Metro Pulse/Snarls/Fun Control

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A plea for well-regulated whoopie

by Scott McNutt

There oughtta be a law. Oh, wait. There is one. But with something that can devastate so many lives, is the law sufficient? Yes, we make people get licenses, but with a pursuit as dangerous as this, are licenses enough? After all, marriage is a risky business.

But marriage licensing is out of control. Why, virtually anyone can have a marriage, even kids barely old enough to have drivers' licenses. Most of my friends have had one at one time or another. Some still display their marriages right out in the open, exposed for anyone, even children, to see (and possibly to pick up and handle—I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is). And most people I know who have a marriage carry it with them wherever they go. Let me tell you something: If a buddy of yours comes into your favorite watering hole, openly wearing the burden of his marriage (that is, if he has A) his heart on his sleeve, B) that look on his face, or C) a bulge in his pants), get out of there quick! Because marriage vows and alcohol don't mix.

What can we do to make marriages safer? First, we need to lobby the manufacturer to put safety locks on them. I can't believe we're in the 21st century, and we still have marriages that just anybody can use. The solution is for Justices of the Peace to install His 'n' Hers chastity belts on couples when they get licensed. (For PR purposes, they'd be called "seat belts.") Each partner would have the only key to the other's belt.

Anti-tampering devices might be a good idea, too. Wouldn't it comfort you to know that on those occasions when your spouse is out alone, and a person who is not you tries to hit on him/her/whatever, the "seat belt" would immediately wail, "STEP AWAY FROM THE SPOUSE! THIS IS A MARRIED PERSON! STEP AWAY-"?

Another need, long neglected, is the marriage militia, which is in keeping with the 3rd and 3/8ths Amendment, or the 11th Commandment, or something. Anyway, it says, "A marital militia being essential to well-regulated whoopie, the righteous who bear and burp infants shall not be unhinged. But never on Sunday." Scholars have long debated the exact interpretation of this wording. (Ben Franklin's much plainer "Parents, stay home with the kids. That will leave the single women for me, whoo, whoo!" was rejected.) So it's pretty muddled. But God and our Founding Fathers (and, oh, what significance that title now takes on) maybe possibly intended for married couples to have children in order to learn discipline. Or not.

Anyway, we need to re-institute the militia. In the militia, parents will be trained to leave their kids with other parental units when they go out to restaurants, be drilled on quickly removing screaming babies from theaters, and be taught strategies to avoid airline travel with children under 36 years of age, plus similar tactics that promote the well-being of those of us who don't have kids.

I also favor drug testing. The real test will be whether you can hold the beaker for your beloved while s/he provides the sample. This would also add new meaning to the phrase "holding your own."

The most important marriage licensing innovation, though, is the background check. You should be impelled to introduce your betrothed to all your previous spouses/ significant others/ lovers/ paramours/ liaisons/ "friends"/ "scores"/ conquests/ notches on the lipstick case/ blackout-drunk-one-night-stands/ flings/ fancies/ blind dates/ prom dates/ objects of wet dreams/ and that little blonde girl you kissed in second grade who cried and told the teacher...essentially, anyone for whom you have demonstrated the slightest sexual or romantic interest. So your prospective mate can see just how she/he measures up. The penalty for noncompliance would be having to get back together with your least favorite "ex," no possibility of parole. Of course, this might be defined as "cruel and unusual punishment." For your ex, that is.

If enacted, the above measures would transform marriage as we know it. By making it impossible to get one. Which would be great, because that would mean more single women for me, whoo, whoo! Now, if I could just get this !*@&*+$%!! "seat belt" off...