-cohns?"

SS: It is pronounced pe-cohns most of the time but my mom calls us the peck-ins. Our fans are called, um...peckers.

FB: I understand you're very fond of video games. Explain your joystick philosophy.

SS: Well basically I just beat on it. I don't really know what I'm doing, so I let it have it. It's fun! But I don't think that my brain is connected well with my hand. Sometimes it's like I can't even feel my hand at all. Anyway, it's fun for me. Quite pleasurable, actually. And the outcome is always satisfying! But it's not much fun to watch sometimes.

FMM: I can't stand it when he does it. It makes me physically ill.

BK: I think it's kind of sexy.

FB: Explain how you come up with your, uh...."songs".

FMM: I would be glad to! I call it "not thinking." It's a process that I have developed over 23 years. It involves clearing my mind of all intrusive thought process and having it stay that way as long as possible.

SS: He's teaching it to me.

Hu: I go to church.

FB: Do you like brussel sprouts?

SS: Yeah!

FB: Slick, I'm given to understand that you will only go out with pygmies. Why is that?

SS: It's because they are little and fast and get great mileage.

FB: You are all idiots and your band is terrible. I hope you live short, miserable lives and suffer prolonged and ugly deaths.

tp: Thank you!

Broken Ozzy

The Ozzy Osbourne Merry Mayhem tour, which also featured the formidable talents of Rob Zombie, Mudvayne, and Soil canceled their Knoxville show on Monday, Nov. 12 'cos the (alleged) bat-biting king had a bathroom accident. "The fracture occurred," reads the press release, "when Ozzy fell coming out of the shower before the Tucson show on 10/31. He was unaware that the leg was fractured and continued to perform each night until the pain became unbearable. It was only yesterday [Nov. 8] that Ozzy went to the doctor and discovered that his fall had resulted in a stress fracture injury to his leg."

As of now, the remaining dates on the tour have been postponed until further notice. More information on rescheduling will be made available as it becomes, um, available.


Thursday: Southern Culture on the Skids at Blue Cats. Bring your own 8-piece box.

Friday: Hamlet at Maryville College. Rumor has it that the Bard gets excellent treatment in this production. Also, the Louise Mosrie show orginally scheduled for the yet-to-open El Camino has been moved to Patrick Sullivan's, with jam-rockers Willis getting things started around 9:30.

Saturday: Junior Brown at Blue Cats. By now, you know and love this guit-box slinger and his deep voice. And Brown just keeps getting better.

Sunday: Esau's Market at Jacobs Building. A great antiques/junk extravaganza just in time for gift-giving season.

Monday: Holiday Show at Hanson Gallery. And speaking of the gift-giving season...

Tuesday: Resurrection Tuesday at The Electric Ballroom. DJs Special K, Satoshi, Jest, Mic 1 and Jix spin just for you.

Wednesday: Prepare for the eats.

Emma "Sweet Potato" Poptart with Fester Bangs and Adrienne Martini

November 15, 2001 * Vol. 11, No. 46
© 2001 Metro Pulse