Let lawsuits expose all responsible parties
by Scott McNutt
Two weeks ago, the now-notorious $125,000 "hot" pickle suit was filed against a local McDonald's on behalf of a plaintiff, her chin, and her husband (who's consequently been deprived of her "services" and "consortium"). Since then, accusations about the frivolous nature of the claims have abounded. For the record, I completely support the victims here. Those responsible for their suffering should be found and sued!
For those who disagree, a little history lesson is in order: Our current system of civil law is based on English Common Law, which replaced the Uncommonly Uncivil Law that had endured since medieval times. Back then, if you were visiting a fellow serf's hovel and burned your chin or other body parts on a "hot" pickle he gave you, instead of suing him, you'd be required to sneak back at night and trample his cucumber plants.
In those times, multitudes of innocent cucumbers lost their lives because of the reckless actions of some "hot" pickle. Similarly, whole fruit groves were sometimes chopped to tinder because of one or two bad apples. In fact, it's safe to say that all the major food groups suffered appalling injustices under the old system.
So, we are truly fortunate to live in an age when a single pickle can no longer provoke the slaughter of entire vegetable populations; instead, civilized things like lawyers are hired to decide whose cucumbers will be trampled. Thus, we can now lay blame where it's truly deserved. And obviously, a woman trying to simultaneously drive her car and eat a hamburger is no more to blame when she drops a "hot" pickle on her face than she would be if, while driving and chatting with her husband on her cell phone, she inadvertently parked on the neighbor's poodle. In this situation, the cell phone manufacturer, the service provider, the husband, and the poodle should all be blamed. And sued.
In the pickle case, however, I don't think the lawyers did nearly enough to track down all the potentially liable parties. For instance, what about the culpability of McDonald's pickle manufacturer? Isn't it possible that something in the pickle juice caused the pickle to heat to an unnaturally high temperature? What about the car manufacturer? Aren't they guilty of making a car that's too difficult to drive while eating? Shouldn't they pay up, too?
And that's just the beginning. It's possible this dangerous piece of relish was produced by a farmer who consciously hybridized jalapenos and cucumbers to produce superheated pickles. Equally plausible, the water company may have allowed chemical waste into the water supply, creating combustible cucumbers. Or perhaps the soil was contaminated with nuclear waste, mutating the resultant pickles into atomic gut bombs.
Of course, if this is just the first in an epidemic of surprise hot-pickle attacks, I don't have to tell you who the real villain is. When a consistent pattern of pickle terrorism occurs, some sinister force must be behind it. The logical suspect would be KGB "plants" left over from the Cold War. That's right, if a rash of incendiary vegetable "accidents" suddenly sweeps the nation, we should sue the now-defunct USSR.
Another possibility: God's all-powerful; isn't He ultimately liable? True, it's a fiery pickle, so it may be a servant of Satan. But whether the pickle is devilish or divine, shouldn't churches be held accountable for not having said prayers for all pickle-eaters to safely consume their salty treats?
And still to be considered is this incident's central figure, whose actions precipitated the whole chain of events: the pickle itself. Perhaps it was a rogue pickle, one that enjoyed inflicting misery on unsuspecting gourmands. If this is the case, and we fail to prosecute this briny brigand, we may unwittingly give license to hooligan "hot" pickles to go on rampages in restaurants and drive-thrus around the globe.
That sums up the potential defendants. I hope the plaintiffs in this landmark case will carefully review them. I'm confident that investigating these targets will expose the true culprits, and place responsibility for this tragic episode where it should go: on whoever has the most money. And remember, if these suggestions help bring the lawsuit to a successful conclusion, I deserve a piece. Of the settlement, not the pickle.
October 19, 2000 * Vol. 10, No. 42
© 2000 Metro Pulse
| 
