Metro Pulse/Yikes!/Undeadheads II

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Revenge of the heavy metal zombies

by V. Lorne Hopp

For those who missed it, "Undeadheads Part I" is summarized below:

WUBBAWUBBAWUBBA!!IYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! For those who don't speak Heavy Metal, following is an English-language translation of the summary (in consideration of heavy metal enthusiasts, all difficult words, such as verbs, have been removed):

My gen-gen-generation's music: Good. Current generation's music: Bad. Fingers in my ears for 10 years. My favorite watering hole: Cool bar, sixties music on jukebox: Good. Sudden invasion of hordes of eardrumless undead headbangers. Jukebox now exclusively heavy metal: Bad. My father's commentary on my generation's music: "Bad, bad, bad, bad!" My commentary on current generation's music: "Bad, bad, bad, bad!" Sudden realization: Me = my father. AAAAAAUUUUUUGH!

Now let's join the column, already in progress.

...Some heavy metal aficionados may say, "Hey! That's unfair. I bet you just didn't give heavy metal a chance! This really is just about you being too old to get it." Au contraire. (Which is French for "Don't sass me, you whippersnapper!") I gave heavy metal EVERY chance. I had no choice. The undeadheads removed all other music from the jukebox and played theirs at eardrum-popping levels (this is why I theorize that undeadheads have no eardrums). You couldn't have a conversation. You couldn't hear the TV. You couldn't drink your beer, 'cause the sound waves shattered all the glass in the place. All you could do was listen to the music, until your brain melted out your ears, about 10 minutes later.

I have taken a keen interest in heavy metal since my bar lost its soul to it. Did you know that undeadheads claim that there are at least 21 separate species of heavy metal? Seriously. They are: classic metal, Goth metal, British metal, pop metal, power metal, glam metal, speed metal, progressive metal, thrash metal, alternative metal, black metal, death metal, doom metal, doomdeath metal, hardcore metal, grindcore metal, metalcore metal, industrial metal, post-punk metal, funk metal, and (shudder, shudder) rap metal. I'm sure they'll soon add easy-listening metal, elevator metal, and metallite.

At this point non-heavy-metal enthusiasts may be asking, "How can eardrum-challenged cadavers categorize something they can't even hear?" I've wondered the same thing: Do they put their hands on the speakers to sense the vibrations and then whack their heads together in Morse code to communicate, "Oh yes, I can tell by the variation in the beat during the third measure that this is not 'death' metal, but rather, 'I-spit-upon-your-grave' metal"?

And why stop with just 21 categories? Add any word to "metal," and—presto!—you have another, equally irrelevant, metal category. With a little imagination (very little!) you can devise your own. Here are some examples to get you started: spam metal, futon metal, arms akimbo metal, Limbaugh metal, and vomit metal.

On the other hand, why have any categories for what is, essentially, white noise with a beat? After all, when I was a tyke, we only needed two categories for music: "Good" and "Bad." "Good" meant "rock and roll" and "Bad" meant "everything else," especially anything our parents listened to. But that was it, "Good" and "Bad," the only categories we needed.

What's that you say? "Wait a minute. Didn't you have some other categories?" Well, if you want to get technical about it, sure, there were some special cases. For instance, we separated "pop" from "rock." All rock was "Good," while some pop was very, very "Bad." (Think Booby—I mean, "Bobby" Goldsboro, and you'll catch my drift.)

Admittedly, we also put "the blues" in a category of its own. And of course there were "gospel" and "classical" songs. And, yes, I will concede "country and western" is a valid music category (but the so-called "new country" is NOT; "new country" is bloated, stultifying sentiment and overwrought twang; one day soon it will suffer an achy-breaky heart infarction). All right, I also admit, we changed "the blues" to "rhythm and blues." Then we changed that to "soul." And then there was...

Okay, okay, you've made your point. Maybe my generation was pretty superficial, too. And maybe metal isn't representative of all new music. Since I have mostly had my fingers stuck in my ears for the last decade, the heavy metal assault on my old watering hole is my only exposure to "new" music. So maybe the next generation's taste isn't so bad, maybe no worse than mine. And maybe undeadheads have more in common with the deadheads of my generation than I recognize. Then again, the deadheads mostly seemed to believe in peace, love, and understanding. "Truckin'," a catch-word for getting out into the world, meeting people, and sharing experiences (and dope!) was their slogan. The undeadheads seem to stand for aggression, hate, and prejudice. "Fuck you," a catch-phrase you can probably figure out yourself, appears to be their slogan. But perhaps, in my advanced years, I'm just reaping a harvest of cynicism along with my crop of ear and nose hair.

Whatever the case, it is time I acknowledged that the future has arrived at my old bar. Thus, I leave the old saloon to a new generation and gracefully, gratefully, fade away. And now that we are both the "previous generation," perhaps my dad and I will at last find some common musical interest, something we can both enjoy. Like making fun of the current generation's music. Now that's entertainment!