Metro Pulse/Gamut/A TDOT Primer

Illustrations by Lisa Horstman

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Design your own TDOT project!

1. First of all, don't tell anybody more than they need to know. You're the one getting paid, not them. They don't have a right to tell you how to do your business!

2. Design everything with wide turns, for high-speed travel. Try this simple trick at home: lay out a city map on the floor of your rec room, and then make your highways using your plastic Hot Wheels (tm) tracks. Trace around the areas where you think it would be cool to see people drive very fast, with no stopping. Then pull up the Hot Wheels track and black them all out.

3. If there are people living in the places that are blacked out, tell them to go away. Also, if there are any historic houses in the way, take a picture of them and tear them down. They're probably musty, anyway!

4. Hire lots and lots of people to work on the project. For every worker, be sure to have at least four supervisors who watch the worker.

5. Take as long as you need!

How come we're stuck in traffic, Daddy?

Because the men from TDOT are working on the roads. There was too much traffic, so they're adding more lanes, so it will be much easier for us to drive.

But if the new lanes make it that much easier, won't more people want to drive on it?

Of course, Billy.

But if more people use it, won't the traffic be just as bad as ever?

Of course not, Billy.

Daddy, why doesn't anyone ever use the South Knoxville bridge?

Because the Henley Street bridge is so much easier and more convenient.

Then why are they talking about widening it?

Because it's so much easier and more convenient that sometimes traffic on it is terrible.

If it got any worse, people would have to use the South Knoxville bridge, wouldn't they, Daddy?

Yes they would, son. That's why it's so important to widen the Henley Street bridge.

Who are those people, Daddy?

They're selfish people standing in the way of progress.

But isn't that their home?

Yes it is, Billy. They should have known better than to build their homes in the way of progress.

Why did they?

I don't know, Billy. They're just not good sports. Some people even bury their ancestors on TDOT property. It hurts TDOT's feelings when people build houses or bury ancestors in places where TDOT wants to build another highway.

When Gramps was a boy, Billy, this was just a poor little two-lane road. Then, when I was little, it was a four-lane interstate. Now, look! It's eight lanes wide.

How long do we keep widening lanes?

By the time you're big enough to drive, why, I bet they'll be building 16 lanes. Each generation will add its own lanes, Billy. Someday it will be up to you.

And then 32 lanes?

Very good, Billy. You're learning your multiplication tables, and that's important for a TDOT engineer. But for now, we can only dream of that day.

Daddy, what was that explosion?

Why, they're blowing up the Forest Heights Bridge, son.

Was it old and dangerous?

No, son. TDOT is blowing it up because too many people were using it to cross the interstate and going places they probably shouldn't be going, anyway. TDOT thinks people should just pick what side of the interstate they want to live on, and stay there.

What if they want to go somewhere else?

Well, son, they'll just have to use the interstate. It's a wonderful interstate, but it's an east-to-west interstate there, and some people were trying to go north-to-south! What are they thinking? That's the wrong way! If they want to go north to south, they should be over on 275. I'm afraid they'll never learn, so we have to force them. And that will make sure there are enough cars on the interstate to fill up the lanes that TDOT has built for us.

Can I meet the people who make these decisions for us, Daddy?

No, son. They are in Nashville, and they're so busy doing good things for us they don't have time to talk to people in Knoxville. Why, we're almost 200 miles away!

But when they're making such big changes in the way we live in Knoxville, why are they in Nashville?

Because they live there, silly! Also, Nashville is the capital of our state, Billy, and they know best about what's good for us over here. Don't worry. They have maps of Knoxville.

What's that decoration on that old bridge?

That's a strange cultish design, Billy. Don't look at it.

But why, Daddy?

It will give you the wrong idea of what a bridge should be.

But I don't understand.

This isn't easy to say, Billy. There was a day, back during the Depression, when people had some pretty strange ideas, and one of them was that a bridge should be something to look at. But when people look at pretty bridges, they're not looking at the road, are they? They'll have accidents! Besides, bridges are too important to be pretty. So TDOT doesn't ever make pretty bridges anymore. And if they're wise, Billy, they never will. There are many things you won't understand until you're older.

Do you understand them, Daddy?

Where are we, Dad? I can't see anything over this concrete wall.

I'm not sure, Billy. I can't see anything but concrete, and I don't need to. We can be sure we're headed in the right direction as fast as possible, because we saw that sign back there. I just keep my eyes forward and have faith in TDOT.

This is sort of like being in a pinball machine.

Exactly! TDOT projects are like pinball machines that shoot us to all the right destinations. A driver should never have to wonder or look around any more than the pinball does. We just keep rolling through the chutes until we get there.