Metro Pulse/Snarls/Will You Be My Valentine?

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Get away from me, you creep!

by Scott McNutt

Ah, Valentine's Day, the day when lovers spend a romantic evening rubbing their couplehood in single people's noses. Perhaps no other holiday so encourages the "loves me" part of the population to taunt and torment the "loves me not" group. It's a good thing we start children early on this program of blatant contempt for single people's feelings; otherwise, it might still bother some of us when we become adults.

Despite its current status as a socially sanctioned occasion for nose-thumbing at singles, the reason this day bears St. Valentine's name has little to do with such behavior. According to Christian tradition, in the 3rd century A.D., Valentine offended the Roman Emperor. Probably, as the laurel-crowned dictator passed by in a parade, Valentine yelled something like, "Hey doofus! You know you got a bunch of leaves on your head? Don't you ever wash your hair?" So Valentine was in prison, awaiting execution, set for the 14th of February.

While in jail, he cured the jailer's daughter of blindness. Impressed with this miracle and never having seen a guy before, she fell in love with the saint-to-be. Tragically, they could not consummate the relationship, because Valentine was vowed to chastity. Also, his head was cut off the next day. But just before his death, Valentine slipped the jailer a note to pass to the girl, which read, "He's your father! Make him let me out! I'm not joking! Get me out! PLEASE!!!! Yours, Valentine. xxooxx." Thus began the tradition of lovers giving "Valentines." So, to truly celebrate the spirit of Valentine's Day, if you give your love a valentine, you should have your head cut off. Sure, it's drastic. But something must be done about this so-called holiday.

Valentine's Day is the worst, most crassly commercial pseudo-holiday we endure. At least with Christmas and Easter, the religious overtones are still acknowledged. But frankly, Valentine's Day would be more interesting if we celebrated its pagan origins: the Roman Feast of Lupercalia. This was a "festival of eroticism that honored Juno Februata, the goddess of 'feverish' (febris) love...[O]n the ides of February, love notes...would be drawn to partner men and women for feasting and sexual game playing" (from "Saint Valentine's Day: A Short History," at http://www.me2u.com/ LoveLore/Valentine/). This is especially significant when we realize that "Feverish Love, Feasting, and Sexual Game Playing" would be a great title for Bill Clinton's memoirs.

Anyway, since what we currently do on the 14th really doesn't have anything to do with St. Valentine, why not ditch that connection in favor of other occasions that more closely touch us? For instance, besides being home to Valentine's Day, February is also Potato Lover's Month. So if you dig root vegetables, flaunt your special stud spud with pride!

Feb. 14 also happens to be National Cream-Filled Chocolates Day and National Cardiovascular Technologists Recognition Day. It is also the day of Trifon Zarezan (Viticulturists' Day; Bulgarian Dionysus Festival), and the date "Borrowed Days" end in the Scottish Highlands.

This begs the question: From whom do those rowdy, hard-livin' Highlanders borrow days? The English sure as heck wouldn't lend 'em any. Be that as it may, we could celebrate Feb. 14 with a ceremony where a bunch of angry Scots, toked up on cream-filled chocolates, try to wrestle more days from the cardiovascular technologists, with the Bulgarian viticulturists refereeing. I think I'm safe in saying that it would be an occasion none would ever forget, try as they might.

And this is only scratching the surface. February also gives us, in all seriousness, International Twit Award Month, Canned Food Month, Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, Wisconsin Farm Woman of the Year Month, Dietary Managers' Pride in Food Service Week, National Kraut & Frankfurter Week, National Condom Week, Exorbitant Price Day, Get A Different Name Day, and Dump Your Significant Jerk Day, to name only a few potential substitutes for Valentine's Day. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and celebrate an occasion that suits you. Just keep your mitts off Feb. 16, the "Feast of Sticky Buns." Seriously.

And remember, March is (I'm still serious) Humorists Are Artists Month. Send me a congratulatory note. I'll send you a National Talk with Your Teen about Sex Month card in return. xxooxx.